The vision is:

You have enjoyed yourself in religion long enough.

2010-05-04T11:53:00.002-04:00

Does the surging sea look dark and dangerous? Unquestionably it is so. . . . He who calls to you from the sea, however, knows what it will mean; and knowing, He still beckons you, and bids you come. You must do it. You cannot hold back. You have enjoyed yourself in religion long enough. You have had pleasant feelings, pleasant songs, pleasant meetings, pleasant prospects. There has been much of human happiness, much clapping of hands, and firing of volleys—very much of Heaven on earth. Now, then, go to God, and tell Him you are prepared as far as necessary to turn your back upon it all, and that you are willing to spend the rest of your days grappling with these perishing multitudes, cost you what it may.

(General William Booth)

take that, Death.

2010-04-08T00:41:00.004-04:00

Could so much of Heaven step through such wreck and chaos of earth, and not declare its reality?
Could spotless Purity pass so near Uncleanness, and fail to put it to shame?
Could Love so strong meet Spite so cruel, and not reprove it?
Could Light from on high touch Darkness so deep, and not reveal it?
Would it be possible for Truth to stand face to face with Lie, and not condemn it?
Their persecutors cried: "The Christians to the lions!"-- and lived to prove Death cannot destroy Christianity.

General Evangeline Booth

Post Resurrection Sunday (also known as Easter)

The whole concept of God dying is still so shocking to me... I'm barely recovered from Advent season and thinking about the incarnation!
That God became man, I cannot understand. I will never fully grasp the depth to which Jesus was plunging when He put on a body. It wasn't a little task, it was more dramatic than crossing dimensions.
The One who created life itself actually experienced losing His own... this is an even greater dive, and my mind is barely able to contain the thought.

Of COURSE He rose from the dead! As if all the powers of hell could keep God down?

Regarding the Evangeline quote:

Jesus, the embodiment of Love, Life, Purity, Truth, etc, entered earth, and even the grave.
Jesus may have left with scars on His hands and feet,
but you should see the other guy.
Death has been murdered by one encounter with the Light of the world.
And nothing will ever be the same again.

you can have your cake and eat it, too.

2010-03-13T07:01:00.002-05:00

Mmmm yea, I haven't blogged much this week. Oops.

...

And in closing:

It's possible to be righteous, zealous, holy, and crazy-in-love-with-Jesus,
while also being relevant and non-judgmental.

Righteousness and relevancy-- you can have 'em both!

Relevancy does not need to equal compromise,
and righteousness does not need to equal snobbery.

Don't confuse holiness with religion.

I have decided

2010-03-09T21:26:00.005-05:00

Learn a lesson from Lot's wife:

Never look back and long for something that God saved you from.

Learn a lesson from Jesus:

"No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." Lk 9:62

Yesterday I spoke about remembering your life before Christ.
That is important.

But that old life is only to be remembered in gratitude that we are no longer there!
It is not to be remembered wistfully, wishing that we could go back.

Are there some things that you need to forget?

Move forward.
Let it go.
and never look back.

a tan in heaven

2010-03-08T22:41:00.003-05:00

Today was a hint of spring.

I walked around Mt. Lebanon without a jacket, watching the snow melt and feeling as if I was finally warm and dry for the first time since November. Even my lungs needed a few tumbles in the dryer. The walk was therapeutic.

Back in the core of winter, I had forgotten the feeling of the sun's heat and the smell of grass. When you are warm it is so difficult to remember what it felt like to be cold. When you are cold it is almost impossible to imagine being hot. While experiencing hunger, the sensation of satisfaction seems like a dream. I am certain that in the midst of summertime bliss, memories of "the bleak midwinter" will fade away.

Don't forget where you came from:

"Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ... but now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ."
Ephesians 2:12-13

Remember that it won't always be this hard:

"No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."
Revelation 22:3-5

LESSON FROM EARLY SPRING--
Remember the winter, but look forward to the summer.

Remember your life without Christ, but look forward seeing Him face to face.

all things are possible

2010-03-05T08:52:00.004-05:00

faith faith faith faith faith faith faith faith faith

that is what I have been learning about.

faith that Jesus' death and resurrection was enough to save me. That is one lesson that took me a few years to honestly receive. But when I realized that faith is a risk, and that it defies even logic, I took the leap. And now I'll never go back. :-)

faith that God forgives me. This is connected to the above point, but it is another aspect of "salvation." I have been learning to come before GOD with confidence, and not shame. We ought to fear God, as He is perfectly holy and powerful beyond our imaginations. However, He really does forgive, if we ask. No more need to be timid.

faith that the Holy Spirit has transformed me. Wow. I thought that I "got" this lesson 4 years ago, but it's strength is hitting harder than ever. Not only have I been saved from hell, and forgiven by God-- I am also a NEW PERSON. I am not the same Olivia who did all those things that I now hate. He has purified me, and re-created me.

faith for the transformation of the world. I am being convicted by my lack of faith for others. I pray for my friends to be healed, to be free, to be made whole-- but sometimes I doubt that it is really possible. They seem to far gone. This is not only for individual friends, but also for institutions and churches and cities. God can do anything. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in me, and I now have faith that He can change ANYONE. An addict, an abuse-victim, a hypocrite-- anyone.

faith for the future. I have no need to worry about my life. If I die young, if I get married, if I move overseas, if I have quintuplets, if I get a disease, if I become wealthy, if nothing exciting happens at all-- I know that God holds my future. Everything is within His hands, and I have faith that He's got it covered.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20

2010-03-04T23:26:00.003-05:00










When you feel weakest, dangers surround,
Subtle temptations, troubles abound,
Nothing seems hopeful, nothing seems glad.
All is despairing ; oftentimes sad.

Keep on believing, Jesus is near. 
Keep on believing, there's nothing to fear ; 
Keep on believing, this is the way : 
Faith in the night as well as the day. 

If all were easy, if all were bright. 
Where would the cross be ? where would the fight ? 
But in the hardness God gives to you
Chances of proving that you are true.

God is your wisdom, God is your might ;
God's ever near you, guiding the right ;
He understands you, knows all you need ;
Trusting in Him you'll surely succeed.

Let us press on, then ; never despair !
Live above feeling, victory's there ; 
Jesus can keep us so near to Him,
That nevermore our faith shall grow dim.

scrubba dub dub

2010-03-04T00:03:00.002-05:00

"Follow your heart"

"No. The heart is deceptive above all things (Jeremiah 17:9)."

"Aaah! Your heart is not deceptive! Your old heart was when it was filled with sin, but now you are being sanctified, and your new heart is pure! God has given you a clean heart, and it is in line with His will, and it is no longer evil!"

silence.

2010-03-02T22:44:00.002-05:00

Have you given your heart away,
and had it returned to you broken?
Ever trusted someone,
and been let down?

Would you trust Someone whose name is LOVE?

It's worth the risk,
He won't let you down.

Give your heart to Jesus now.

varying teas vs. His presence

2010-03-01T21:51:00.005-05:00

Last month,
in one day,
I heard two different people describe their versions of Heaven.
They were both hilarious!

One said that Heaven for them would be gospel choir and toaster strudels.
The other, several hours later, said that their Heaven would be a 75 degree snow fall.

Today,
I described my kitchen "tea drawer" as paradise.
(side note: every kind of tea imaginable, decaf and regular, including real British tea ... pretty close to Paradise-- right?)

Listen to this song by Shai Linne,
based on Psalm 73.
The preacher at the beginning and end is John Piper.

Here's the link: My Portion

What if Heaven is perfect:

your favorite food,
your closest friends,
all the luxuries and wealth imaginable,
no sickness, no injuries, no emotional pain,
loads of fun...

but what if God wasn't there?

Would you be satisfied?

"Everyone wants to go to Heaven,
but not everyone wants to spend eternity with God.
Heaven will be filled with people who love God."
(Paul Washer)

Forward

2010-02-26T14:52:00.003-05:00

Today is a thinking day.

It's one of those days when brand new concepts just keep
-BAM!-
hitting me in the face.
Things I had never thought before.
It's cool... I guess... but it also makes me want to lay on the floor and look up in despair... praying, "GOD? Really? Can't You just explain it all to me?"

Here's a mini-glimpse into my roller-coaster mind:

Christians today are concerned for the state of the Church. Understandably so. We think that the Church has strayed so far from what it once was.
Christians are always talking about how, "The Church needs to wake up! We need a revival! Why can't we be more like the early Church? Where has our passion gone?"

It seems like we (almost) all agree on this.
So what's the holdup?
Is there some "secret trick" that we're all missing out on?
We sit in judgment of "the Church"-- and I wonder-- who are we blaming?

Also,
are we limiting ourselves by setting our goal at being just like the early Church?
Paul and those guys rocked, but I'm sure that God has something else planned for us now. Something even more amazing.
So I think I might stop looking at the early Church as the prototype for how we should be. I might start looking to the Holy Spirit, and see where He leads us NOW.

Hm.

today

2010-02-24T21:22:00.002-05:00

I once asked a friend:

"If you knew that Jesus was going to return at midnight tonight,
how would you spend your day?"

he responded:

"I would go to work, and when i got home, I'd finish my college applications."

I was furious. I immediately disagreed:

"What a waste! That's a stupid way to spend the last day of the world! What I would do is go downtown, and preach like a crazy person on the street corner. I'd try to get as many people saved as i possibly could, no matter how wild i appeared. I'd call up all of my family and friends who aren't saved and tell them! That's the right answer... seriously, man... why would you waste your time going to work and applying for college?"

He said:

"Why do I go to work every day? And why am I working on my college applications? It's because I know that this is what God wants me to do. Olivia, if you would feel convicted to spend your last hours on earth preaching on the street corner, then maybe you should do that every day. Why treat today differently than your last day?"

I left troubled.

More thoughts on finding God's will--

One option is to live every day as if it were our last.
For me, that would mean lots of evangelism.
It would also mean that any temptation to sin would be immediately dismissed.

Should we live as though judgment was around the corner?
Or should we relax, and not be nutcases?

"God's will" in just 27 easy steps

2010-02-22T23:50:00.003-05:00

who's gonna help me out with this one?
some people write blogs because they feel like they have a message that they need to tell the world. sometimes i feel like that. and sometimes i write to learn what you think. and sometimes i write to figure out what i think.

i've found that discerning God's will is one of the top issues for us 20-somethings.
none of us know what we're "supposed to do" with our lives,
so we fumble around for answers, while we waste our youthful hours.

1 Thessalonians 4:3 says: "This is God's will: your sanctification."

very few people in history have received a personal and specific direction from the Holy Spirit as to what career or vocation He wants them to pursue.
but every person in history has received the command of God to be holy.

Philippians 3:16 says, "Let us live up to what we have already attained."

don't try to build an Ikea bookshelf starting at step 6, and then move back to step 3.
start at step 1, if you are looking to finish well.

So you know that God wants you to stop getting drunk?
live up to that.
So you know that you're in an unhealthy relationship?
live up to that.
So you know that God wants you to stop speaking harshly?
live up to that.
So you know that God wants you to stop thinking of yourself as better than everyone else?

So you want to know God's will for your life?
your sanctification.

the details will come.

it's time

2010-02-20T23:32:00.001-05:00

sometimes you just need to be quiet
and let the Lord talk.

ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh.

listen.

Psalm 18:28-36

2010-02-19T23:20:00.001-05:00

For it is You who light my lamp,
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

For by You I can run against a troop
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God, His way is perfect,
the Word of the Lord proves true.

He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.

Who is God but the Lord?
and who is a Rock, except our God?
The God who equips me with strength,
and makes my way blameless.
He made my feel like a deer's,
and sets me secure on the heights.

He trains my hands for war
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You've given me the shield of Your salvation.

Your right hand supported me,
Your gentleness has made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me
and my feet did not slip.

let Him love you

2010-02-18T23:07:00.006-05:00

I'm a bit of a "praise and worship"-nazi.
It comes from thinking too much, but it can easily go from there into just being grumpy!

So often our theology is formed out of what we sing, so I try to be careful what words I sing along with before I open my mouth.

One particular strain of worship which used to bug me was singing songs about ourselves and how great it is to be loved and saved and freed.

It seemed funny to sing:
"I am so loved by God!"
rather than:
"I love You so much!"

But here is what I think that I am learning:

God's love for us is absolutely glorious,
and singing about His love for us actually exalts Him!

If we were just singing about the fact that God is "nice" then it really would be selfish. Or if we were just singing about how awesome our lives are it might not be worship.
But that's not the point. The point is: God's love for us is extravagant and immense and divine and powerful. When we shout and sing "OH HOW HE LOVES US!" we're not glorifying our own "lovability" but we are glorifying His amazing sacrifice of love!

So stand up on your chair and praise God with me!

He loves us!!!

urbandictionary has no clue

2010-02-17T22:25:00.002-05:00

My name was invented by Shakespeare, apparently. Shakespeare's Olivia, in The Twelfth Night, is a bit of a weirdo. However, I still consider it an honor to be named by one of the greats.

It comes from the word OLIVE.
I've previously taken this to mean "olive branch"-- a symbol of peace.

But here are some new thoughts about this name:

What happens to an olive when it is crushed? Oil.
Hallelujah, I'm telling you, God is crushing me.
Being crushed is a good thing.

As I was recently reminded in a prayer meeting:
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit."
(Psalm 34:18)

So what if you're not crushed?
Align yourself with those who are.
Share in their brokenness,
become broken,
and the Lord will be near you.

"Come, let us return to the LORD.
For He has torn us,
but He will heal us;
He has wounded us,
but He will bandage us.

So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD.
His going forth is as certain as the dawn,
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."

(Hosea 6)

chick preachers

2010-01-25T13:59:00.005-05:00

I'm about to blog on the topic of women in ministry, and I'm terrified!
Please be gracious to me in your comments :o)

I haven't figured it out yet. To be honest, I still haven't found satisfactory interpretations for all of those tricky verses. But I believe that God has called me to preach, and I have to sort out how that can be possible.

I know that my experience of God's call should never contradict the Scriptures, so it's taking some effort to feel comfortable with both the Bible, and my own experience. I've read a lot (both sides of the argument!) and prayed a lot and discussed A LOT, and here are a few of my thoughts at this moment. What follows is "wet cement"-- not settled and permanent, just where I am at in this process.

In 1 Corinthians Paul says that women should wear head coverings when they pray or prophecy... the head coverings were a cultural symbol of marriage, so we don't need to worry about that! The key thing from those verses is this: women can pray and prophecy in church meetings! Catherine Booth and Phoebe Palmer (who greatly influenced the Booths) think that prophecy and preaching are essentially the same thing...but that's still up for debate!

Priscilla and Aquila (married couple) pull Apollos aside to teach him the way of God...so this supports women teaching on a personal relational level (even teaching a man). The only issue is the fact that Priscilla's husband was there. Would it have been appropriate for Priscilla to teach Apollos one-on-one? Perhaps not.

The troubling verses in 1 Timothy aren't so troubling when you learn these few things: 1) Timothy was in Ephesus which was a town that worshiped women-- the women in that church needed to be more humble and submissive! 2) Paul isn't saying that they should be "silent" because the Greek word for silent is also used in 1 Corinthians to tell prophets to wait their turn. It doesn't mean completely silent, it just means quieter. 3) The whole chapter is about qualifications for elders, it is not about telling women to get in their place. So, maybe women shouldn't be elders, but I'm still trying to sort out what that means for us now!

And one of the most compelling arguments is simply this: the overwhelming trend in Jesus' culture was chauvinism. When Jesus welcomed women to follow Him, to learn from Him, and when He showed them respect...He was making a bold statement about the value of all people, both genders. So even if women shouldn't be elders or apostles (not even sure if that's true, just saying!) they are CERTAINLY equals.

I'm mostly viewing it from a Trinitarian perspective. Which means: the Father, the Son, and the Spirit are all EQUAL in power, authority, and value, but they perform different roles. The Father is sovereign, the Son obeyed the Father, and the Spirit is mysterious and rarely acknowledged...yet they are all God. In the same way, women and men are completely equal, but still completely different! And that's okay! My concern with modern-day feminism is that it tries to take away gender differences in order to find equality. I believe that we can be equal, while still maintaining our feminine identity.

Okay, now I really do want to hear your thoughts,
just be nice to each other, kiddos!
;-)

2010-01-14T13:25:00.001-05:00

Here's a lengthy quote from Donald Miller's blog, that made me think:

"I’ve also found that the more I trust in Christ’s redemption to be sufficient, the less overtly religious I am. And, quite honestly, the more suspect overtly religious people become to me. When I’m with somebody who talks zealously about faith, about Jesus, about the Bible, after a while, I find myself wondering whether or not their faith is strong at all.

For instance, if I were with somebody who kept talking about how much they loved their wife, going on loudly and profusely, intuitively I would wonder whether or not they were struggling in their marriage. I would wonder whether they were trying to convince me they loved their wife, or if they were trying to convince themselves. (Now that I think of it, though, some of my favorite people talk about how much they love their wives, but these are less public proclamations and more sighs of appreciation.)

Faith in Christ, for me, is similar. It’s intimate. I’m more comfortable giving quiet prayers, intimate prayers. Often alone, in fact. I speak of faith the way I speak of personal matters. Of course there is a time for proclamations, but that’s the key, isn’t it? There’s a time."

(Donald Miller)

Part of me wanted to immediately jump to the defensive.
But, the other part of me decided to check my motives again,
and maybe you would like to as well:

1)Really, why do you proclaim your faith?

does it flow out of joy and thankfulness in your heart?
do you want people to admire you?
are you trying to convince yourself of what you are saying?

