Stop and soak

Today, I want to appreciate my life, as it is, right now.
There are many aspects of my world that will one day change, and I will never be able to go back.

1. Living alone.  I've been living in an apartment, by myself, since 2009. Before you know it I'll be married and someday have children and I'm sure I will long for a quiet place all by myself, cleaned and decorated to my own liking.
God, help me to soak up and appreciate the solitude, even when I feel it's too much.

2. NYC life. New York City is loud and busy and hectic and sometimes rough, but when I leave here I will miss it! As a teenager in Maine all I wanted was to be in a city. Today, sometimes I want to run away to a big house with a big yard.
God, help me to soak up and appreciate Manhattan, even when the cabbies literally deserve to be punched.

3. The Corps. Someday I will move away, and I will miss the people from NY Temple as well as the things that make this corps great! I'm sure I will have new struggles in a new place and this corps will seem like a wonderful past life. NY Temple isn't perfect yet, but I've got to appreciate the beauty it definitely has.
The other side of this is that one day I might not even be a Corps Officer (God forbid!). I hear HQ officers who miss corps life desperately, and I can see why.
God, help me to soak up and appreciate the Corps I am in today, even though it's hard work.

4. My youth. I'm only 26, I'm healthy and energetic, full of optimism and zeal. I have seen enough to know that many people miss being young. I look forward to maturing and growing. But I don't want to miss this fun season either!
God, help me to soak up and appreciate my youth, and not rush it along.

5. The people around me. My co-workers and employees, my neighbors, church family, friends, relatives... some of them will be in my life forever, but life has taught me that some of them won't.
God, help me to soak up and appreciate my relationships, even when people are hard to love.

Thank You for every blessing.

curly girl

Gabriella has the world's brightest smile, and the world's curliest hair.

I met her in the lobby of the corps, and she was a twelve-year-old spitfire.
She was full of energy. "HI!" as she thrust her hand towards me.
Even though I was twice her age, I really appreciated the warm welcome, as I was still feeling new and shy. I admired her exuberance.

I went to see her perform at Music Camp.
Her role in the skit was to hold up a sign.
I knew that she had a lot more in her. We had just met, but I felt irritated that she was given such a small part. Isn't it obvious to everyone that this girl is special?

I'm always biased towards people that I know, even if I don't really know them.

She sat in my windowless office and told me, "yeah, I believe in God, but I'm just not really into Him, you know?  Like I am a Christian but I'm not really passionate about it." Listened.

Gabriella went to TAM Conservatory a year later.
I dropped her off in her Rader Court bedroom, and she commented on the freedom and nerves she was experiencing from the thrill of holding a house key.
We realized that she forgot to bring a pillow.  I went to the awful Suffern Wal-Mart and got her a new one.
When I hugged her goodbye, she didn't want to let go.
I assured her as strongly as I could that she would have a fantastic week.
I knew she would.
I have faith for TAM, and for exuberant 13 year old curly-girls.

When I picked her up, she was all bubbles and stories and songs. As I expected.
I asked her if she grew closer to God that week.
The bubbles stopped and she told me that she wanted to give her testimony the following day in Sunday School. Not in Holiness Meeting, but in Sunday School. I said "of course".

That week she experienced the breaking down of walls that I never knew she had.
She heard the voice of God, and He spoke to her about the things that troubled her more deeply than any of us would have guessed.
"God went from an idea in my head to a real relationship, you know? I hope I don't sound dumb right now, I probably don't make any sense."
NO, Gabby, you make perfect sense. We love it. Keep talking this is beautiful.

She's been smiling less often, but when she does it is still the brightest.

Still believing for Gabriella.
I have faith for the church, and for complicated 14 year old curly-girls.

Off to work

Glen was carrying a briefcase. He walked past me quickly from the chapel into the hallway. The briefcase somehow blinded me, and I assumed he was there on business.
He looked like he was off to work.

Then I remembered that our chapel was locked, and the day was done.

Then I noticed the smell.  I started to wonder what was in the briefcase.

Glen joined us for prayer meeting tonight.
He sat there very politely.
I was just about to say the benediction, when Glen said, "when you are done, can I tell you what God has done for me?"

You can't say no to that!