2) Should our relationship with God look like a marriage? (private, intimate, but with obvious allegiance and devotion?)

3) Why do you serve?

"Paying it forward" what Christ has done for you?
because you believe there is good in everyone?
you look to gain some happiness from giving (Oprah theology)?
so that others will praise you?

4) When you see believers zealous for Christ, do you judge their motives, or are you joyful to see that they are so full?

Here are some appropriate Sara Groves lyrics:

Why do I pray-do I pray to say I prayed an hour?
Why do I love-do I want you beholden to me?
Why do I help-do I want to hear my name called out? Why do I sing?

Search me and know my heart, oh God.
See if there is any wrong thing in me.
All I have ever really wanted are clean hands and a pure heart.

Why do I give-do I give so I can get a blessing?
Why do I praise-do I praise to do the right thing?
Why do I serve-do I serve so others will serve me? Why do I sing?

Search me and know my heart, oh God.
See if there is any wrong thing in me.
All I have ever really wanted are clean hands and a pure heart

What do YOU think?

2010-01-14T08:55:00.001-05:00

Sessional Names

The use of sessional names for cadet intakes began with the name ‘Victory' in 1918 and has continued ever since. These names create special links between the many training colleges around the Army world, encourage comradeship among cadets and officers and provide a focus for preaching, teaching and reflection throughout and even beyond the life of a session.
In selecting names for the next five sessions I have tried to keep these things in mind. It has also been my desire to introduce new concepts into the names, but always in keeping with our God-given mission and identity.

The names for future cadet sessions, following Witnesses for Christ (2007-2009), will therefore be:
2008-2010 Prayer Warriors2009-2011 Ambassadors of Holiness2010-2012 Friends of Christ2011-2013 Proclaimers of the Resurrection2012-2014 Disciples of the Cross.

Prayer Warriors: here is a name in keeping with the great need of our time. Prayer is the Army's spiritual engine and the need for those who will be constant and persistent in prayer is as urgent as ever it was. Prayer is a vital weapon in the salvation war, a war we pursue without guns and led by the Prince of Peace. The word ‘prayer' has not previously featured in any sessional name, although we recall with gratitude the Intercessors of 1951-1952 and the Faithful Intercessors of 1997-1999. We thank God also for the Warriors of 1946-1947.

Ambassadors of Holiness: this name brings into focus the holiness teaching which is such a key part of the Army's mission and identity. It reminds us of the need for every officer to understand, to teach and to exemplify the truths expressed in our 10th doctrine. While ‘ambassadors' has been part of three earlier sessional names, this is the first time a sessional name has included the word ‘holiness'.

Friends of Christ: this name signals the close intimacy that all entering into full-time ministry seek to enjoy, encouraging others to become also the friends of Christ in accordance with John 15:14 and in obedience to the divine commands. No previous sessional name has used ‘friends', but seven have included the name of Christ.

Proclaimers of the Resurrection: here is a sessional name which explicitly identifies those using it with the very first Christians. Paul tells us that without the Resurrection there is no hope of salvation (1 Corinthians 15:12-19). Preaching the risen Christ is thus our central mission. No previous sessional name has referred to ‘resurrection', though three have used ‘proclaimers'.

Disciples of the Cross: surprisingly, only twice before has the Cross been referred to in a sessional name - Soldiers of the Cross in 1973-1975, and Crossbearers in 2000-2002. Equally, ‘disciples' has appeared in only one previous name, Disciples of Jesus in 1976-1978. Disciples of the Cross will be a name reminding us to be a Christ-centred, Cross-conscious Army of God, placing Calvary and its meaning at the heart of all we do. Also, a disciple is teachable and humble, attributes without which we can never be all we are intended to be in Christ.

I am aware that the sessional names above have already been announced in some territorial periodicals, and that is helpful. It is appropriate, however, that, of all our publications, The Officer should also carry these details. Officership remains a sacred privilege. We thank God for all forms of full-time ministry in the Army, but officership is still at the heart of Army full-time service. Only officers are covenanted in the terms signed prior to being commissioned. We are a distinctively covenanted community of servants. I still find myself deeply moved whenever I encounter officer colleagues pressing on faithfully and unspectacularly, without gimmicks, offering that classical, self-sacrificing Army service based on availability and mobility arising out of a strong love for God, obedience to the divine voice, a passion for souls and a heart for the needy. Such are those who will read these words. I thank God for all of you.

I first made these new sessional names known at Sunbury Court, near London, during a retreat for commissioners stationed at International Headquarters, who were joined for the day by retired commissioners and retired Generals resident in the United Kingdom. As each sessional name was announced we paused and spontaneous prayer was offered for the unseen, unnamed persons whom God will call into future sessions in training colleges all around the world. These were poignant and memorable moments.

May God continue to call many into the paths of officership, filling places now empty in our colleges, and may these sessional names be blessed and used of God to inspire reflection, preaching and teaching pleasing to him in the years to come!

--The General

wade in the water

2010-01-13T20:29:00.003-05:00

Why did Jesus get baptized?

Anyone?

He never sinned, so what was the point?

The best ideas that I can come up with are these:

-To align Himself with John the Baptizer's ministry, like a stamp of approval
-To identify Himself with the people, and show them what they ought to do
-As a prophetic act, symbolizing the cross (death and resurrection)

Any others?

Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do!

2010-01-04T15:53:00.000-05:00

I am a recovering over-thinker.

If you are like me (or Adam and Eve) then you hunger for knowledge. Over-thinkers like us want to figure it all out. We might admit that we can't know everything...but we're not going to stop until we've absorbed as much as our minds can handle.

To learn is a good thing.
To covet all knowledge is not.

I suppose it's really an issue of motivation-- why do you want to know so much?
Do you want to know God more because you are captivated by Him?
Or for some other reason?

My thoughts, my research, my concerns, my doubts
can burden me like nothing else.

Sometimes my thoughts are so heavy that I am even demotivated to pray or to sing, because I'm too busy dissecting words and lyrics.

People sometimes tell me that I should write or preach, and all I can think is,
"I'm just...so...tired. I don't want to process it all anymore. There is too much to say and to write, I'll burn out. Just let me keep reading."

Well, time to get over it, Miss Livi!

Time to rise up in holy energy and find joy in the journey.

We should never turn off our brains,
HOWEVER, we also should NEVER let knowledge become our IDOL.

Time to worship God!

So now I'm singing singing singing all the time!

My former Corps Officer said:
In a basketball game, the way to destroy the opposition is not to hit the players.
The way to destroy the opposition is to get the ball in the basket.
We could spend our efforts trying to beat up the devil,
or we could worship. Worshipping is getting the ball in the basket.

Tired of sin? Tired of injustice? Tired of depression?
Don't just fight it,
WORSHIP GOD!

Thanks for reading my process.

"i believe the whole Bible: from the table of contents all the way to the maps!"

2008-05-08T17:43:00.001-04:00

still wondering about predestination.
for the past 3 years or so.

Paul asks some interesting questions in the book of Romans.
some questions that i'm pretty sure i have asked as well.

"do you presume on the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" (2:4)

"if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? that God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us?" (3:5)

"if through my lie God's truth abounds to his glory, why am i still being condemned as a sinner?" (3:7)

"what if some were unfaithful? does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God?" (3:3)

good questions, Paul.
i think that Paul was completely inspired when he wrote this letter. the Holy Spirit somehow chose to use him to write several amazing works...and i'm so grateful for them.

sometimes people say that they like the gospels more than the epistles, because the gospels are the words of Jesus.

to that i respond: the epistles are the words of Jesus as well.

if we believe that the Scriptures are given by inspiration of God, then we must believe that Paul's words, John's words, etc. have as much authority as the words of Christ Himself. this is because they are the words of the Holy Spirit, Who is also God.

let's treat them seriously.

forgive me as He forgave you

2008-05-05T19:13:00.000-04:00

well hello everyone.

i live in a continuous state of blog-reluctancy.
this is due to my abhorrence of anonymous internet arguments. i learned long ago that to do so is to waste time.
still, i savour the art of writing, and enjoy my amateurish share.
therefore, i hope to continue my ramblings, despite the disagreements they may stir up.

i'm sorry to those anonymous readers who think that i will never understand.
perhaps i won't. i'd like to, and that is why i'm searching through the Scriptures. i need your forgiveness again and again for any falsity that i publish here. most of my blogs are simply a stumbling attempt to step closer to the truth, and to be honest-- i now disagree with many blogs i wrote previously. please be patient.

but above all-- i never want to dishonour the name of God. i hope you understand that i view God as quite the opposite of a "being of absolute evil."
there are many things i don't know about the character of the Lord, but if there is one thing i do know it is that He is good. if i implied in my last post that God was anything but perfect, please erase that thought from your mind.

perhaps i didn't express my true thoughts accurately. this is the danger of the written word.
i wish you were here so we could speak.

make no mistake:
God is compassionate. gracious. full of love. patient with us. slow to get angry. merciful. pure. holy.
and in His love for me, He saved me.
the only answer i can give as to "why" He saved me is that He is merciful. it certainly isn't anything that i did to deserve His kindness. it's not about what i do, but it's about Who He is.

my thoughts on the justice of God, on the existence of hell, on predestination, and on my depravity do not lead me to conclude anything negative--only that He is merciful. He does not give me what i do deserve, and He does give me what i don't deserve. phew.

if i thought that everyone deserved salvation, then i would get angry with God for creating those who aren't ever going to be saved. but i don't. i find only gratitude for His grace in saving any of us.

2008-05-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

ok ok ok

i've got 9 minutes and 46 seconds to get a thought across.

total depravity.
as a Christian, i believe that everyone is born with a sinful nature.
this means that from birth we are slaves to sin. it is impossible for us not to sin. it is impossible for us to please God.
i also believe that because of that, everyone deserves punishment-- namely hell.
God, in justice, has the right to send everyone to eternal punishment.
including me.

also,
i believe that Jesus was perfect in every way, and didn't have a sinful nature.
He is the Son of God.
He died because of our sins, to take our punishment for us.
because of this, i am not going to hell.

i believe that in our sinful state, it is impossible to repent, and impossible to have faith in Christ.
i think that we can only become Christians if God enables us to.

we have free will-- we can do what we desire to do.
but as sinful creatures, we don't desire Christ, we don't desire holiness, we only desire sin.
we have the ability to do what we desire, but we don't desire Christ unless He gives that desire to us.

that is why i believe in predestination.
i still don't understand why God seems to give some people the desire to turn to Him and not all.

but i do know that He owes salvation to NO ONE.
we have no right to get angry at Him because He only chooses to enable some of us.
if He was obliged to give the whole world grace, then it wouldn't be grace.

i'm inexpressibly grateful that God has changed my heart.
i know that, in my natural form, i desire nothing except sin and to please myself.
i am in awe that He chose to transform me and save me.
because He has saved me-- i have faith in Him, and i follow Him.

maybe faith doesn't get us saved,
maybe we are saved by God, and then faith is the fruit of that. maybe we aren't saved because we repent, but we repent because we are saved.

fear of God,
and understanding my own depravity,
has finally helped me to get a glimpse of His grace.

so there you have it.
my most recent thoughts.

1 minutes and 35 seconds left.
i think i'm done.

This wound was a two year process.

2008-03-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

It all started two years ago, when I was scrubbing the floorboards of the room,
In the Shaldon Hotel, down the hall, and around the corner from good old room 218,
Because my philanthropist roommates suggested
That we do “Extreme Home Makeover: Slum Hotel Edition.”
As I washed, a splinter of the slipshod floorboards dug down deep under my nail.

My finger has never been the same since,
With a thick white scar, and a diagonally slanted nail.
This didn’t bother my in any way, except for my hand vanity.

On Sunday night, the guys were playing violent floor hockey and I was bored.
I’d rather drink tea and chat.
So, I fulfilled my gender stereotype and
Washed their dishes, instead of joining them.
I’m not too lady-like though—
Up to my elbows in slimy bubbles and orange water (the drain was blocked),
Pouring gallons of elbow grease and steel wool into the mix.
I let out all my rage on that damn, unappreciated cookie sheet,
Stained by years of torpid teenager’s stubborn pizza grease.

The cruel combination of grease, suds, and steel
Led to my finger’s flaw breakdown.
The scar split,
And I thought I might go into shock from lack of blood.

Happy International Women's Day.

Dinnertime at Hope Renfrew

2008-01-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

“Dinner is ready!”
Ready, finally.
She’s finally ready to open and share her life with us.
It’s taken some time, but the long-awaited bell has now chimed.
After years of preparation,
Anticipate. (Her story, that is, not dinner.)

“Please pass me the salt.”
The shaker is passed.
She shakes as she passes on to another grave tale of woe.
Didn’t know that much sorrow was possible for one to take.
Without shrivelling like a slug.
Way, way, too much. (Her sorrow, that is, not the salt)

“More juice for you, Grace?”
Carefully, I pour.
She pours out, lavishly, generously, easily, her heart
Her heart stretches and holds more than her glass would ever want to.
Both transparent for the moment
Horrible stuff. (Her anguish, that is, not the juice)

“Ice cream for dessert.”
Mmm, such soft sweetness.
She’s always so sweetly determined to be softly spoken
Despite the trauma that she experienced back when she was—
Her affect is like a raw child.
Delectable. (The ice cream, that is, not her past)

“I’ll wash, and you dry.”
Ew. Dirty dishes.
She feels dirty; everyone she knew used to tell her she was.
We can scrape and scrub and rinse until the heavy job is done.
As long as it will have to take.
Clean and perfect. (The dishes, that is, and the girl.)

Anticipate. Way, way too much. Horrible stuff. Delectable. Clean and perfect.
Her story, that is, not dinner.
Her sorrow, that is, not the salt.
Her anguish, that is, not the juice.
The ice cream, that is, not the past.
The dishes.

The girl.

hosanna.

2007-12-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wonder if we are an exiled people.

throughout history, the Hebrew people went in and out of exile.
they knew that a Messiah was coming, but they didn't know what they were looking for. they knew that they needed to follow God's commands from the past, but they weren't sure what He was saying in those days. God seemed silent.

we, the people of God, are spread all around, knowing something of what is to come-- Christ's return.
many of us are unsure of what to do right now-- and feeling directionless. we want to hear from Him, and we're all kept waiting, wondering what's going to happen next.

however, throughout history, the Lord has used exile to do some miraculous things.
for example:

*de-centralized worship (people began to build synagogues all over-- they no longer believed that the Lord was only present at Zion).

*the writing of the Torah in the lingua franca-- Aramaic

*the Hebrew people began to notice that God was elsewhere in the world, and in fact began witnessing! "God-fearers" came to know Yahweh, and pagan cultures were "evangelized" to monotheism, as a result of the exile. this prepared the way for the gospel of Christ among the nations.

*when the Israelites were gathered together again, only those who were devoted returned-- exile cleansed the people of the idolaters.

what is the Lord going to do in our time of exile?
purge us of idolatry? spread us around the world, bringing the truth with us? something new and beautiful that we have yet to understand?
i long for His return, i long for Him to gather us together, but i KNOW His timing is perfect.

hello, again

2007-12-16T15:55:00.001-05:00

okay okay okay.

if i ever again neglect blogging for an extended period of time, y'all have my permission to bug me about it.

if i knew that there was a certain spot in my city where i could stand, at a certain time of day, and everyone would stop and listen-- it would irresponsible of me to not show up to that spot, at that time, and preach the gospel.
likewise, people read blogs. we should make the most of this opportunity.
so i'm going to try and jump back on the bandwagon, we'll see how this goes.

i'm considering starting a series, that may one day turn into a book, called something like, "What must i do to be saved?"
my writings on holiness have all been clear and steady.
my writings on salvation are more likely to be a struggle, because i have so many diverse, half-baked thoughts on this far-reaching theme.

it will include topics such as:
repentance
grace
faith
predestination
works
judgement
hell/heaven
the end of the world
fear of the Lord
character of the Lord
evangelism
free will

you can expect me to launch off into these themes in my next few entries.

i'll leave you with that for now, and also with this--
stay close to Jesus.

Christ

2007-11-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

"You are the God of the broken,
the Friend of the weak.
You wash the feet of the weary,
embrace the one in need.

i want to be like You, Jesus,
to have this heart in me.
You are the God of the humble,
You are the Humble King."

He yokes Himself to the suffering, and suffers along with them.

when i yoke myself to the suffering, i meet Him there.
and it is the most intimate place to be.

Calmenianism

2007-11-14T13:11:00.000-05:00

"The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.
Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness."
2 Thessalonians 2:9-12

"Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad—in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls—she was told, "The older will serve the younger." Just as it is written: "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated."

What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses,
"I will have mercy on whom I have mercy,
and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' " Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory— even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles?"
Romans 9:11-24

in my own reason, Wesleyan-Armenianism makes sense. when i think about what i understand about who God is, and how things work, the only conclusion i come to is-- God wants everyone to be saved, and it's up to our free will to choose Him or to choose to run away from Him.
my assumptions about God lead me to think that predestination is bogus.

and then i read the Bible-- and all my understanding is shattered!
logic tells me that God calls everyone, and it's up to us whether we are saved.
but the Bible, not my logic, appears to be telling me that God creates some people for destruction, and even sends deception to people, so that they will be condemned.

it still doesn't totally jive with my logic,
but what is logic compared to the WORDS OF GOD?

humble me, God.

happy birthday 2 darren hailes,dave laboss,melissa wight,dan white,jeremy strain,nate irvine,jessica bryant,janet munn

2007-10-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

in cell this week we read Deuteronomy 11. good stuff.
part of the chapter was talking about "remember the miraculous deeds of the Lord," specifically His might in delivering His people from Egypt.

we were asked the question, "what miraculous deeds has the Lord done in your life?"

people were mentioning being delivered from addiction (that was the most recurring), fast recovery from injury, and the like.
as i tried to reflect on the most obviously Divine miracle in my life what i came to was--
the restoration of my relationship with my mother.

i briefly explained how we were broken apart for a few years, but how He has TOTALLY turned our hearts back towards each other, closer than ever before.
in my recollection, that's the most miraculous thing in my life.
:o)
what a miracle. He has always been good to us.

this will tie in later on.

after a kickin time of worship last night, a gang of us crammed into the van and got pizza. as we drove, we did "drive by blessings."
we'd roll down the windows and yell blessings or prayers or encouragement to passers by. we were ESPECIALLY cool because of our aviator "csm" sunglasses, and our trip hop music.

sounds quirky, but the Lord TOTALLY used it, even in a way visible to us.

first we saw a lady shivering and coughing under a blanket right outside of the Salvation Army Grace Mansion. Nicole was working there that night, and she was outside talking to her, trying to help her out.
so we pulled up, and got her to come into our car. her name is Joleen. we hooked her up with some chamomile tea, clean dry shoes and a scarf, and drove her to a newly discovered women's shelter.
as we sat in the (sauna) car, waiting for the shelter to open, we talked with her about her life.
she told us that she moved to BC with her mother.
i asked her if they were still close.
she said they used to be, but now they refuse to speak.
interesting timing, as i've been reflecting on the restoration in that area of my life. so we prayed for reconciliation, for healing, and for truth.
i pray that she experienced the love of Christ.

then we drove by some of Dan's teens at a party.
we're so proud of them-- because they were the only ones not drinking! :o) yay!
so we kidnapped 2 of them and took them to 7-11 to get slurpees.
mm.

what miraculous deeds has the Lord done in your life?
remember.

uh, i dunno.

2007-10-09T12:27:00.000-04:00

"what must i do to be saved?" the rich young ruler asked Jesus.

hm.

how would you respond if you were faced with this question?

to be honest, i'm terrified of God. i'm just so aware of my own depravity, and of His perfection, that i can barely even stand in His presence. when i get a shadow of a glimpse behind the curtain, the weight of His glory pushes me to the ground. i am justly exposed to the wrath of God--

and so i'm working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

i've been taking a bit of an informal survey, asking believers around me, "what is required of us for salvation?"

what i'm picking up is that a big percentage of the Church doesn't know the gospel.
we are barely even able to explain what we believe about grace, faith, repentance, works, hell, heaven, judgement, Jesus...
these things are key. and i'd like to know the truth.

wanna know my opinion? :o)
i think ("think" being a key word-- like i said, i'm working this through) that maybe (another key word) we've been wrong for generations and generations.
only in the past few months have i been trying to read the Bible without twisting it to match my own opinions.
and as i read it, i find a lot of things that contradict, or are held in paradoxical tension with, Church traditions.
i wonder if what we preach-- "just believe in Jesus, and accept Him as Saviour"--might not be enough.

where is repentance involved?

what about predestination? Romans 9 would seem to infer that God chooses who He will have mercy on and who He will harden, and we shouldn't dare to question His choices.

what about those verses that tell us that we will be judged on our deeds?

"Look, i am coming soon! my reward is with Me, and i will give to everyone according to what they have done." Revelation 22:12
"And i saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throng, and books were opened. another book was opened, which is the book of life. the dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books." Revelation 20:12

and then there's Matthew 25. Jesus divides the sheep (the saved) from the goats (the unsaved) based on whether or not they gave water to the thirsty, invited in the stranger, gave clothes to the naked, and visited the sick and in prison.

i REALLY want to be saved from punishment and hell.
i also REALLY want everyone else to be-- so i need to make sure that what i'm preaching to them is the truth. i don't want to be held accountable for telling someone that they're saved, when in reality, they aren't.

what must i do to be saved?
He has shown us the grace, He has ransomed us, now what is OUR part?
what do YOU think?

can anything good come from Nazareth?

2007-10-03T09:57:00.000-04:00

Zephaniah 3

Judgment on Jerusalem and the Nations

"1 Woe to her who is rebellious and defiled,
the oppressing city!
2 She listens to no voice;
she accepts no correction.
She does not trust in the LORD;
she does not draw near to her God.
3 Her officials within her
are roaring lions;
her judges are evening wolves
that leave nothing till the morning.
4 Her prophets are fickle, treacherous men;(G) her priests profane what is holy; they do violence to the law.
5The LORD within her is righteous;
he does no injustice;
every morning he shows forth his justice;
each dawn he does not fail;
but the unjust knows no shame."

hm. Zephaniah describes Jerusalem, a rebellious and defiled city.
i think i live in a rebellious and defiled, and oppressing city too.

"5 But the Lord is still there in the city,
and he does no wrong."
"5 Yet God remains righteous in her midst,
untouched by the evil.
He stays at it, day after day, meting out justice.
At evening he's still at it, strong as ever."

in the midst of the city, the Lord is good. He's the Treasure buried in a field. He's the Rose amongst thorns. and He is still here...even here.

stream of consciousness

2007-09-11T11:48:00.000-04:00

my heart desires to blog everyday...but my living arrangement and time schedule doesnt allow for it.
update: i just moved into the Empress hotel. wahoo!
i honestly think this is my favorite place i have ever lived. downtown, slum hotel, sweet view, purple walls, black and white tile floor, beautiful roommates, opportunities everywhere. plus, the landlords dont want to spend the money to run the elevator (its not broken), so we walk up the stairs every day. soon well be cut like cougars. at least were not on the 7th floor.
the war college students arrived this weekend. sweetness. theyre a small but focused session. last night they were homeless, and this morning they were cheery and devoted as they prayed the Psalms for 30 minutes, even though they were running on little to no sleep. hardcore. they are called the Incendiary session.

okay, now that im in the Empress i have limited internet access. plus the Carnegie community centre is on strike, so i cant use that internet. right now im at Radio Station Cafe, on the corner of Hastings and Colombia.
this place is fabulous-- run by believers. not only do they only sell fair trade coffee-- they sell DIRECT trade coffee. they deal directly with the coffee farmers, not with the fair trade company.

anyway,
the book of Matthew. im lovin it. im chewin it up like its a Reeses...only much more substantial and nutritional. okay, its bread, but the Reeses thing sounded more appealing to me.

i love to read Jesus speak on the end times. its so much clearer then Revelation. some stuff He hides in parables, but some stuff He puts right out there-- like the fact that we will be massively persecuted and hated for His sake.
and that we will only be saved if we hold firm until the end-- though the love of many will grow cold.
and He will come when we dont expect it.
and He will judge us according to our deeds.
now, im not trying to preach that we are saved by works...im just talking about how Jesus divides the sheep and the goats-- the sheep are the ones who fed the hungry, gave water to the thirsty, invited the stranger in, and visited the sick and imprisoned. and the goats are the ones who didnt do those things.
He said it, not me.

okay but check this out--
*While Jesus was in Bethany in thehome of Simon the Leper, a woman came to Him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on His head as he was reclining at the table.
when the disciples saw this, they were indignant. *why this waste? this perfume could have been old at a high price and the money given to the poor.*
aware of this (of course. o.m.) Jesus said to them, *why are you bothering this woman? she has done a beautiful thing to me. the poor you wil always have with you, but you will not always have Me. when she poured this perfume on My body, she did it to prepare me for burial. truly i tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.*
Matthew 26:6-13

heres what i gather:
when Jesus says,*the poor you will always have with you,* He is not telling us to therefore neglect them. He is quoting Deuteronomy 15:11 which says-- *There will always be poor people in the land. therefore I command you to be openhanded toward those of your people who are poor and needy in your land.*
but He IS telling us to get our priorities straight.
you see, money, or expensive perfume, isnt really the issue for me. the issue is time.
sometimes when im worshipping the Lord i feel like i should leave my room and go out and be on the streets amongst the poor. but He then reminds me- the poor will ALWAYS be there. if you stay with Me for another hour and go out, theyll still be sitting on the same corner. do not neglect doing a beautiful, even extravagent and wasteful thing for Me.

the one thing i want is to be in His presence, gazing upon His beauty. and after that, its the poor.

another revelation:
before Peter denies Jesus 3 times, it says that he *followed Jesus at a distance.*
Christianity is really a call to a lifetime of following Jesus.
lets not follow Him at a distance, rather walk closely beside Him. if we do well probably get killed alongside Him.

peace.

check it out.

2007-09-03T20:58:00.000-04:00

if you haven't yet, go to:

warroom614.blogspot.com

in our 24-7 prayer room here in Vancouver, for the past 3(?) years we have had a notebook called the "What are we hearing?" book. we've gone through quite a few, and it's a treasure to read through WAWH books from back in the day.
you see-- the War Room is a place where people regularly hear the voice of God. this book is a way of keeping track of what God is saying to us, and seeing how it aligns with what the rest of our Body is hearing.

and now, we're going digital (woo we're so with the times.)

one benefit of this is that all you people who don't have the blessing of joining us in the War Room, now can read what we are hearing, and receive from what we are receiving.

so read it. my guess is that it will be updated multiple times every day, since someone is always in the room praying, and the Lord is consistently speaking.

believe me

2007-08-31T21:06:00.000-04:00

for those of you interested in my life-- i have just been diagnosed with bronchial pneumonia. but thanks to fabulous Canadian socialized health care, i got free antibiotics so i should be up and running shortly.

for those of you interested in my thoughts-- faith. it's all i can think about these days. i've had a few revelations:

firstly, we are saved by grace through faith. now, as one who preaches works more than grace, i regularly have to remind myself of this. we are not saved by our deeds, we are only saved by the grace of God. through our faith. but here's the kicker-- faith without works is dead.
if we truly have faith in the resurrection of Christ, if we truly have faith in the reality of an Almighty God, if we truly have faith in the judgement that is to come-- then our entire lives will be taken over by these beliefs.
it is impossible to believe in hell and not preach the gospel. it is impossible to believe that Jesus is Lord and not follow His commands. our beliefs determine our actions-- and if they don't, they aren't genuine beliefs. we are saved by grace through real faith.

now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). it is choosing to believe in what we cannot see. a wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign (Matthew 12:39, Matthew 16:3-5, Luke 11:29). i regularly hear of people asking for a sign from God before they believe-- "God, if You're out there, show Yourself to me." i often find that people don't do anything until they have some supernatural encounter that spurs them into faith-filled living. that's believing WITH seeing, but it's not faith.
faith is praying for a miracle even when you see no results. faith is believing in a Messiah Whom we have not met face to Face. faith is choosing to cling to Him, even in the dry seasons when He seems invisible, even if we're going to be killed for believing in Him.
faith is crazy. it's absolutely ridiculous to throw your life into this great movement without having proof that it's worth it. but i KNOW it is.

and lastly, faith is continuous. i am more certain then ever that it is possible to lose salvation, because of this-- faith only counts if we hold onto it until the end. it's possible to stray away from faith, to slowly let doubt creep in until you only believe what is clearly before you. i believe that continuance in a state of salvation depends upon continued obedient faith in Christ. it's continued, and it's obedient. there's no other kind of faith.

pray for me, please. i have been attacked with doubt a few times in the past 2 years, but the more i learn about faith, the more set in it i become. i will NEVER leave Him, even if i cannot prove Him.
please also pray for my health. i've taken some time off of work, because the majority of guys in my shelter have HIV, and if they catch pneumonia, they could die. but i hate not being able to be out, so i'm believing for quick healing! hallelujah. thank you Lord for antibiotics.

2007-08-20T15:24:00.000-04:00

i feel like i am always living
on the verge of uncompromising devotion.

does anyone else feel this way?

take me beyond the threshold.

ghetto FABULOUS

2007-08-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

ahh...it's good to be back in Vancouver, and it's good to be back in blogosphere.
it's been quite a week in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
we prayed, preached, prophesied, partied...it was my "best life ever."

re-entry, as usual, was jarring.
though i have lived in the Downtown East side for 2 years now (wow!) i still feel shocked every time i return to it.

i slept all day on planes, on buses and in airports, due to the all-nighter i pulled my last night in Maine (bad idea-- mom, dad, i will listen to your advice forever!)
as a result, i arrived in the DTES feeling like a drug-addict who needed some up (and probably looking like one too). how very incarnational of me.

as we pulled up to my apartment the first thing we notice is a firetruck parked right outside my door! the next thing we notice is an ambulance appearing and multiple paramedics rushing into my door, up the stairs.
we follow them up the stairs, lugging our under 50 lbs. suitcases behind us.
it turns out that one of my house-mates was having a bad reaction to some Tylenol-3s he had taken previously. nothing serious, but still quite a jolting, dramatic entrance back into our household. welcome home.

then i sat on a couch and chatted with my family here about my time in Maine. after sitting for a few minutes i realized that i was scratching my ankles furiously. these were no left-over mosquito bites from Maine. nor was this the irritating sensation of peeling, sunburned skin. no-- these were something else i'm equally familiar with-- bedbug bites. i'm back for less than one hour and i've already met 10 paramedics and been assaulted by a pestilence. welcome home.

i indulged myself with a (much needed) bath...in the dark because our bathroom light isn't working. i went to bed early and awoke early (i love jet lag) only to lay in bed and listen to the hullabaloo in the alley beneath my window. it's good to be back.

as i walked down the street yesterday i felt like it was dirtier then ever before. i figured that it was just the culture shock of leaving and returning-- but then someone informed me that the garbage workers have all gone on strike for the past 4 weeks. this means that dumpsters are overflowing, alleys are teeming, and the sidewalks are beginning to remind me of Nigeria. piles and piles of garbage everywhere and anywhere. this has also resulted in a new discovery of a RAT in our house. i've come to terms with cockroaches and mice, but rats!? oh man, we'd better get rid of that union... ;o)
it's a lovely reality to return home to.

i have never been anywhere quite like the DTES. it's horrible, and i have many reasons why i should hate it here-- but it seems to have this strange sucking power. i suppose that's the call of God on my life. if you could separate my life from the Divine, then my love for this neighborhood is inexplicable. He's given me a love for the DTES that is real-- it's not a "i SHOULD love the poor, so i'll be good to them." it's a genuine love that even overflows into smiling as i drive down Hastings street (the view from a car window is an angle i'm not used to).

i'm in love with this place, even though i'm sure that i don't "belong" here. i don't belong anywhere really...i'm a citizen of heaven, but the DTES is treating me well as a home-away-from-home while i'm still alive.

whenever i go away from this place, i breathe a sigh of relief, and begin to think how sweet it could be to move away. but whenever i return i feel giddy and lovesick and wonder what is going on with my heart.

"time alone with Jesus"

2007-07-25T18:38:00.000-04:00

i could be off blogging for the next 10 days-- i'm going to Old Orchard Beach camp meetings to do prophetic prayer and evangelism at the pier.
sweet.
there's going to be 5 generals there. hey-yo!
and there's going to be french fries and sunshine and boogie boards and ice cream and friends and pizza and waves and and sand and fried dough and stars and family. i'm stoked.

before i go, allow me to share what God's teaching me:

i'm learning to HIDE myself in Christ.
my good friend Beracah had a vision this morning, of Jesus on the floor. she was desiring to get up and prophecy and cry and preach-- but He was calling her to lay face down on the floor, where He was. she was thinking, "what about the people!?" but He was drawing her to Himself, before them.
He's recently been calling me away from trying to change the Downtown East side, and away from trying to revolutionize the Salvation Army, and away from trying to influence everyone in 614...He's calling me to His presence.
world salvation and Church awakening is still pressing heavy on my heart-- but for this season: i'm in training. He's leading me away from "the people" and to Himself.

like Moses and the burning bush (taken from one of Stephen and Danielle's teachings)-- it wasn't about Moses, it was about the people.
and it wasn't about Moses, it was about the Lord.
it's not about me-- it's about Him.
it's a temptation for me to even make ministry a selfish thing: i want to effect things, i want to change the world: but often my motivation is for my own glory, not for the Lord's glory, or the people's salvation.

thus, i'm hiding myself. i want to be invisible, i want to hide under His shadow, i want to lift HIM up, and i want do dwell in the SECRET place with Him. hidden in secrecy in His presence, not just talking about His presence in the sight of others. i want to have something so special and secret with Him, that no one else will be able to understand it. a private little world, alone with Christ.

i want to be alone with Him wherever i am, for the rest of my life. no one else.

Schmunday

2007-07-15T03:09:00.000-04:00

a young native man, wearing a crucifix around his neck, approaches me. before he introduces himself, or asks my name, he says,
"what church do you go to?"

oh, such a difficult question to answer. Sunday morning? i sleep in. i align myself with the train of thought that we ARE the Church. our lives should be so taken over by Christ and His Body that we don't need to go to church, because we are constantly surrounded by it.
still, i recognize that to answer this boy in the negative would be a bit misleading.
"um...i don't really go to a church on a Sunday morning...but i'm involved with the Salvation Army."