He proceeded to tell us a lengthy story about his landlord and welfare.
Every single piece of paper that he pulled out of his briefcase was evidence of the tale he told.
He would pull out a rent receipt, hold it up, and slowly rotate so that each person in the circle could clearly see. SLOWLY.

At some point I interrupted. "Okay, thank you for sharing, but we have to go. It's time for Bible study." Off to work!

____________________________________________________________

Rodger is fairly new to the church. He thinks deeply about the Word, but isn't completely convinced that he believes it. He has a lot of questions.
We allow space for questions.

Rodger is only 25, trendy, and urban-slick.

Today was his birthday, and he came to prayer meeting with us, and Glen.

_____________________________________________________________

Rodger showed me up tonight.

After I cut Glen off, I quickly switched gears.

Rodger went up to Glen, extended his hand, and pulled him in for a hug.
"You got keys now, man! God's got your back!"

Meanwhile, I'm already halfway out of the room.

______________________________________________________________

Teach me, Lord, to be patient, kind, and gentle.

Open Chapel Doors

Today the beautiful Salvationists from 14th street went outside to offer prayer to anyone who wanted it. Ages 13 - 75, we gathered together and made a plan:

1) loud music blasting from the open chapel doors
2) a table covered with Bibles, War Crys, pamphlets, pens, and paper
3) 4 large signs: 2 said, "Can we pray 4 u?!" and 2 said, "FREE PRAYER"


While still taping the signs up, a young man named Charlie approaches us and asks, "how long does the prayer take?"
As long as you need it to.
He told us that he didn't know how to pray, but he did say that he thinks his request shouldn't be materialistic. So he asked us to pray for the missing airplane.
I think he's starting prayer from the right place.

Then I met Rain. Rain just came from a job interview, having been out of work for 8 months.
"I need to know God cares about me - not just someone telling me that He does. I need to see it."
Yeah.

Antonio walked up to me in silence, waiting to be invited to speak.
He asked us to pray for his friend's health.
We did.

4 anointed women walked past, on their way to a Heidi Baker event down the block.  They turned the tables on us, of course, and prayed for us.
Words from God.

Carmen and Pilar from Argentina.
They only wanted us to pray for their families in Argentina.
Absolutely.

Nameless passerby told us NOT to pray for Republicans or Putin, because they are causing most of the world's problems. 
Lol.

Jose couldn't speak English, but he wrote his name on a piece of paper for me.
God knows the rest of Jose's story!

Wayne could barely express his request, because it was so heartfelt that I think it physically pained him to speak it out loud.  His mother, Silvia, is suffering from Alzheimer's. My heart burned with him.
Believing with Wayne.

Then I saw Lieutenant Maria Larsen from Denmark, and her father, Ans.
!

The rest of the stories you will have to ask the other evangelists about.
1 hour and done.

It's amazing what can happen beyond open chapel doors.

You pick

"What do you want to eat?"

     "Oh, I don't know. You pick the restaurant."

"Well is there anything you don't like to eat?"

     "Meat. I decided today that I am vegetarian."

So we went to an organic, vegan, paleo, macrobiotic, gluten-free restaurant on the block that I have always wanted to go to, but never dared. Cucumber lemon juice and avocado quinoa.

She's 18, sarcastic, and yet still somehow bubbly.
She's a pre-med student who "knows" that she "thinks" that she wants to be a doctor.
An ESFP with the spiritual gifts of discernment and leadership.
The future is a complete mystery to her.
She takes each day by the horns and runs with it.

I started asking her basic questions about college, work, friends.
Then I started asking her tough ones:

"What do you feel God has called you to do? Do you feel a sense of fulfillment? Do you feel that you are using your gifts to the fullest potential? Where do you hope to be in 5 years?"

Many I-don't-knows.

She started asking me about the path that led me where I am today.
When I was 18, I had some I-don't-knows, but a pretty long list of certainties.
And most of the things that I was certain would happen in my life did not happen.
Many things that I never would have dreamed of happening actually did instead.

So, I chewed my quinoa and remembered, and recognized this woman's wisdom.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

done

It's so important to be okay with yourself.

Today I spent most of my day in meetings, answering emails, and organizing files.
By dinnertime I was irritable, tired, and my back hurt.