"you should come to my church! (nodding and smiling and thinking-- no thanks.) you'd fall in love with it. they have real Tim Horton's coffee every week, and free cappuccinos!
and you know the band The Police? they did a concert at our church once! we've also had Evanescence and even Petra. i KNOW that if you came you'd LOVE it."

verily i appreciate the fact that this fellow was making an effort to evangelize. or was it evangelism? is inviting someone to come with you to your meeting considered preaching the good news? or is it just inviting them to come hear someone else preach the good news potentially, but perhaps a message that means nothing to them?
anyway, i do value the offer, and recognize that it takes some boldness.

his technique, however, i do question. didn't work for me.

coffee and cappuccinos-- i could get at a thousand other places in this city.
music-- i could go to a club. go to a concert. listen to the radio.
those were the things that he used to draw me-- and while i recognize the value of making Church enjoyable, all i could think about was how he wasn't offering me anything unique. he wasn't offering me something that could be found only within the Church.

now, i admit that i appropriate the same strategy. two things that i regularly use to persuade people to come to my cells are food and family. i say, "i'm cooking dinner, it's really low key, lots of great people, community, a place to share, etc." so you see, i'm not trying to criticize this man, i'm simply questioning the entire method.

firstly, it doesn't work the majority of the time(sinners vote with their feet-- they don't like church).
secondly, it's deceptive. i have an agenda. i'm only giving them coffee and company so that they'll run into Jesus.

i don't want to invite people to a church meeting (that is, if i was part of one).
i want to invite people to be reconciled with the God Whom they formerly thought was unknowable.

so, if i was going to say "yes" to some one's offer to go to church, they'd have to be inviting me to go to something that was so exciting, and so distinct that i knew i wouldn't experience it anywhere but the church.

what are some things that the church has to offer that the world can't?
-- meaning and purpose in life to the dry.
-- authentic community to the lonely.
-- freedom from addictions, fears, and sins to the frustrated.
-- healing for the sick and wounded.
-- friendship with the Divine for the seeking.
-- perhaps food, shelter, medical care, justice, water, and education to the poor.

even with all of these attractive offers, people are not coming into our churches at a very impressive rate.

maybe that's because we're not encountering these things. maybe we're only experiencing the same as what the rest of the world is experiencing.

or maybe it's because they don't know that it's happening, because no one has told them.

whatever the cause, the effect is that people are not drawn to the Church.

if the Church doesn't attract people to come to Her, then i suggest that we go out and introduce Ourself. and then introduce Him.

2007-07-13T19:16:00.001-04:00

the battle belongs to the Lord.

urbandictionary has no clue

2007-07-13T19:04:00.003-04:00

where He leads me

2007-07-11T14:08:00.000-04:00

"but whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of Christ. what is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake i have lost all things. i consider them rubbish, that i may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. i want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3.

"relationship experts" suggest that on a first date, a couple should go on an adventure together. a paint ball fight, a roller coaster ride, whatever-- it's preferable to going to a movie, or sitting and talking.
this is because we are bound to someone when we share experiences with them, not when we simply talk about what we experience when we are apart.

i want to know Christ.

to become intimate with Him will take more then just spending time with Him, telling Him about my life, asking Him for help, and even listening to His voice.
i need to experience life with Him.

happily for me, He's asked me to come follow Him, and share in His life.

when i follow Jesus, where does it lead me?-- to the cross...and to resurrection.

i'm not pursuing suffering, i'm pursuing Jesus.
but when i pursue Him, suffering is where i inevitably end up-- because it is where He is. and this is wonderful. sharing in the sufferings of Christ is one of the most binding parts of our relationship. i love it, because it brings me closer to Christ-- beautiful Christ, the only One i want.

what did Jesus suffer?

He suffered physical torture.
i have yet to experience this-- unless fasting counts :o)

He suffered grief over His people.
"o Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!"
Luke 13:39
"when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."
Luke 11:33

so part of sharing in the sufferings of Christ includes sharing in others sufferings. taking on their sorrows as our own.

any other ways that He suffered?

i want to suffer-- because i want to be with Christ where He is-- wherever He is.

humility bulletin

2007-07-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

Jesus was the perfect picture of humility.

He is the King of the Universe, as high and as powerful and One could be.
and yet He lowered Himself to be as low and broken as One could be.

i am just a girl, made of dust, and my life is going to be over in the blink of an eye.
and yet i find it hard to lower myself in the least.

He is so beautiful. and i want to look like Him so badly.
___________________________________________________________________

do you believe in soul mates? do you think that God has one person picked out for each of us, or does He give us options?
___________________________________________________________________

Numbers is a KICKIN book. oh man, i've been stunned by it.

Moses was the most humble man in all of the earth. wow.
and he spoke with the Lord face to face, unlike other prophets who saw in visions and dreams. i wonder if it's a coincidence that he was amazingly humble, and that he had real fellowship with God.

Numbers also includes many examples of intercession.

--in chapter 11 the Lord sends His fire and burns the Israelites on the outskirts of the camp, because they were complaining. the people cry out to Moses, and Moses cries out to the Lord, and He stopped.

--in chapter 12 Miriam gets leprosy because she and Aaron were talking against Moses. Aaron begs Moses to not hold their sins against them, Moses cries out to the Lord to heal her, and He did (though she was confined for 7 days)

--in chapter 14 the Lord is planning on wiping out all of the Israelites, besides Moses, but Moses prays and the Lord holds back His anger and instead punishes them by holding them in the desert for 40 years till that generation dies out.

--in chapter 16, Korah and his friends rebel, and are swallowed up by the earth! if Moses hadn't fallen face down and begged God to spare the community, it would have been the whole community, not just Korah's family.

--and, best of all-- the Lord sends a plague on all of the Israelites. He wipes out 14,700 of them, and only stops there because Aaron runs with a censor and stands between the living and the dead to make an atonement for the community.

WOW. their humble cries were HEARD by God, and affected so much.
___________________________________________________________________

i was shattered on Thursday.

i think it's because of all of my reflections on humility. i've been asking God to humble me, and He is. eek.

it was also a public humbling. great. He's stripping away my foundation and showing the world my blemishes. i am needy, i am absolutely broken.
i think brokenness is simply recognizing the fact that we ARE broken.

i want to be like Jesus, and i want to be like Moses-- humble.

the spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.

2007-06-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

good news!

the government just purchased the "Drake" hotel and strip club from the Hell's Angels.
this racy joint is on Princess and Powell-- smack dab in the middle of where all the girls are being prostituted.
we NiteLite girls, for the past two years, have been walking around that neighborhood a few hours every week. and every time we walk past the Drake, we pray that it will shut down. a few girl have gone INTO the club to order pops and pray, and were basically traumatized by all that they saw.

not ONLY is the strip club shut down, the entire building is being turned into affordable housing for the homeless! justice and mercy. hallelujah.
that's an example of winning plunder from the enemy after a victory.

of course, there is a concern in my head that the Hell's Angels now have $3.2 million on hand. maybe they'll donate it to the Salvation Army.

next target: the No. 5 Orange. this is another strip club owned by the Hell's Angels, just 4 blocks away from the Drake-- my next door neighbors. we've been praying that this place would shut down for just as long.
on our same block there is a Christian ministry called "Jacob's Well." they do dinners, Bible Studies, all kinds of things. they prophesied that the whole block would be owned by believers. when we moved in they were overjoyed, and it pumped up their faith a bit. they also prophesied that the No. 5 Orange would be a church. we've had similar pictures, during prayer, of the light bursting forth from the inside.

please pray for the women in my neighborhood.

speaking of all that good news:
how do we spread the good news?

what IS evangelism?

most of my life, i was taught that evangelism is this: you make friends with nonbelievers, and after a few years of hanging out with them, they'll ask you why you're so happy all the time.
okay, so i'm sure this works sometimes, but it certainly doesn't seem very proactive.
first of all, it's difficult to make friends with nonbelievers for the sole purpose of getting them saved, because you have an agenda. you hang out with them, but your motive is more than friendship, and they can tell.
secondly, this "sit back and be Christian" method of evangelism takes WAY too long! people die all the time, Jesus is returning soon, we've got no time to waste. if we all went out and made friend with a bunch of sinners today, most of them wouldn't be saved for years to come.

so i say, if you're already friends with nonbelievers, try and get them saved. relationship evangelism is not invalid.

HOWEVER-- since there is no fellowship with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14), and since Jesus is returning soon, perhaps we should focus our evangelism energy elsewhere.
do we undervalue cold-call evangelism?
what about asking someone if they want to be saved when you first meet them? or what about preaching on the streets?

evangelism is something that i have been struggling through for a couple years, and i've still only seen minimal fruit. what's it going to take?
the power of the Holy Spirit.

promoted.

2007-06-19T15:30:00.000-04:00

sad news from the Downtown East side:

there's an elderly native man who lives at Pigeon Park-- the sketchy corner where 614 does its open air meetings. his name is Rusty. he's got long stick straight hair, and he's constantly hunched over. he lives on one bench on the left side of the water fountain, and i've almost never seen him anywhere else.

last year, during a Holy session open air meeting, Rusty got saved. he sat, leaned up against the djembwe drum for the whole meeting, and at the end he requested Amazing Grace. he got up and started dancing, waving his arms around and weeping.

he never made it to our cell groups, and he never got a home off the streets. but Rusty was a believer, and there is no doubting that-- his church was our open air meeting. every week he joined us, and sang along, and requested Amazing Grace. he was full of love-- he gave out hugs liberally, he listened to our gospel shots, and his face was always lit up by the light of Christ.

Rusty was murdered last week, for no fault of his own. sometimes, down here, when someone is stabbed to death, everyone assumes it's because they didn't pay their drug dealer, or they stole some dope. but as for Rusty, everyone knows that's not the case. he was beaten, and his head was smashed into the pavement, by some angry man he didn't know.

obviously, i don't know the specifics of what was going through the enraged man's head, but whatever it was, he clearly did not think that Rusty's life was valuable enough to protect. Rusty was homeless, crippled, poor, previously a drunkard. i believe that somewhere in society's subconscious, we equate those things to equal worthless.

but it's not true. Rusty was a gem. a beautiful man, radiantly in love with His Saviour. he looked like Jesus-- he was humble, gentle, caring, zealous. he was the reason Christ came into the world.

i've been mourning about this deeply. but then, the Lord has used the tragedy to reveal to me something quite valuable: we're down here for a reason. i often feel like we fight hard, and press in, and sow and sow and sow...and we see so little fruit. but Rusty is some of our fruit. some of our fruit that remained to the very end. the Body of Christ has saved a man. we should be encouraged, and exhorted-- our fight is important.

and i know that now Rusty is more radiant then ever-- experiencing a healthy body, living in a mansion, and thriving in constant face to face encounters with the King.

hallelujah. promoted from Pigeon Park to Paradise.

always full, always hungry

2007-06-15T14:06:00.000-04:00

i have returned, safe and sound and full of love, from my journey.
3 weeks: London (Ontario), Toronto, New York, Hershey (Pennsylvania). people keep asking me, "how was your trip?" well the answer is: it was so many things. highs, lows, joys, sorrows, you know. blessed times, overall, i could blog on all that happened, but it would take too much time. sorry.

so, instead, i'll blog on my thoughts these days. two things:

1.) i am so THIRSTY for more of Jesus. yet, i know Him more deeply than ever. my experience is that the deeper i go with Christ, the deeper i need to go. back when i was stuck in sin, rebelling against God, and never talking or listening to Him, i didn't feel a compelling desire to know Him. i was empty, but i didn't hunger as intensely as i do now.
now that i commune with Him constantly, now that i hear His voice, now that nothing is blocking our relationship, i feel SO hungry for more! the more i drink of the Spirit, the thirstier i get; the more i eat of the Bread of Life, the hungrier i get. and i LOVE IT! my hunger for Him is His gift to me.

2.) i often hear of weary believers who "burn out" because they minister so much. missionaries, officers, war college students, you name it.
but i have to say: i don't think we ever have to come to a place of burnout. this is from experience, and Scripture (and reason of course, that's what i've already outlined) (and tradition!-- think of the saints before us who were persecuted, who continued to fight everyday until they were promoted to glory. their life was not an easy one, but even THEY never burnt out).

experience:
when i am operating in my gifts, among the poor and the lost, i feel absolutely ENERGIZED. i love it! it doesn't drain me, it pumps me up. i am co-operating with Jesus, following Him wherever He goes, and every moment of it is communing with Him. i feel drained when i have to deal with believers who are apathetic, but i don't feel drained when i am fighting.
of course: i understand physical fatigue. oh, do i ever understand it. i recognize that is completely valid, and we need to rest.
i also recognize that we can't be loving people if we are not abiding in Christ. we can't give out oil and wine that we don't have. if we are not continually and constantly drawing from our Wellspring of life, the Source, then we'll be dry, and literally have nothing left to give.

Scripture:
"They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion."
(Psalm 84:7)

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
(Hebrews 12:1-3)

"Jesus said to them, "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working."
(John 5:17)

so there you have it.
fight on.

holiness heathen

2007-05-20T14:00:00.001-04:00

i had a chat about holiness theology with an unbelieving man i work with.

it should be mentioned: he believes in "the divine," and he is sure that there is a supernatural, spiritual realm. he's just not a Christ follower. he's also a very smart man, and he knows a lot about philosophy and psychology.

it began because i was talking about my class (Extreme Holiness) in The War College. i was sharing how many of the students don't agree with my thoughts, and how it's a fairly controversial subject.
he asked me what was so disputatious about the whole thing.
i was reticent to explain it to him, because i figured that theological argot would not be beneficial to a nonbeliever. so i began to define the controversy, and we ended up talking about nothing but holiness for the next 2 hours. (i'm getting paid for this! haha!)

shocking:

he agrees with my theology more than most Christians i have spoken to!

i narrowed it down to two polemics:
1.) it is possible to live a holy life, not just be forgiven and continue to sin.
2.) it is possible to receive holiness in a single moment, and grow from there-- it's not a point that we need to strive for our whole lives, and never reach.

i am stunned that he agreed with me.
i am especially stunned because most believers i meet do not agree.

point #1
he told me that his big objection to Christianity is the fact that so many Christians accept forgiveness and continue to sin.
ME TOO! it seems that our belief in grace affects us so that we think we'll always sin, and that's why we have Jesus. sounds like cheap grace to me. both my co-worker and i think that there HAS to be a change of heart and action, or else the mercy of God is thrown away.

point #2
he's seen it quite a few massive transformations in his friends lives, because he is involved with NA. he says that it almost always happens overnight. surely, people grow and change gradually, but when God does a miracle in a person, it can happen in a single moment. he said that to say it would take our whole lives to "reach Christlikeness" would be to limit God.
I AGREE! our journey of holiness is not an asymptote. forgive the math-headed-ness. but listen to this:

an asymptote is a curved line approaching a straight line (in this example, the y-axis and the x-axis) and getting closer and closer to intersecting, but never touching. for infinity the fraction of space between the curved line and the straight line will get smaller and smaller, but but it will never disappear.

this seems to be the prevailing thought in the Church about holiness. we think that for our whole lives we will become more and more like Christ, but we'll never be Christlike. that's the problem with thinking of holiness as a point to be reached-- we think we'll never reach it, or we get caught up in legalism and striving by trying to touch that line.
both my co-worker and i think that this "blessing of a clean heart" must be viewed as a gift and a journey, but not a destination. make sense?

the discussion turned toward faith and salvation. hallelujah. keep praying for this guy, if you think of it. actually, pray for both of my co-workers-- each of them are close to repenting. the other guy i work with prayed with me the other day. he prayed, "God, if You're real, show Yourself to me." i'm believing that He will.

anyway-- i'm feelin a bit sad that a nonbeliever agrees with my theology more than the Church does. he's putting us to shame!

this n that.

2007-05-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

well...
quite a weekend it has been.

FULLNESS prayer and fasting weekend has just come to a close-- my stomach is finally satisfied, my mind is racing, and my heart is going deeper. i love Jesus.

my mom was here to preach.
she is not only a joy, a constant source of entertainment, love and empathy, she is also a FIREBALL. her preaching this weekend has been top notch. what an example. i want to imitate her in the same way that Paul told us to imitate him.

Tom Freeman was the worship leader.
he has, as we say in the Munn family-- a "land-o-lakes" voice. smoooooth like butter. and anointed (i don't use that word loosely).
and Rae Freeman. what a prophet (p.s. for some, strange feminist reason, i wince at the word prophetess.) her words are from the Almighty, no doubt.

i suppose anyone who has been a leader, a teacher, or a discipler (is that a word?) would resonate with what i'm about to share:
my War College students, my teen-cell girls, and my disciples bring me the greatest joys in life, as well as the greatest grief. when they succeed and follow the Lord, i rejoice so strongly with them, and my heart bursts with happiness. but when i see any hint of coldness to the Spirit, or any lack of wisdom, it causes me to mourn.

anyway, this weekend i experienced a bit of both.
hallelujah, it was RICH to see people being responsive to what the Lord was saying to them during FULLNESS. many responded to a call to holiness (i swear, i didn't pay her to preach on that!) my heart sang :o)

i'm leaving in a week and a bit to go on a little journey:
first i'm in London, Ontario where i'm preaching and dancing (two of my favorite things on earth!) at a youth councils.
then i'm chillin at 614 London for a few days and soaking up the Gillinghams.
then i'm in Toronto for a couple days to visit with friends.
then i'm going to New York to reunite with my family! it's the first time that the 4 of us will have been together since August. sweetness.
then we're all heading down to Hershey, Pennsylvania where the Territorial Kaleidoscope Congress is going to be held. i'm setting up the 24-7 prayer room there, and i'm rehearsing and performing with a group of dancers, so i'll be far from bored. i'm SO excited to dance again. :o)

pray for me if you think of it: especially in regards to the first leg of the trip-- the Lord is going to do some massive things at that Youth Councils in London, and i want to jump in and join Him in His work.

love it, hate it

2007-05-10T17:38:00.000-04:00

my last post was brief and didn't say much about my life, but it is definitely the thing that is strongest on my heart these days. i struggle to convey my deep feelings on this in words, but the feelings are unmistakably there. i hope that it made some sense to you.

a friend said this to me yesterday:

"would u agree that worldliness has only just stopped being seen as a sin in the last chunk of decades? funny how it seems to coincide with the SA becoming less effective.."

i have yet to respond to him, because i feel absolutely convicted.

in class (Extreme Holiness) we often try to clarify terms before we discuss them. we try to define "sin," "human nature," "sinful nature," and "flesh," so that when someone uses the word we all know what they mean. one of the terms that we recently tried to define was "THE WORLD."

a few times in the Bible we are told to hate the world.
"You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
(James 4:4)

it's obviously worth defining, because God loves the world, and we're told to go into all the world and preach the good news, and Jesus died to save the world...so what is it exactly that we are hating?

the world is not:
-the earth (as in creation)
-all people
neither of these things are to be hated. in fact, they should be loved! the Lord created them, He declares them good, and He loves them. i do too :o)

some define the world as narrowly as "sin."
but i think that perhaps it's broader than that. sure, we should hate sin, but i wonder if the world also includes things that are not wrong in themselves, but that are temporal and could lead to idolatry.

for example-- things. relationships. popularity.
they aren't necessarily inherently sinful, but they could lead to sin.

what my comrade said, i believe is true.

we don't treat a hunger for material things as vile idolatry.
we don't act as if craving for romance is going after our second love and ignoring our first.
we don't act as if friendship with the world is hatred toward God.

dang.

i don't HATE those things. sometimes i get a glimpse of reality, and i remember that they are only a shadow, but most of the time i enjoy those things of the world and no one calls me on it.
i'm sure i'm not the only one.

maybe when we consider worldliness a sin, the Lord will be able to use us.

2007-05-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

c'mon y'all, let's just go for it. throw off everything hinders.

can we please just get rid of any garbage that would prevent us from going after Him?

why would we want anything else? anything that keeps us from Him is DEATH, because true, eternal life is nothing more than to KNOW Christ and His Father.

like little children, sometimes we think we want something, but the truth is, we want Him, and we want to be totally free to sprint after Him...forever.

stop accepting slavery.

pardon the detour

2007-04-20T12:20:00.000-04:00

every two months, we take a gaggle of downtown eastside women on a car ride, a ferry ride, and another car ride until we reach the sunshine coast. even if you've never heard of the sunshine coast, doesn't it sound idyllic? well, it is-- it's perfection.

we take the whole band to a little slice of paradise called "linwood house."

this is the most exquisite home i have ever been in.
first of all-- it's massive.
second of all-- every little detail is amazing:

i took great delight in the doilies, the english country rose teacups, the pinstriped upholstery, the embossed wallpaper, the hardwood floors, the wraparound porch, the baby grand piano the paintings, the blue hydrangeas...absolutely stunning.

BLOG WHIPLASH COMING UP:

i wrote that 1 week ago, and never got around to finishing it. it now seems like lifetimes ago-- i'm far away from the sunshine coast, in every sense. to write any more about the experience would be looking into the distant past, and that is not something i'm inclined to do.
still, i enjoyed that handful of sentences i wrote, so i'm keeping them up.

onto the present.

we (and by we, i mean humanity, not just you and i) are always so stinkin busy.
i can't even tell you how many emails i have composed to long lost friends that began with, "sorry i haven't written you in a while, i've just been so busy!" \

614 Vancouver is, perhaps, particularly hustling. i know of individuals who, and i have experienced times when i, don't have time to buy groceries or do laundry because of working so tirelessly. ridiculous.
thus-- if one of us has a few hours off, all we want to do is rest.
i often hear, "i want to go visit people on the streets in my free time, i want to pray more, but i just can't fit it in!"

this chaos has a few different results:
--a chore mindset. a troupe of people who only do good for others when it is programed in for them to do so. visitation during League of Mercy, prayer during Air Force, preaching during Open Air, but never ministering out of the spontaneous overflow of the heart.
--lack of intimacy with the Lord. time with Him is rushed and scheduled down to the minute, full of requests and study but minimal amounts of listening and waiting.
--and at worst: burnout. total loss of passion and desire. quitting the field.

i think that many people these days look at business as a sign of importance. if you're not tiring yourself out with duty, then you must not be working hard enough for the Lord. i confess that sometimes i see my comrades running around like maniacs, and i feel that maybe i should be doing the same.

but the Lord keeps telling me "no"! in fact, He is telling me to cut back my schedule. this way, i'll have time off, and i'll have no excuse for not praying, for not taking one of our friends out for dinner, for neglecting a comrade who needs me to minister to them. i'll have the time to do what i WANT to do, and hopefully it will come more out of the abundance of my heart, and less out of prosperity of my schedule.

the Lord has also been teaching me about the importance of having a "secret place" with Him. going to my room, closing the door, and talking to Him with no one else around. this is also something that i can only do well if i haven't packed my day as much as is humanly possible. solitude is a basic lesson, but i'm relearning it, and it's transforming me. praise the Lord.

the blog file

2007-04-10T16:53:00.000-04:00

i've been quite slack on the ole blog front these days-- whoops.
it's just because my life is so rich, so full, so abundant...i find it hard to place blogging at the top of my priorities list. not that i have a list.
but i do love lists. hat tip dad (*tick tick tick*)

i've been rereading "Helps to Holiness," by Samuel Logan Brengle. absolute classic-- i'm getting more out of it this time then ever before.

here's a few things in the book that i've been loving (again), and a few of my own thoughts:
(heh, a list.)

1.)

"watch your life and doctrine closely. persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."
(1 Timothy 4:16)

personal holiness is absolutely vital-- for our own salvation, and that of those who hear the message through us.

p.s. on this one: who are your hearers?

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?"
(Romans 10:14)

preach it to 'em. AND-- watch your life and doctrine closely. you cannot to take too much care of your own soul.

2.)

chapter 12-- Gideon's Band-- absolutely brilliant.

he interprets that the crazy water-lapping-elimination that God does is not random-- but it was the Lord weeding out the self-indulgent soldiers. they took their eyes off the enemy to stick their faces in the river and quench their thirst. but the soldiers that God wanted, the remnant of 300 who defeated the 32,000 Midianites, drank with their eyes alert, their hands on their weapons, even though they were just as thirsty as the others.

we don't want no self-indulgent soldiers. we'd do better without them. i'd rather have an Army of sacrificial, fearless, disciplined soldiers that is dwarfed in number by the enemy, then a large Army of gluttons and sloths.

3.)

Stephen Court promotes that carnal Christianity is the worst possible lifestyle. and i testify-- amen. if your a sinner, full-on, at least you can "enjoy" the sin, relish in it, soak up all you can from it. and if you're sanctified, you can experience the highest possible levels of joy because of shame-free, ecstatic intimacy with God.

but: if your a Christian, AND you continue in sin-- relationship with God is lacking because of shame and the knowledge in the back of your mind that you are disobeying the One you claim to love. not only is relationship with God lacking, but sin isn't even enjoyable, because you're constantly being convicted by the Holy Spirit. both the sin and the relationship are unsatisfying.

i recommend to either be hot or cold. oh-- and please be hot. :o)

4.)

a few times recently i've spoken with some friends, and this question has come up:

"what do you really want?"

sounds like a simple question-- but it searches deeply. what do you REALLY want?

what i want is to be intimate with Him. honestly, it's the one thing i desire. if i'm happy, sad, abused, mistreated, rich, poor, abandoned, popular-- whatever-- i just want to experience it in true relationship with Him.
i'm sure that's what you want too.
but it's easy to think that we want one thing or another-- marriage, friends, food, sleep, family, a job, and effectiveness in ministry. i'm not talking about sin here. i'm talking about good things-- but they really fade in light of knowing Christ. i count them as garbage, for the sake of knowing Him.

i hate the world.

what do you really want?

5.)

now that i've opened the proverbial "file" (hat tip dad AGAIN!), there's no going back! i could type forever! :o)

Doctrine #10, back in the day:

"We believe that after conversion there remains in the heart of the believer inclinations to evil, or roots of bitterness, which, unless overpowered by Divine Grace, produce actual sin; but that these evil tendancies can be entirely taken away by the Spirit of God, and the whole heart thus cleansed from everything contrary to the will of God or entirely sanctified will then produce the fruit of the Spirit only. and we believe that persons thus entirely sanctified may, by the power of God, be kept unreprovable before Him"

BOLD STATEMENT!

i agree with it.

aiight, that's a lot to read. sorry.

2007-04-07T17:41:00.000-04:00

Crucified Man

I have placed all my hope in a crucified man
In the wounds in his side, his feet and his hands
I have traded my pride for a share in his shame
And the glory that one-day will burst from his pain

I’ve abandoned my trust in the wise and the proud
For this fragile, mysterious weakness of God
And I dare to believe in his scandalous claim
That his blood cleanses sin for who ever
Will call on his name
Live or die here I stand
I’ve placed my hope in a crucified man

I believe as they beat on his beautiful face
He turned a torturer’s chair to an altar of grace
Where the worst we can do met the best that God does
Where unspeakable hate met the gaze
Of unstoppable love
At the crux of it all there he hangs
I’ve placed my hope in a crucified….

Man of sorrows man of grief
Will he stay beyond belief?

When the purest and best took the force of our curse
Death’s victory armada juddered into reverse…
And either we bow or we stumble and fall
For the wisdom of a suffering God
Has made fools of us all
I gladly admit that I am
But I’ve placed my hope in a crucified …

Man of sorrows man of grief
Will he stay beyond belief?

I have buried my life in the cold earth with him
Like a seed in the winter, I wait for the spring
From that garden of tombs Eden rises again
And Paradise blooms from his body
And never will end
He’ll finish all he began
Creation hopes in a crucified man

When I stand at the judgement
I have no other plan
I’ve placed my hope in a crucified man

Like the thief nailed beside him
I have no other plan
I’ve placed my hope in a crucified man

Graham Kendrick

2007-04-05T17:56:00.000-04:00

you can have all this world,
but give me Jesus.

"what are those sores all over their faces?"

2007-03-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

the last Wednesday of the month and the days following are always such a dark season.

welfare Wednesday.

i was amazed again, at how different the streets are during that time.
all the dealers come out (they're always out, but more so this week), and everybody is tweaking out. it's intense.

perfect timing to bring 45 teens from small town northern BC to come and visit.

i was giving a group of them a tour right down skid row-- showing them the sights, trying to answer a sweet, chatty 13 year old boy who kept asking questions like, "what are those clear pipes everyone is sucking on?" or "why is that lady dancing?" or "why doesn't anyone have teeth?"
i don't want to answer those things! i know it's meant to be educational, but man!-- he learned a lot yesterday.

when you see young, clean, healthy-looking people walking down the street in massive packs, you know they're Christians. no doubt. this is a fairly regular occurrence, and it gets a lot of reaction.
"what, are you going to try and save me?! your God isn't real so f--- off!"
"oh look at the cute Christians kids! welcome to the real world."
"do you like my neighborhood? this is where you end up if you're really screwed up."

something in me (my Camden, New Jersey inbred longing for street credibility) wanted to separate myself and say, "oh, i live down here, i'm just giving them a tour..." but i know that they couldn't tell me apart from the others.

one man in rock alley told us off. he saw a crowd approaching and figured it was a perfect opportunity to start giving a speech. despite his street appearance, he had very refined English. most of what he said made no sense to me, but some of it sunk in deeply:
"mothers and fathers, why are you bringing your children down here against their own will? to show them the freak show? it's patronizing and wrong."

my neighbors, many of whom are my friends, feel like they are in a zoo, and that all the "normal people" are coming down to gawk at how messed up they are.
that's their experience with Christianity. either they get stared at, or preached at. very enticing, i'm sure.

sigh.

conversational whiplash:

i have inherited, from my mother, a double portion of Thrift Store anointing. i claimed that generational blessing years ago, and i'm seeing the fruit of it. :o)

i was walking past Value Village yesterday morning, and the Lord told me that if i would go in there, He was going to provide me with a red jacket.
so i went in, and came out a few minutes later with a sweet, blood red jacket, for $7.99 CDN. nice.

figured i'd end on that happy note of retail therapy, rather than leave you to think about the damage that short term mission trips do to a neighborhood, and to the missionaries who are fighting for it. more comfortable.

Ready And Willing Whatever.

2007-03-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

cahrazey week at RAW-- "Ready And Willing" youth THING.

definitely not a conference (the Lord hates those, Amos 5:21-24).
also definitely not a retreat (did our Captain sound the call to retreat? are we being pushed back by the enemy? i think not! no retreating, hell defeating)

so i'm not quite sure what to call RAW...an advance? an experience? training? Ready And Willing anti-conference?

whatever we call it, it was an important time:

these teens didn't gather together to spiritually please themselves, and leave feeling like an emotional mess. rather, they gave up their spring break, and came to the Downtown Eastside to serve the poor, and "dance upon injustice" (i'm still pretty sure that phrase is not in the Bible, but it's a catchy one anyway).

i praught (the teacher taught, the preacher praught-- ht, sargent xc) on Monday night-- probably the shortest, most disjointed sermon of all times. very silly.

but i console myself with this:
when Billy Graham was nearing the end of his first sermon, he felt like it wasn't long enough, so he started a second sermon. when that one was done, and he still didn't feel like it was long enough, so he started a third sermon. then he looked at the clock, and 5 minutes had passed. (ht, soldier spb)

that's pretty encouraging, eh?
mine was 11.5 minutes (who's counting?--ht, captain sec), and that was only one sermon, so guess i'm doing aiight.

the main point of this blog is this: i'm a better preacher than Billy Graham ;o)
kidding.

in other news, my emotions are as fragile as a porcelain doll.
i reckon that this has something to do with the fact that i chilled on the floor for 3 nights, surrounded by 15 year old girls, rarely sleeping. this resulted in physical fatigue (and sore muscles), emotional fatigue (i love those girls so much it hurts), BUT--
no spiritual fatigue. nuh-uh. when we serve the Lord, it energizes us (ht, major db). pouring all my love, energy and time into 11 teenage girls doesn't make me feel depleted-- it builds me up. i feel pumped!

i think i cried half a dozen times on Wednesday. everything just seems like such a big deal when you're tired.

i remember, as a child, feeling deep sorrow over the injustices in my life (i.e. my mom making me brush my teeth, my dad making me turn off the tv and go play outside)-- they were SUCH big deals to me. i felt like the world was against me, and it caused me great angst.
i also recall my mother looking at me patronizingly, and saying, "you're just tired sweetie."
it was horrible to feel like my own mother could summarize all of my massive problems so succinctly. so debasing-- belittling all of my titanic predicaments.

but this is precisely what's going on in me, even 12 years later:
i feel like every little problem is a huge deal...but i'm probably just tired.
perhaps you shouldn't remind me of that. i could easily burst into tears.

teenagers. oh my dear.

discernment needed.

2007-03-16T04:04:00.000-04:00

yesterday, in the War Room, as one prayer warrior looked down on the intersection of Main and Hastings, she commented:

"sometimes i can't tell if someone is high, or if they're a Salvationist."

hah-- hilarious. she went on to clarify, that when she sees someone on a street corner yelling, and dancing, she doesn't know if they're tweaking out, or praising the Lord.

our neighborhood is not normal. good thing we aren't either.

2007-03-13T16:43:00.000-04:00

very interesting class discussion this morning, all about holiness.
many differing viewpoints.

i know what i believe, but i am curious:

how man of you believe you are holy?
by that, i mean holy. :o) not saved in your sin, but from your sin.

how many of you believe that you live in total victory, that your sinful nature is crucified, that you're a slave of righteousness, that you've been filled with divine love?

i don't want to get into another holiness discussion right now (my brain hurts...i'm game for it at another time!), but i would love it if you would comment a sentence or two (no preaching, please) and tell me if you testify to holiness or not.
do you sin?

number 2 today

2007-03-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

p.s.

today is International Women's Day.

bless some women in your life!

perhaps you could:

--advocate for the sexually trafficked: stopthetraffik.org

--respect female officers in your life by calling them by their rank (unless they're first-name people), not by Mrs.

--allow women to be free to operate in their gifts in the Church, rather than squeezing them all into one mold of "women's ministries," centerpiece-making, and hospitality. (that sentence is in no way meant to degrade women, or men, who are gifted in this way, it is only to say that some women are not created to do that, and thus should be free to do what it is they are created to do.)

--ask her questions and then LISTEN to whatever she says. don't cut her off and place your own opinion above hers, but give her the floor to express herself. humble yourself before her.

--acknowledge that women are one of the most oppressed people groups in the history of the world. don't make derogatory jokes about women, just as you wouldn't joke about the Jews, or Africans, or homosexuals.

--recognize them as the pinnacle of creation: the Lord started with something as simple as light, worked up to the land, then created plants, then moved onto animals, then: man...and then the grand finale, the masterpiece: woman!
(hah: this one is sort of a joke. i don't actually think that women are superior to men, as men are superior to animals)

wait:
forget International Women's Day-- make this a lifestyle.

poor horsie

2007-03-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

so--
we're not going to see revival until we're holy.
we're not going to be intimate with the Lord until we're holy.
we're not going to see the end of injustice and suffering until we're holy.

i'm sure that i've beat that dead horse into the ground.

but it is undeniably important. the most important thing on this earth.

once the Church is holy, these things will happen:

1. we will be able to ascend the hill of the Lord (see Psalm 15). we will be able to stand in His presence, and we will know Him deeply.

2. we will thus be filled with such a divine love that we will be spurred into doing good-- we will fight for the vulnerable, we will remember the needy.

3. we will begin to see people cross from death to life, by the power of God Almighty. He will trust us enough to lavish His power on us, and we will see healings, wonders, mass repentance, and prophecies.

holiness is the solution to every problem.
it's the most important thing in the world.
this message is so urgent, i don't know how to move on from it.

your holiness doesn't only affect you, it affects everyone.
it's not a choice.