If I had spent the day dancing, preaching, and singing...
by dinnertime I would be exuberant, tired, and my back might still hurt.

The Holy Spirit is the One who gave me the desire and the ability to dance, preach, and sing.
The Holy Spirit is also the One who told me that I should become a Salvation Army officer.

Salvation Army officers dance, preach, and sing.
And sit in meetings, answer emails, and organize files.

Do you ever just FEEL like you should only spend all your time doing only what fulfills you?
You know life doesn't work like that, but maybe wonder if it should.

My mother used to ask me: 1) what drains you? 2) what fills you?
Easy! 1) administration, 2) creativity

Some days a calling isn't about personal fulfillment, but about the bigger picture.
Most days I am just unbelievably thankful that God has led me to a vocation that so perfectly aligns with my passions. Today is not my experience most days, but it did make me think.

My calling is to worship Jesus.
Today my worship was in my obedience to the place He has called me to be.

But I doubt I'm ever going to enjoy filing.

Fernando

June 2012
When I first met Fernando, he was the boyfriend of a church girl.
I met him with a look of distrust, as if to silently say, "If you hurt her, I'll kill you."

Fernando wasn't the kind of boyfriend that a church girl's dad wants to see on his daughter's arm.
He had half-dyed hair hanging down into his eyes.
He had a 15 year old effort at a beard.
He wore all black, and his arms were covered in bracelets up to his wrists.
Those bracelets had words on them that I'd rather not repeat, because I'm a church girl too.

Fernando was Heidi's boyfriend, and that was the extent of his identity to us.

July 2012
He kept showing up and sticking around.

August 2012
It didn't take long for me to see Fernando for who he is, not for who he is dating.
He is a sweetheart.
He is a sensitive soul.
He is a fast learner, working on guitar, voice, cooking, Mexican dance, and the Japanese language.
He has a protective mother.
He has about a million little brothers and sisters.
He is the son of an alcoholic catholic.
He will do anything to be helpful to others.

September 2012
We were at the Welcome of Cadets at the Centennial Memorial Temple - an energetic, theatrical, brass-band-infused Salvation Army event, surrounded by flags and uniforms.

I was quietly aching for the gospel to be proclaimed.

"Tell 'em about Jesus!"

It was proclaimed.  Commissioner Israel Gaither preached about the grace we see on the cross of Christ.  He said that our response to the cross is to follow Christ.

That evening, Fernando knelt at the altar to pray.
He was joined by a young Christian man.

As Fernando put it, that night he "sealed the deal" with God.

March 2014
I cannot believe the beautiful work of the Holy Spirit that I get to witness in this guy.

Fernando is a true soldier.
He's fighting a spiritual battle, like the rest of us, but he's actually engaging in the fight.
Every time I see Fernando, he is serving somebody else.
He is the errand runner, the mopper, the box-carrier extraordinaire.
He's fasting and praying for the victims of human trafficking.
The hair is still there, but the bracelets are long gone.

He's following Christ. He's taking up his cross.

Thank You, God, for the chance to witness Your miracles.

the dignity of skin

Humans are so beautiful!

I love that there is a Human in heaven who is advocating for me.

I love that on the throne there is a Man, in the center of the universe, being worshiped forever.

I love that all of humanity was rescued by this one Human.

He dignified Humanity by condescending to become a part of it.

If flesh and bones are honorable enough for Jesus to live in, then they are highly honored - beautiful temples for a beautiful God.

Muscles and blood and hair and skin and sweat and emotions and hormones and sleep and toes...
Jesus had them.
He therefore brought holiness incarnate into each of those places,
like the breath entering the dust in Eden.

My humanity is not longer an excuse for sin. My body is not an unholy burden, but a home for the Living God, to be cared for and fully mobilized.

The dust is now glorious dust.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,

Till I am wholly Thine,

Until this earthly part of me

Glows with Thy fire divine.

Neither

I have this organic love for homeless alcoholics. See yesterday's post for more on that.

I think a lot of Salvationists have an organic love for homeless alcoholics. We are known for our good deeds for the poor, and we welcome the marginalized into our congregations. We are more comfortable around depravity than your average Christian.