"Without holiness, no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)

unless we are holy, no one will see the Lord. unless we surrender our selfishness, our pride, our future, and allow Him to take all of us-- the world will be lost. they won't see Him until we are holy.

please. seek the Lord, and beg Him to sanctify you.

what's the verdict?

2007-03-06T02:11:00.000-05:00

i meant it

2007-03-05T20:32:00.000-05:00

does anyone recall my top two motivations for holiness?

(heh, i talk like i'm Rick Warren or Bill Wilson or some other famous author whose brilliant ideas one etches on their mind permanently)

well-- i can't stop thinking about them!

for a while now i've been wrestling with the Lord through my thoughts on evangelism.

first there was:

"why doesn't God reveal Himself to the whole world so that they fall in love with Him and turn from their sins? if He really wants 'no one perish, but everyone to come to repentance,' then why doesn't He show them some miracle so that they will choose Him? maybe He doesn't want everyone to be saved..."

that was a harsh season.

then my thoughts turned more like:

"He just needs faithful servants. we're a bunch of lazy soldiers-- He wants to save everyone, but He needs us to cooperate with Him in His work. people aren't getting saved, not because of His willingness, but because of our unwillingness. He wants the whole world saved, but if we wanted it to happen, then we'd do something about it, and it would happen."

this was, perhaps, a more accurate train of thought.

so i prayed that God would make me a faithful worker in His harvest field. and i repented of my slothful, selfish ways.

(i'm summarizing this all very tidily, but mind you, this whole thought process took about 2 years)

a few nights ago i had a good chat with Rob, in which i was totally venting all my frustrations with evangelism. i was sharing about how Open Air didn't seem to be working, how i spend hours "building relationships," and see very little transformation. i was questioning why we don't see mass repentance at the Open Air meeting like we used to. is it because we don't actually have the Holy Spirit? we're out there, being faithful workers, and He's a faithful God who desires salvation for all, so why isn't it happening?

and this is what he taught me:

what would happen if mass revival happened in my corps?
if one day, while preaching on a street corner, one hundred people (or even 10 for that matter) repented of their sin, put their faith in the blood of Jesus, and began to follow Him, would it be a good thing?
(well of course it would be...but work with me here)
would we be ready for it?
is our family, our community, ready to take anyone else in?

i wonder.

sometimes i think that we couldn't handle massive amounts of converts. we wouldn't know how to disciple them, we'd probably hurt them, we wouldn't know how to use them in their giftings...we wouldn't know what to do with them all.

so perhaps before we see these lonely people put into our family, we need to become a family worth bringing people into. we need to be purged of all uncleanness, gossip, laziness, lust, lack of compassion, etc, before the Lord will be able to trust us with His beloved people.

holiness. solution to every problem.

Lord-- sift us. get rid of the chaff inside of us, so only wheat remains. boil us until all the junk rises up-- then, please get rid of it. discipline us so that we'll be ready for an outpouring.

from praying the Bible this morning:

"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
(Psalm 139:23-24)

que pasa?

2007-03-04T05:04:00.000-05:00

okay...phew...wow...

i just had one of those "moments." you know, one of those encounters with the almighty God that makes you feel that you aren't even worthy to lay face-first in the dirt because He created that. one of those moments when you are weeping so hard that you don't know what to say-- and to even try to wrap your mind around what is going on in your spirit is in vain anyway. one of those moments that will become a landmark in your journey toward paradise. one of those moments that are seemingly impossible to describe to anyone who doesn't know Jesus, and hasn't experienced this combination of Love and holy terror.

actually-- i've had two of these moments in just over 24 hours. what is going on!?

i really have no idea what just happened.

there's this legend-- and his name is Rob Dolby. he and Heather (his bride-- also a legend) are leading the troops in war in Charlotte, North Carolina. they, and their soldiers, are here in Vancouver to visit for a few days.
Rob and Heather are possibly the most popular people in the Downtown East side-- within 614 and without. like i said-- legend. they have mucho (Spanish, you know) authority in the spiritual realm, and massive influence.

after my shift at the shelter tonight, Rob and i went out to do some late-night street combat. street combat is two-by-two, on the streets, intentional evangelism. we walk around and try to get people saved. good times.
one guy told us to "f--- the Salvation Army," (break that off in Jesus' name!), one guy played us a blues song on the guitar (so much soul-- cigarette in the strings and everything), we gave a lady a chocolate bar, we prophesied over a few people, we said hello and offered prayer to many who said "no," and one lady prayed the sinners prayer with us after being seriously broken and confessing some deep hurts that lead to her drug use.
it was important, i believe, but pretty chill on the whole. no mass repentance, no signs and wonders, just lots of love and connections.

when we were done, Rob prayed for me, and imparted to me any spiritual authority he has on these streets in greater measure then what he experienced. he prayed for an outpouring of love in me that would overflow. he encouraged me to press on in the fight, and to remain on the streets.

yet again-- chill. he prayed, i received it, but it didn't seem like a pivotal moment.

we said goodnight, i opened the door to my apartment, and my knees suddenly turned into patellas of metal, and the floor one giant magnet. i didn't really stop to think about kneeling down, i just locked the door behind me and then realized a few seconds later that i was on the floor. a bit awkward, since i didn't even make it up the stairs yet.

and i burst into tears.

this is all connected to all the things i have been blogging about recently-- His grace, my weakness, and desire for holiness.

i want SO badly for the Lord to use me on these streets to minister to His loved friends. i want Him to use me like He has used Rob-- and more, of course. i want to see people saved. deeply.
and it has nothing to do with my own name anymore-- as i knelt with my head to our embarrassingly grimy steps, i felt lower and more pathetic than the dirt wedged up in the corners. i remembered all over again all of the temptations and waverings (totally not a word) that i've been going through these days. i remembered my complete frailty. i remembered how frequently i fail, when i try so hard to be good.
but i felt more motivated than ever to be holy.
because of motivation #2 from my last blog-- effectiveness. i long to see people saved. i love them. by "them," i mean people. i love the world. and i long for their salvation more than anything in this world.
the only thing i long for more is to know the Lord. yet another good reason to be holy. but though i keep on trying, i can't do it on my own.

in this place of utter brokenness, love, desire, humility, dependency, and zeal-- the Lord moved me again to look to His grace.

so...as i prefaced this post by saying-- i'm really not sure what just happened. but it was intense. as i knelt there with my face to the floor, the tears conveniently attracting every speck of dirt, i tried to analyze what on earth i was crying about. and i'm still not entirely sure. but it was good. the Lord was doing something, and i really feel at a bit of a loss as to what. whatever it was, it was deep.

as i sad-- two "moments," recently. i won't describe the first one in depth, i'll just say this: Tara, Heather, and myself in the War Room; Marty Mikles, Running in Circles, track #9 on repeat; complacency to connectedness, to trickling tears, and finally to open wailing.
yet again-- can't analyze it, but it was deep.

Lord-- what are You doing? please-- keep doing it. do what You want.

i'm convinced.

2007-03-01T01:17:00.000-05:00

Top two motivations for holiness:

2.) effectiveness in ministry. when i see the need around me, when i see Christians who need to be discipled, when i see how much work needs to be done, i am motivated to obey the Lord. i can't preach a sermon while i am feeling shameful for how i've been living. i can't minister to a woman on the streets when i'm stuck in sin. that would be hypocrisy-- which is possibly the most hated quality ever.
but i want to be used by the Lord, and i want to see His kingdom come-- so i want to be blameless and pure.

1.) intimacy with the Lord. the conviction and unrest that comes from living in sin makes it unbearable to connect with the Lord. as Michael Collins says, "obedience equals intimacy." when i am obeying Him, it is showing that i love Him, and then i am close to Him in a way that i could never be if i was being disobedient.

my friend, Shaw Coleman, commented on my last post something profound that supports this #1 reason for being clean:

I was musing on this today, and it made me wonder if I'm going about things the wrong way. As in, am I using my relationship with Jesus to make myself 'clean,' just so I can be clean, or am I wanting to become clean so I can have a relationship with God?

One had righteousness as an end in itself, the other has relationship as an end in itself.

I'm guessing what we should strive for is relationship with God, and 'cleanliness' will come as an expression of that.

very interesting.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:8-11

to know Christ is the number one reason to be holy.

ON THE FLIP SIDE
(there always seems to be a flip side...)
this doesn't contradict, it's merely a tension:

i have not made my way into the throne room by doing what is right.
i am only allowed to enter His presence with confidence because of the death of Christ. no other reason.

so i recognize that the real way to know Him and be intimate with Him is by way of the blood of Jesus. i can't make my own way.

but the tension still stands--
when i lived in sin, i couldn't bring myself to meet with Him. He is too perfect, and i felt ashamed, and uneasy because i knew what He wanted me to stop doing. i couldn't meet with Him confidently, because i was convicted.

interesting.

i'm motivated to be holy. those two reason are the reasons i exist-- they motivate me like nothing else.

sufficient.

2007-02-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

His grace seems to be consuming my thoughts these days.

this morning in the War Room i spent some time boasting in my weakness.
i lay on the floor (which was shockingly dirty from that angle) and meditated on my own weakness juxtaposed with His perfection.
this lead to me sharing with Him my deep brokenness.
then it lead me to worship as i reflected on the price He paid to bring me, fragile little me with all my issues, to Himself.
then it led me to a place of trusting-- He covers me. i no longer felt shame for who i am, but i felt safe in Him, my Refuge. and i feel confident that He is healing me and sanctifying me and strengthening me. i trust Him to do this.

"i have not much to offer You
not near what You deserve
but still i come
because Your cross
has placed in me my worth.

Jesus- my King of sympathy
Whose wounds secured my peace
Your grace extends
to call me 'friend,'
Your mercy sets me free

i know i'm weak
i know i'm unworthy
to call upon Your name.
because of Your grace
because of Your mercy
i stand here unashamed.

i can't explain this kind of love
i'm humbled and amazed
that You came down
from Heaven's heights
to greet me face to Face.

Here i am
at Your feet
in my brokenness, complete."

--Starfield.

even my holiness seems so dirty when i look at Him.
but i trust Him.
right now i'm laying, in a johnny, on a metal table with paper on it, waiting for Him to come and do some surgery.
i'm not going to try and fix myself by doing surgery with a blunt stick.
i'm going to allow Him to cut me cleanly with His sharp Words that slice like a razor. i know He works well.

is it possible, in some twisted way, that the Lord could will someone to sin, because He wants to teach them about humility, and dependence on Him?
i know that He can use even the worst of situations, but do you ever wonder if He planned it to happen?

grant it, Lord

2007-02-22T12:45:00.000-05:00

apparently
Olivia
comes from the Scandinavian name
Olga
which means
Holy

what does your name mean?

balance is bull. both is best.

2007-02-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

today i caught myself praying,
"Lord, show us a balance between discipline and grace."

but i had to stop myself and take it back. this is what i'm thinking:
grace and discipline are both divine things, good gifts that the Lord gives us.

i don't want one to balance out the other.
i want to live in fullness of both.

i'm thinking that one does not take away from the other, but that it is possible to live in grace and forgiveness 100% of the time, but to also be 100% disciplined and self-controlled.

so if i'm disciplining myself hardcore, sacrificing all kinds of worldly pleasures, and resisting sin to the point of shedding blood, there might not necessarily be a need for someone to remind me, "grace." the fact that i'm so self-controlled does not mean that i am ungracious. perhaps the one reminding me is more accurately bringing to my mind, "laziness."

at the other end of the spectrum, if i am eternally forgiving, and never get under condemnation for mistakes, it doesn't necessarily mean that i need people to constantly remind me, "discipline." maybe all that i hear when they say that is, "legalism."

personally-- i tend toward discipline, but i struggle with grace.
the Lord is teaching me heaps about receiving His forgiveness, and not depending on my own goodness, but only on His.

still--
in this journey of learning about grace, i don't want to sacrifice an ounce of discipline. it is not going to be one or the other.

i am grateful that He is constantly reminding me of His compassion and His unfailing love. but i will not go back on my duties.

if you find that you struggle with legalism-- the answer is not removing disciplines from your life-- the answer is revelation of His grace.
if you find that you struggle with laziness-- the answer is not bogging yourself down with a burden of trying to save your own soul-- the answer is self-control.

does this all make sense to you?

this is all coming out of a place of brokenness in my own life. i am pressing in to greater self-discipline-- and concurrently the Lord is teaching me to receive His forgiveness. it's a surefire combination.

2007-02-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

A PRAYER FOR A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD

God of Creation, redemption, and reconciliation.

You call us to live together in peace.

Your Word speaks of reconciliation.

Your Spirit brings justice.

Look upon us and judge what we have done with our stewardship.

Witness the burned houses,

meth labs,

crack houses,

drug dealers,

slumlords,

and prostitutes.

See the emptiness and false promises,

the alienation and despair,

injustice and oppressions,

that bring these tragedies among us.

Hear the gunfire that breaks the peace!

How many lives are swallowed up in these tragedies!

How much pain and how much sorrow do they cause!

Heal this place, God of mercy and forgiveness.

Send your love and grace upon all

prostitutes,

drug dealers,

slumlords,

loan sharks,

bankers,

lawyers,

politicians.

Bring them to conversion of heart and life.

Cause those who are responsible to cease from their oppressions,

stop their crimes, and to keep the peace in our neighborhoods.

Fill the emptiness that is the source of these sorrows,

with love, peace, mercy, and justice.

Give us courage, so that we may show them of your love,

Teach us to respect all people as human beings,

not forgetting all

prostitutes,

drug dealers,

slumlords,

loan sharks,

bankers,

lawyers, and

politicians.

These blessings we ask,

in the name of the One who became poverty,

who will judge the deeds of all humanity,

on that great day when justice reigns

in every neighborhood,

on every street,

and among all nations.

Amen.

PRAYER FOR THE POOR

Who is Jesus to me?

Jesus is the Word - made Flesh.

Jesus is the Bread - of Life.

Jesus is the Victim - offered for our sins on the Cross.

Jesus is the Sacrifice for the sins of the world - and mine.

Jesus is the Word - to be spoken.

Jesus is the Truth - to be told.

Jesus is the Way - to be walked.

Jesus is the Light - to be lit.

Jesus is the Life - to be loved.

Jesus is the Joy - to be shared.

Jesus is the Sacrifice - to be given.

Jesus is the Bread of Life - to be eaten.

Jesus is the Hungry - to be fed.

Jesus is the Thirsty - to be satiated.

Jesus is the Naked - to be clothed.

Jesus is the Homeless - to be taken in.

Jesus is the Sick - to be healed.

Jesus is the Lonely - to be loved.

Jesus is the Unwanted - to be wanted.

Jesus is the Leper - to wash his wounds.

Jesus is the Beggar - to give him a smile.

Jesus is the Drunkard - to listen to him.

Jesus is the Little One - to embrace him.

Jesus is the Dumb - to speak to him.

Jesus is the Crippled - to walk with him.

Jesus is the Drug Addict - to befriend him.

Jesus is the Prostitute - to remove from danger and befriend her.

Jesus is the Prisoner - to be visited.

Jesus is the Old - to be served.

To me Jesus is my God,

Jesus is my Spouse,

Jesus is my Life,

Jesus is my only Love,

Jesus is my All in All,

Jesus is my Everything.

Amen.

(By Mother Teresa of Calcutta.)

is that You?

2007-02-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

i haven't blogged in almost a week! unheard of...

i'm not sure whether or not you have all heard the tragic/wonderful news: Captain Danielle Strickland and Captain Stephen Court are being sent to Melbourne, Australia to continue the fight there.
they have sweet appointements which seem custom made for them:
Danielle-- Justice lady (i'm sure that's not the official title).
Stephen-- Mr. Education (again, unofficial).

i'm very glad for Australia, and i'm very glad for them-- they are blessed in their coming and in their going, and they are going from strength to strength to strength and from glory to glory to glory.
they're not stepping down-- they're getting a larger sphere of influence, and they will bless and be blessed as they fight in the Army in the Southern Hemisphere.

but...sigh...i'm really going to miss them.

cool story:
my squad leader came to squad on Monday and said, "guys, i'm feeling really heavy, can you pray for me?"
we didn't know why he was feeling this way, so we prayed a couple generic prayers and tried to listen to the Lord for guidance as to how to approach whatever was going on inside of him, which was a mystery to us.
we asked him why he was so sad, and he said that he couldn't tell us.
so we just kept praying (mostly in silence).

as we were awkwardly watching him cry and struggle, without knowing what he needed, i suddenly felt-- "Stephen and Danielle are moving." i'm guessing that it was the Lord answering me when i asked Him, "what's going on?"

so then i started crying. the other people there probably thought that i was emphathizing strongly with him...but honestly...i just felt really sad that they were leaving.

well-- i was right. they are. sigh.
i'm mournful about their coming departure-- but isn't that cool that i heard from God? wow! we can hear His voice! i shouldn't be shocked by this anymore, but somehow, whenever we hear His voice it still makes my heart leap.

bless you Stephen, Danielle and Zion. we've got your backs.

my "children"

2007-02-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

every Friday from noon until 1pm, the War College soldiers sacrifice their lunch, and do an Open Air meeting instead. generally this consists of singing and preaching-- these days, however, we've decided to get a bit more creative, and explore new ways to preach.

for example, today the Warriors armed themselves with sidewalk chalk, and invaded alleys, Pigeon Park, and the sidewalk outside of the No. 5 showroom pub (a well-known hive of degradation).

they asked the Lord to tell them what He wanted them to write. and then they wrote it. and drew it. all over. prophetic graffiti.

i found it overwhelmingly powerful. walking down rock alley (aptly nicknamed) and seeing "FREEDOM!' etched on the wall with a picture of broken chains. or walking toward Pigeon Park and seeing "HOPE" in bold letters above previously painted profanities.

i took dozens of pics, but here are a few of my favorites to capture the mood for you:

it led to conversation...naturally...only one of which was hostile.
Matt Armstrong was writing 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a on the sidewalk directly in front of the No.5 doors...it was only a matter of time before a very displeased manager-type-man came out, told him to leave, and quickly returned with a bucket of water to wash away the words.
Matt moved down a few meters and started again.

Christian vandalism-- totally washable. gotta love it.

ready? set? then go.

2007-02-01T19:10:00.000-05:00

i've said it before, and i say it again:

Jesus is returning soon.

7Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
8Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear."
(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)
Revelation 19:7-8

okay-- He's coming again, and we need to be ready.

how do we get ourselves ready?
wearing fine linen, so it seems.
fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints (that's us).

righteous acts. hm.

one comrade who is fighting with me here in the Downtown Eastside, recently did his masters thesis on the word, "righteous."
so i asked him what he thinks this Scripture means.

i always took it as a holiness verse (i like to take every verse as a holiness verse!), and said that to get ready for Jesus' return, we must be righteous. we need to stop sinning, and do good. that's how i interpreted it.

he knows a lot about the word righteous, however.

apparently the righteous act we do is this:
declare our allegiance to the Kingdom of God.

this is, basically, salvation. it's saying, "i am Yours, i will remain faithful to You and Your kingdom, if i get shot in the head, if i get abandoned, whatever comes. i declare my allegiance to You."

so-- declare your allegiance to Him. come what may.
(back to the Moulin Rouge allusions)

this is how you can get yourself ready. and how we can get them ready.

"i wanna be ready,
i wanna be ready,
i wanna be ready, Lord
ready to put on my long white robe."

oh that song looks so silly when i type it out, but it's actually a powerful negro-spiritual, danced out with tears and passion by Alvin Ailey dance company (my favorite choreographer).

cries of my heart:
--"come, Lord Jesus."
--"i must know You."
--"make us ready."

the Epistles

2007-01-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

this is debatable, but i think Paul has two main points in all of his writings:

1.) be holy
y'all already know how strongly i feel about this one.

and

2.) we are no longer under the law, but under grace.

my thoughts:
if we're not under the law anymore,
then why do we try to use Pauls letters like a new law?

love is all you need...but what KIND?

2007-01-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

Quality Time: 11
Physical Touch: 8
Words of Affirmation: 8
Acts of Service: 2
Receiving Gifts: 0

these are my results for my "love language."
apparently i give and receive love primarily through quality time.
and apparently i never give gifts, nor do i care to receive them. :o)

i wasn't at all surprised by my results. mmhmm.
this test got me right. of course. because i already knew what i like before i took it.

kind of like spiritual gifts tests.

#1. do you speak in tongues.
a.) yes
b.) no
if you checked a.-- you have the gift of tongues!

#2. have you ever healed anyone?
a.) no
b.) yes
if you checked b.-- you have the gift of healing!

so if you're really interested in knowing what your spiritual gifts are, then i recommend being involved in community where you are free to use them-- they'll come. then you can take a test to make sure you're right ;o)

and if you really want to know what your "love language" is, though i'm sure that you already know, you can take this test--
this test

until then-- spend lots of time with me. and tell me i'm wonderful and hug me. and sometimes help me out. and i'll do the same for you-- just don't be expecting any expensive gifts any time soon.

2007-01-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

ew. i'm really sick.

p.s. Jesus is returning soon. be ready.

more from pray the Bible

2007-01-24T17:53:00.000-05:00

Ezekiel 33

7 "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. 8 When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 9 But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.
(Olivia's comments:
this was a Word that William Booth prophesied over the Salvation Army. we are appointed as watchmen-- if we don't warn people to repent, and then they die in their sins, we will be held accountable for their sin. eek.)

12 "Therefore, son of man, say to your countrymen, 'The righteousness of the righteous man will not save him when he disobeys, and the wickedness of the wicked man will not cause him to fall when he turns from it. The righteous man, if he sins, will not be allowed to live because of his former righteousness.' 13 If I tell the righteous man that he will surely live, but then he trusts in his righteousness and does evil, none of the righteous things he has done will be remembered; he will die for the evil he has done. 14 And if I say to the wicked man, 'You will surely die,' but he then turns away from his sin and does what is just and right- 15 if he gives back what he took in pledge for a loan, returns what he has stolen, follows the decrees that give life, and does no evil, he will surely live; he will not die. 16 None of the sins he has committed will be remembered against him. He has done what is just and right; he will surely live.
(Olivia's comments:
the Salvation Army will not be preserved for its former righteousness, if it continues in sin. but, it also is a Word of hope-- we won't be judged for our wickedness if we repent. it's not about the past, whether good or bad.)

Ezekiel 34

1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? 3 You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. 4 You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. 5 So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. 6 My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.
7 " 'Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD : 8 As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, 9 therefore, O shepherds, hear the word of the LORD : 10 This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.
(Olivia's comments:
the "shepherds" of the Salvation Army are also held accountable for the flock. it's a grave sin for a shepherd to only feed herself and not her flock. it is also a grave sin to neglect the weak, and lost sheep)

11 " 'For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. 12 As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. 13 I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. 14 I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. 15 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. 16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.
(Olivia's comments:
hallelujah!)

17 " 'As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. 18 Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? 19 Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

20 " 'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. 21 Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, 22 I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another. 23 I will place over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he will tend them; he will tend them and be their shepherd. 24 I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David will be prince among them. I the LORD have spoken.
(Olivia's comments:
it's easy to pick on the shepherds. but if you're a "fat sheep" then you're in trouble as well-- for pushing the lean sheep out of the way. hm.)

free at last?

2007-01-23T16:58:00.000-05:00

"Revivalist Charles_Finney was the Billy Graham of the 1800s.
When you came down the aisle and accepted Jesus as your personal savior at a Finney revival, he took you in the back room, where there were two tables, one table to sign up for the anti-slavery movement and the other for the feminist movement.
When they took you in the back room, they didn’t give you a Gospel of John. You had to sign up for what he believed God was doing in the world at that time. And at that time, he saw that the great movements of God were the abolition of slavery and the liberation of women from their servitude."
taken from "Let the Women Preach" by Tony Campolo

ought we still sign up for the anti-slavery movement, and the feminist movement?
yes.

slavery of today-- prostitution and human trafficking.
anti-feminism today-- the sex-trade, domestic violence.
but one could argue that the majority of anti-feminism, at least in the Western World, is found in the Church. hate to say it.

so, i'll take after Finney.
if you're a believer, please, sign up to join the great movements of God: the abolition of slavery, and the liberation of women.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

til the day i die

2007-01-22T22:57:00.000-05:00

every Monday morning i lead the War College in praying the Bible, out loud, to God, for 30 minutes. the Lord continually blesses this time.
as i was preparing, i kept hearing the Lord say the word, "remnant."

so we prayed for the remnant, and that we would be the remnant, in the Army today.

there are some good verses about remnant in the Bible:

Isaiah 1:9
"Unless the LORD Almighty had left us some survivors, we would have become like Sodom, we would have been like Gomorrah."
Isaiah 10:20-23
In that day the remnant of Israel, the survivors of the house of Jacob, will no longer rely on him who struck them down but will truly rely on the LORD, the Holy One of Israel. A remnant will return, a remnant of Jacob will return to the Mighty God. Though your people, O Israel, be like the sand by the sea, only a remnant will return. Destruction has been decreed, overwhelming and righteous. The Lord, the LORD Almighty, will carry out the destruction decreed upon the whole land.
Isaiah 37:4b
Therefore pray for the remnant that still survives.
Jeremiah 23:3-4
"I myself will gather the remnant of my flock out of all the countries where I have driven them and will bring them back to their pasture, where they will be fruitful and increase in number. I will place shepherds over them who will tend them, and they will no longer be afraid or terrified, nor will any be missing," declares the LORD.
Micah 7:18
Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.

okay, so that was a lot to throw at you, but read what you like.

basically, there have been quite a few prophecies about the Salvation Army thrown out there recently. Here are two of my faves:

Major Janet Munn heard the Lord say, "the Salvation Army is coming into its finest hour."
and Captain Andrew Bale, heard a lengthy prophecy, based on Isaiah 1 (i blogged it a few days ago if you're interested to read more), the gist of which is: Salvation Army, repent and be cleansed. I, the Lord, will keep a remnant of Salvationists who will be faithful to me.

and there are many more prophecies not mentioned here.

i do believe that the Lord is beginning to do something in the Salvation Army.
i'm not quite sure what it's going to look like.
but i know that He'll only do it if we repent from our sin, humble ourselves, and pray.

Lord grant it that i may be in the emerging remnant of Salvationists who will be a part of this great move of God.

the world for Jesus.

she loved me as herself.

2007-01-21T18:33:00.000-05:00

last night on my way back from work a met a girl.

she was walking down the sidewalk in front of our house, crying.

i asked her "what's wrong?"
she responded, "i lost a family."

i'm still not sure what she meant.
so, as we walked along, i just replied, "mm."

she looked at me and said, "do you do drugs?"
"no"
"what, did you just get out of jail or something?"
"no, i was just working at the shelter." (though some do get the Haven and jail confused)

this may seem silly, but i was a little thrilled that she thought i might be a drug user and a felon. sometimes i feel hurt when my neighbors tell me that i don't belong in their community, but i should move to the West End. the East side is my home, and i don't like it when people think that i don't fit in, and that i should leave.
but she saw me as one of her neighbors, and not a foreigner! yay!

she didn't ask me for money or anything, she just chatted with me, her neighbor. as she left, i handed her a sweatshirt, and she seemed so confused by the gift. i was unbelievably happy that she was interested in talking with me, not because she was expecting a gift, but because she just wanted to talk.

she walked away and continued crying.
she lost a family. i hope she gets grafted into mine.

finest hour.

2007-01-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

read Andrew Bales blog:
http://www.beyondthebrook.blogspot.com

read it on your knees.

grant it that we may be in the remnant.

rich.

2007-01-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

first of all,

knee drill last night was slammin. moved slowly from the fear of the Lord to the joy of the Lord. good times indeed.

secondly,

in one of my teen cells on Wednesday, we had a long, and rather in depth, holiness chat. we don't usually go that deep, believe me! but we brought forward the verses from 1 John 3, and particularly these verses:

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." 1 John 3:6

"No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. " 1 John 3:9

we struggled through the verses with the teens.

we allowed this tension to remain: it is impossible to stop sinning, but God commands it. if He commands it, He must make it possible, otherwise He'd have to punish us for not doing something that isn't even possible to do!
it would be like if our parents told us that if we didn't jump over our house then we would be grounded. how mean is that?!
but we know that God isn't mean. so there is a tension. we let it sit.

we all agreed that our experience does not match up with these verses.
but then we agreed that we shouldn't water down the Scriptures to match our experience...rather we should pull up our experience to match the Scripture.
if our experience and the Bible don't match up, it is our experience that is wrong.

i had never seen these guys struggle with a verse so much. it was great! they actually listened to what the Word said, and that's why it messed them up so much.

"Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?" Jeremiah 23:29
"The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars; the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon." Psalm 29:5
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

When He speaks it's like fire, a hammer that breaks rocks, a double edged sword...His voice is powerful enough to break cedars. just His voice. woah.
praise Him, i believe He spoke on Wednesday night. He burned some uncomfortable places in the teens. He smashed some mindsets they previously had. He broke into pieces some sin that they had settled into. and He penetrated, and cut deep inside.
so they won't be the same. because God spoke, not just their silly leaders.

thirdly,
these lyrics are stellar:
"I've paid my vows-- no turning around.
i've burned my bridges, they can't be found
i am Yours."
it's about covenant, surrender, and that huge leap from giving 99% of your life to the Lord, to giving 100%.
nice.

extended rations, skipped pray the Bible...whoops.

2007-01-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

i am relatively vulnerable on my blog.
i'm even more vulnerable in my journal.
but there are some things that even my blog and my journal never see.

my blog saw the quote i posted yesterday.
my journal saw that same quote, and a fiery entry to go along with it.

but only the Lord and the bed bugs saw me put down my journal, collapse on my pillow and weep over how much i hate sin.

only the Lord and the mice saw me tremulously and frantically put on my shoes and coat, and head out the door to an undecided location, where i would finally be alone.

only the Lord and the sparrows saw me sitting on the icy dock at Crab Park, where i finally engaged my vocal chords. i sobbed. i shouted my prayers.

even the bed bugs, mice, and sparrows had no idea what was going on in my heart. only the Lord did.

i told the Lord how confused i was. i felt like there was a MASSIVE conflict inside of me, but that Handbook of Doctrine quote made me think that perhaps i wasn't sanctified.

while i don't consider my journal or my blog to be creatures, like the bed bugs, mice and sparrows (though the pig on my journal could confuse you...), my blog readers, and my journal (whom i love to personify) also will never understand fully what is going on in my heart. only the Lord.

back to the story:
i emailed captain Court and asked him to explain this quote to me, because i didn't know if it was true or not. praise the Lord-- he clarified very well. if you're curious to understand it deeper, then you should read his blog entry yesterday: armybarmy

so, hallelujah, i feel much better now.
i recognize that my tears were not present because i keep on sinning and i feel bad about it.
my tears were present because i was tempted to sin, but i hate sin with such violence that i fought the enemy hard and refused to give in.

it was all a good thing. phew.

so you may not be the Lord, my journal, or even the vermin in my house, but now at least you know my life a little bit. i hate sin.

S.A. HANDBOOK OF DOCTRINE, 1940

2007-01-16T15:47:00.000-05:00

.
"The sanctified soul has no enemies within, but has a fierce conflict without."

"Love lifts us up where we belong..."

2007-01-13T02:00:00.000-05:00

i'm safe back "home" in Vancouver. what is my home, anyway? New York? surely not. Maine? i don't think so. Vancouver? i don't know. it's easier not to choose, and just to say, "i'm a citizen of Heaven." anyway, i'm back in Vancouver, where i happen to reside right now. hm.

i've been awake now for close to 24 hours. woohoo!!

this exhaustion--combination of jet lag, an early flight, and general silliness-- was not a healthy state in which to watch "Moulin Rouge."
i'd never seen it before, and i'd only heard dodgy things about it, like the fact that it's set in a brothel. but, oh man. it was scintillating. visually creative, musically excellent, and full of passion and depth. i don't think i've ever wept so much over a movie! (except maybe the Passion...but there's really no comparison)

i'm not sure if you're aware, but the faithfulness of the Lord is something that gets me every time. i don't even fully understand it, and i doubt i can put it into words...but it's there. anything to do with covenant, His jealousy, the book of Hosea...wow. even thinking about it as i type brings tears to my eyes and causes my throat to close up. every song i write is about this same thing-- His faithful love for us.
He never leaves us. we might go out and prostitute ourselves, but He draws us back again, wipes off our makeup, and speaks tenderly to us.

He keeps His covenant of love to us. we broke our covenant with Him. but He doesn't want us to have to experience the punishments that go along with breaking covenant. so He became one of us, and kept our part of the covenant. He kept His part perfectly, and then when we failed, He kept our part perfectly for us. thank You, Jesus.
if you humble yourself, and can see how you have failed your part, and how He has never failed-- you can restore your covenant with Him! reconciliation--yay!
thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love, which covers over a multitude of wrongs. we need You.

ANYWAY--
(sometimes i tangent like Paul did)
Moulin Rouge meant so much to me because it's all about faithful love. she gives herself to all kinds of men, in order to get what she wants...and he is torn apart by jealousy. he never gives up on her though...sigh...he promises to always love her.

i wept and wept and wept and wept...
my usual weeping buddy, Kirsten, had eyes as dry as...something really dry :o)
and Darren Hailes was no help in the weeping department either.

maybe, next time, i'll watch it after a full nights sleep, with people who understand my ridiculous emotions.
and, maybe, next time, i'll blog when my sentences make sense, and when my eyelids don't feel like marble.

goodnight

yo hablo espanol.

2007-01-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

i feel a bit at a loss for what to write about-- life is fast-paced, and exciting, and when i pause to blog about it, so many thoughts run through my mind and it's hard to squeeze them out my fingers in a clear and concise format. that's why i ramble :o)

i am in San Juan, Puerto Rico right now. b-e-a-utiful. my Vancouver-saturated-self is soaking up as much sun and warmth as it can. it's nice not to have wet shoes and pant legs for a few days.
i think that the most beautiful part of San Juan is La Perla. it's a small slum community on the outskirts of Old San Juan, right on the coast. apparently the government is trying to pay La Perla citzens big bucks to move, because it's smack dab in the middle of tourist heaven. they think it's an eye sore. but i thought it was beautiful...because it's real. i can only deal with so much idyllic scenery, so many shops and starbucks and ancient ruins, before i get bored. those shacks however...i could have walked through there for days.
La Perla means "The Pearl," ironically.
to the human eye, this place has nothing in commmon with a pristine, valuable, sparkling white pearl. but-- "the Kingdom of God is like a pearl..." (Matthew 13).
614 La Perla? i'm in.

yesterday i took a trip to St. Thomas. i think that it was the most beautiful place i have ever been in my entire life. literally. aqua blue water, flowers everywhere, high mountains, Tommy Hilfiger stores (meh), cruise ships, Caribbean music (i dug that). it was a lovely trip. when i arrived they said, "welcome to Paradise!"

i met a 5 year old boy who is holy.
when he was introduced to me, they said, "he is a very good boy. he never does anything bad. his heart is pure."
hallelujah. this supports Brengle when he says-- "holiness is not maturity, but purity." it also supports our Salvation Army Doctrine # 10 when it says "We believe that it is the privelege of all believers to be wholly sanctified, and that their whole spirits, souls and bodies may be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."
all believers. even a 5 year old.

the Uprising: a holy revolution? is complete.
it's being edited, and i'm working on a discussion guide after every chapter.

and we're working on a package deal: a division buys books for all of their Youth Councils delegates, and Stephen or i will come out and either preach or do a workshop.
deal? good! just let us know.

what's next, Lord?

2007-01-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

i hesitate to blog again, because i want everyone to listen to the clip that i posted on January 1st. if you haven't yet, listen to it now.

This photo is a treasure that my father recently showed me--
it is my grandfather preaching at an open air decades ago.

isn't that a stellar picture? high collar tunic, finger pointed heavenward, crowd gathered...it's classic.

i love the history of the Salvation Army.
but even more, i love what the Lord is beginning to do, and what He is going to do, in the Salvation Army.

previously this week my mom said something which i promptly declared "bloggable."
so here i am, making the bloggable into the blogged:

my mother hears from God, as we all can. what makes her a rare breed is that she listens to, and believes, what He says.

she heard Him say this-- "the Salvation Army is coming into its finest hour."

this is HUGE. colossal. paramount.

i was struck by this simply because the Army has had so many fine hours. and the majority of them were over a century ago. my heart deeply desires to see the Salvation Army return to its roots, and move and serve and grow just like we used to.
HOWEVER--
i believe what my mother said was indeed from the Lord.

i honor the past, BUT-- i look forward to the new things that the Lord is going to do among us.
He is alive.
He is moving.
He is a warrior.
and He is advancing.
He is not done with the Salvation Army. our great movement is coming into its finest hour.

i have hope, then.
i hope in the Lord. and i hope in an uprising (i'm not trying to promote anything by saying that!)that is about to begin. i'm in.

p.s. here is a photo of me found on the Urbana website.
clearly i was oblivious to the picture being taken.
this was the communion service on New Year's Eve-- i chose to abstain from the blessing of communion, because i'm still not sure of my view on the whole matter. but that didn't stop me from meditating on the suffering and sacrifice of Christ.

urbana.

2007-01-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

wonderful time-- got to reconnect with old friends, promote the war college (something i do already as if i were getting paid for it), and worship with more than 22,000 believers.

good times. a lot of deep stuff went down. hundreds got saved. thousands rededicated, and surrendered. thousands more received clarity about how the Lord wants to use them.

do you feel that you are not being used by God, and does that frustrate you?
i did for years.
check this out:

The Man God Uses By Commissioner Samuel Logan Brengle

A while ago I was talking with a Christian merchant who expressed a great and important truth. He said: "People are crying to God to use them, but He cannot. They are not given up to Him; they are not humble and teachable and holy. There are plenty of people who come to me and want work in my store, but I cannot use them; they are not fit for my work. When I must have someone, I have to go and advertise, and sometimes spend days in trying to find a man who will fit into the place I want him for, and then I have to try him and prove him to know whether he will suit me or not."

The fact is, God is using everybody that He can, and using them to the full extent of their fitness for His service. So, instead of praying so much to be used, people should search themselves to know whether they are usable.

God cannot use anybody and everybody who comes along any more than the merchant could. It is only those who are "sanctified, and meet for the Master's use, and prepared unto every good work" (2 Tim. ii. 21) that He can bless with great usefulness.
God wants men and women, and He is hunting for them everywhere; but, like the merchant, He has to pass by hundreds before He finds the right individuals. The Bible says: "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward Him" (2 Chron. xvi. 9).

Oh, how God wants to use you! But before you ask Him again to do so, see to it that your heart is "perfect toward Him." Then you may depend upon it that God will show Himself strong in your behalf. Glory to His dear, dear name!

here is the highlight of my time in Urbana:

http://www.urbana.org/u2006.mediaplayer.pop.cfm?clip=214

every time this guy rapped i found myself in tears. something deep within me resonated with his words. he's got something rare, and beautiful, and it made me weep.

perfection

2006-12-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

i'm finally beginning to understand the distinction between blameless and faultless.

because of the blood of Jesus which took away my sin, i am now blameless. hallelujah.
but i'm not faultless. cuz i'm human.

i tend to resent the phrase "no one is perfect," because it seems anti-holiness to me. it always sounded to me like people were making excuses for their sin.

but today i have learned that, while my sinful nature is crucified, my human nature is still alive and kickin. good thing...otherwise, well, i'd be dead. i learned today that i'm still very faulty. i still make mistakes-- even if not direct sin and rebellion. i learned today that no one is perfect. sigh...

here's how i messed up:
1) fell asleep for a few minutes while praying.
2) typed an incorrect number in the ATM which makes my balance look bigger than it is.
3) hurt a guys feelings when i turned down his offer of going out to dinner-- i probably was too abrupt.
4) i booked a guy out of the Haven shelter, and gave his bed away, after having told him that he was set for the next 10 days. now he has no place to sleep, even though he should have one.

i've certainly made a few mistakes.
but after the last aberration (the worst of all-- because it cost someone else), i got really down on myself, and began to question, if perhaps i've not been made holy after all.

praise the Lord-- He's teaching me about grace. upon reflection of my mistakes, i realized that none of them fall under Wesley's definition of "sin properly-so-called"-- a voluntary transgression of a known law of God. so, i can't get under condemnation for these errors-- they weren't intentional, and they weren't my heart. i just made some mistakes. and that's okay. no one's perfect :o)

i'm so glad that He is gracious to me.

guess what!!
tomorrow morning i'm hopping on a aeroplane and getting out of here. oh man, a break will be lovely.
i'm going to Urbana Missions Fest (over 25,000 people!) and helping to man a Salvation Army booth,
then i'm going to New York to see my parents (wahoo!)
and then i'm going to Puerto Rico...to lay on the beach. yesss.....

since i don't necessarily practice a weekly sabbath, every six months or so, two weeks off is good enough.

people get ready

2006-12-23T11:21:00.000-05:00

a regular day for me this week has been, and will be--

5am-8am War Room Shift
10am-2pm Kettle Shift
4pm-12pm Work
and then it all begins again.

so i've not had much quality time with my pillow.

but i've had some CRAZY good War Room shifts! oh man! i have no theology to back this up, but in my experience, the harder the hours, and the more costly it is to get up and pray, the bigger the blessing.

today was as intense as ever.

He gave me a deep sense of urgency. check this song out:

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/worshipmusic/fm038-06.mp3

if you can't listen to it, then here are some of the words:

"time. time. is ticking by.
and i can feel an explosion inside
as in the days of Noah.

'what a fool,' they say,
'to build a boat on the sand,
what a fool,' they say.
' it's never rained before!'

but time. time. is ticking by.
and i can feel an explosion inside
as in the days of Noah.

people get ready
Jesus is coming

'what a fool,' they say,
'to fast and pray,
it's been two thousand years,
let's get real,
do you really think He's coming?
what a fool,' they say,
'it's never rained before...'

'...rain, rain go away,
hide me from the wrath of the Lamb!'

and when the rain starts coming
it's too late."

dude.
i've got no words besides--

JESUS IS COMING.
and all that those words mean.

Listen to this

2006-12-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

Romans 6

1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 7

1Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? 2For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
4So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God. 5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death. 6But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet." 8But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Romans 8

1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, 4in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. 8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. "

i used to get confused about Romans 7, book-ended by Romans 6 and 8. it seemed contradictory.
now it seems to make sense-- Paul is talking about life before he was made holy. he goes on about how he is a slave to his sinful nature, and how he can't even do what is right if he wants to. but the context of chapter 6 baffled me, because chapter 6 is all about freedom from the sinful nature. i wondered if chapter 7 negated all of chapter 6.
but now i read chapter 8--
and i see that it is not all about "no condemnation" for sinners. it's about holiness.
it's about how we used to be slaves to sin, but now we have been set free, and thus have no condemnation. Paul gets it. he gets that we are completely unable to resist sin, unless we are in Jesus Christ, and crucify our sinful natures with Him.

i'm convinced. and i testify-- i could not resist sin either! but that was back when i was still in slavery to my fully functioning sinful nature.
Hallelujah-- no more! i am a slave of God, and of righteousness, and my mind is controlled by the Holy Spirit. wow, He is good. He did not allow me to remain in bondage that was leading me to eternal death-- He set me free! oh, how i love Him.

i urge you-- be freed from slavery to sin. it kills.
allow Him to set you free. be crucified with Him. it's impossible to evade the sin that pulls you into death, while still stuck in slavery.

Hallelujah.

snapshots.

2006-12-14T16:50:00.000-05:00

my beloved brother

women's march in the downtown east sidethe girls and i
Westbrook Bible Bowl circa 2004
Lagos, Nigeria
OOB dancing ladies
mums and pops :o)
awww.....
alley behind re:cre8
me and the bizzoys (we're so young!)
bus in Vancouver

x-woman

2006-12-13T01:09:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel like Rogue from x-men.
whatever Rogue touches dies. she has to keep her skin covered at all times, because if she accidentally touches someone with her bare skin, they'll shrivel up and their veins will pop out, and they'll begin to suffocate.

i feel like her because i seem to be ruining everything i touch.

literally:
i may have single handedly ruined an iPod and a computer at the same time. Kirsten's iPod (a few months ago she deleted all of her photos from her camera...today i deleted all of her songs from her iPod), and Stephen Courts computer. big...deal! huge deal! oh man. that computer probably has years of work on it, and priceless documents.

and figuratively:
i've had two "bosses" mad at me recently for various mistakes that i've made, or duties that i've neglected doing.

bah. the Lord is so gracious to me...hallelujah i need it.

2006-12-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

I renounce and hate materialism in my life
Just to be able to eat more than once a day is more than enough, and a blessing.
Matt 6: 31

I renounce and hate the opinion that to just work in a worldly un-mission focused environment and just sponsor a child is enough
People are dying everywhere and I am privileged enough to have a voice to protest and money to fund this.
Matt 25:25

I renounce and hate self indulgent entertainment that in my privileged position I have been able to have.
Entertainment is not a right, or an option to waste money and time on. When thousands are crying for help I can not and must not be found using the money thatcould save these peoples life's on a pointless trip to a theme park or buying the latest movie.
Matt 25:45-46

I am at war, we are at war! I believe that if I don't pull rank and start fighting I am guilty of a great sin seeing a problem, being able to fix it and not doing anything. this opinion is not open for dispute with anything less than the word of God itself.
Romans 2:5b-14

-- taken from peter footers blog

i might add
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
(1 John 3:17)
and
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.
(Proverbs 21:13)

effeteness at war with efficacy

2006-11-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

this week i have been feeling convicted...

what i have been convicted of could be called by a few names:

1) selfishness
2) being ingrown/inward focused
3) effeteness
4) spiritual masturbation.

i suppose the first two definitions are more self-explanatory than three or four.

effete can be defined as:

1.Depleted of vitality, force, or effectiveness; exhausted.
2.Marked by self-indulgence, triviality, or decadence.
3.Overrefined; effeminate.
4.No longer productive; infertile.

and spiritual masturbation is intimacy and pleasure without any results. it's Christianity for the way that it makes you feel, but not seeing any fruit. as believers in a love relationship with Jesus, we should produce spiritual offspring-- converts.

so i've repented. i've changed a few things in my schedule and behaviors which force me to be on the streets, and evangelizing with more boldness than usual. i'm fed up with not seeing anyone get saved.

however, with this recent lifestyle change, i've been discouraged. i'm trying harder than ever to help revolutionize the world, but i'm not seeing much more fruit. last night i had a crisis when suddenly i sank into discouragement-- i had pleaded with so many people for days, and nothing was working. i want to see people pass from death to life! i want to see mass repentance like you read about.

i used to get mad at God for not changing the Downtown East side. then i had a revelation that He wants metamorphosis more than i do--but He needs faithful workers. so i'm trying to be faithful...but now i'm getting mad at myself for the lack of transformation in my neighborhood.

perhaps i'm depending too much on my own strength and strategies. i'm not sure. whatever the cause for this ineffectiveness, i want to get rid of it.
do you relate?

use me, Lord.
give Your servants great boldness in their preaching; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of Your Holy Servant, Jesus. (Acts 4:29-30)

full.

2006-11-26T02:13:00.000-05:00

last night i led (delegated) the all night of prayer here at 614. eight crazy hours of worship, intercession, praying the Bible, praying the fight songs in the song book, listening prayer, singing, encouragement...lovely time. i believe it was our fifth all night of prayer since i've lived here (is that true?).
one guy i've been trying to get saved for weeks came and stayed for all eight hours. during a prayer walk, i bumped into another guy we know who is saved, but who is struggling quite a bit, and he came back with me as well and stayed for the rest of the night. it was deep community--war college students, strangers, cellmates, sinners--all kinds of people.

come 6am i wasn't even tired cuz i was so pumped. so i went out for breakfast at McDonald's and watched the sunrise. *heavy sigh*...

my tired state did not help me with my wild night at work tonight.

i believe the craziness resulted because of a combination of two factors:
1) welfare Wednesday was this week. people have money, and can spend it and get high...it's a very dark time.
2) it was SNOWING tonight, so everyone wants a bed, of course.
3) it's the weekend. people party on weekends.

probably the most hectic night yet. we had to kick someone out, we had yelling, someone kicked out the back of a chair, someone spat at me...we were threatened...phew.

i just have such sweet times here. life is beautiful. i feel that i'm beginning to see the fruit of labor a bit.
Lord, bring on the harvest! make us faithful workers, please. we're not here to please ourselves, to feel spiritually impressive, to get some experience, or to use some addicts as guinea pigs in our evangelism techniques. nope.
we are here to win the world for Jesus, beginning in the downtown East side of Vancouver. help us, Lord. please convict us of any selfishness, and hearts of stone. may we be in alignment with Your purposes.

hungry for the fullness of Christ

2006-11-24T22:48:00.000-05:00

More on the sevenfold Spirit of God.

Isaiah 11:1-3 (NIV)
A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him--
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of power,
the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord--

this would be a (partial) explanation of the sevenfold Spirit -- as follows:

1. The Spirit of the LORD
2. The Spirit of wisdom
3. [The Spirit] of understanding
4. The Spirit of counsel
5. [The Spirit] of power
6. The Spirit of knowledge
7. [The Spirit] of the fear of the LORD

fascinating, eh? hm...

i'm legal!

2006-11-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

well...

my visa extension came through! hallelujah! and thank you, to all who prayed.

it was flippin easy-- they didn't even question me. praise the Lord.

here's a new interesting theological opinion i heard this week:

the Bible never directly mentions the Trinity-- true enough. but it does mention the seven-fold spirit of God.
is it possible that we have only identified three of the seven spirits of Yahweh?
and, what would the word be: Septinity?

anyway, it surprised me, i had never thought of it before, so i'm throwing it out there. if you don't like it...send it right back. ;o)

follicular homicide

2006-11-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

if you think of it,

please pray for me today, and particularly tomorrow morning.

i'm headed down to Seattle, to the Canadian Consulate, to ask (beg) them to give me an extension on my visa. if this doesn't come through, then i'll have to mail for one. that is supposed to take 2 months to come through, which is more time than i have.

anyway, i could use some FAVOR. i want to slip right through customs and immigration like i have butter on my shoes...aww yeea.

so i cut someones hair last night. if you know me well (mom), you will recall that my experiences of hair styling in the past have been rather...dramatic. and perhaps traumatic.
it wasn't so bad this time! okay, so there is one little spot in the back which is rather bald, but if you pull the rest of the hair over it, you barely even notice.
anyway, i was pretty impressed with my abilities. i think i'm going into the business soon.

of course, hair clearly is not as sacred to me as it is to my hair stylist back in Maine,
"olivia, friends don't let friends cut each others hair!"
(spin off of 'friends don't let friends drive drunk.')

to illustrate my lack of honour for my coif, hear this:

i work in a men's shelter. we had a certain client come in, who was quite hilarious, and rather flamboyant. we chatted for a bit, and he told me that he used to be a hair stylist, and that he would LOOOOVE to cut my hair, because it was SOOOO healthy. so i let him. took off my toque (translation: beanie) in the middle of this shelter, and let him clip away. perhaps i was the first female to ever get a haircut in that building-- i certainly felt out of place.
the whole process took about an hour and a half, and it ended up being...about 4 inches shorter than just a trim. a little piece of me died every time i espied a curl falling to the filthy floor. ;o)

some have commented that i was foolish to let a homeless man cut my hair...but i say i was wise-- it was free. and perhaps incarnational?
sure, the haircut sucks, but i'd rather have a story than perfectly stylized, flowing locks.

upon me

2006-11-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

vital for me to realize--

i am stinkin rich.

even if i'm choosing to live simply and sacrifice some earthly comforts...
i still live in North America, i still have running water from 8 taps in my apartments (wow!), and a roof over my head that i can afford, even if i only worked 2 days a month. not to mention the perk of living in the Downtown East side of Vancouver-- 7 free meals a day (more since i'm a woman), handouts all over the place, and even free heroin if i want it.

even if i move to a remote village in Africa, with no resources, i'll always have the option of hopping on a flight back to New York, where my parents could help me out. i am rich because i have options. the poor cannot get out.

i receive all my rebukes toward the wealthy.

Lord, help me never to think of myself more highly (or lowly) than i ought.