A lot of Salvationists are called to the prodigal sons of the world. We rejoice when we read that Jesus hung out with prostitutes and drunkards, because we do too! Yup, we're like Jesus. We want to reach out to the rebels and the sinners.

I guess there are sinners all around us though, too. What about the big brother of the prodigal son? He lived in his father's house the whole time, but he didn't appreciate the house or the father. The older brother was just as lost as the younger.

The older brother represents the religious people who think they are fine, who think they deserve special treatment, but who don't know the Father.

Sometimes those older brothers can feel like our enemies. They are like "the man" or "the system" that we are trying to be free from.

"Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?” “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.”" (Joshua 5:13-14)

So the older brother is just as lost as the younger brother,
and the Lord is on neither our side, nor our enemies' side?

Then we all need grace.

For Alison's Sake

As the sun set on Monday, freezing and orange, I was thankful that the day was nearly done, for Alison's sake. Some days need to end quickly, and as the sun sets a sense of relief arises.

The Monday sun really couldn't set fast enough for Alison's sake.

We were driving from Manhattan to Camden, NJ, my birthplace. "Can anything good come from Camden?" From the best city on earth to perhaps the worst.

The sun was setting on her Manhattan season. Tomorrow the sun would shine on her again, but in Camden. Good things are happening there, against all common sense.

I met Alison on my first Sunday as assistant pastor on 14th st. She was asleep on the front row with a Target bag full of empty beer cans.

Man, she's seen a lot of sunsets.
I've seen a lot of sunsets with her.
Sleeping on the steps of the church, detoxing on the couch, Bible studies, deaths, jobs, tutoring children, boyfriends, girlfriends.  Some days that she would yearn to end quickly, and other days when we wish we could hold the sun on the horizon and not let it drop.

But Monday's sun lingered a little too long. For Alison's sake I literally prayed along I-78 that the sky would turn dark and the day be done.

She made it though! Many tears scattered from 7th avenue, through the Holland Tunnel, and all the way down the NJ coast. She was leaving behind many familiar things.

I knew the house from a block away. Large, lit up, rocking chairs on the porch. Got close enough to read the house number and a tiny, tasteful Salvation Army shield stood next to #2804.

A motherly figure emerged, along with two golden dogs, and embraced Alison. Now we could smell the homemade lasagna and the multiple Yankee candles.

I could almost see the junk of Manhattan fall off Alison. Even though it was late now, a new sun was already beginning to dawn for her.

Her room was so thoughtfully set up - bed made, chocolates on her pillow, shampoos on the dresser, a stack of books nearby, and a big sign that said "HOME".

Good morning, Alison!

You have enjoyed yourself in religion long enough.

Does the surging sea look dark and dangerous? Unquestionably it is so. . . . He who calls to you from the sea, however, knows what it will mean; and knowing, He still beckons you, and bids you come. You must do it. You cannot hold back. You have enjoyed yourself in religion long enough. You have had pleasant feelings, pleasant songs, pleasant meetings, pleasant prospects. There has been much of human happiness, much clapping of hands, and firing of volleys—very much of Heaven on earth. Now, then, go to God, and tell Him you are prepared as far as necessary to turn your back upon it all, and that you are willing to spend the rest of your days grappling with these perishing multitudes, cost you what it may.

(General William Booth)

take that, Death.

Could so much of Heaven step through such wreck and chaos of earth, and not declare its reality?
Could spotless Purity pass so near Uncleanness, and fail to put it to shame?
Could Love so strong meet Spite so cruel, and not reprove it?
Could Light from on high touch Darkness so deep, and not reveal it?
Would it be possible for Truth to stand face to face with Lie, and not condemn it?
Their persecutors cried: "The Christians to the lions!"-- and lived to prove Death cannot destroy Christianity.

General Evangeline Booth

Post Resurrection Sunday (also known as Easter)

The whole concept of God dying is still so shocking to me... I'm barely recovered from Advent season and thinking about the incarnation!
That God became man, I cannot understand. I will never fully grasp the depth to which Jesus was plunging when He put on a body. It wasn't a little task, it was more dramatic than crossing dimensions.
The One who created life itself actually experienced losing His own... this is an even greater dive, and my mind is barely able to contain the thought.

Of COURSE He rose from the dead! As if all the powers of hell could keep God down?

Regarding the Evangeline quote:

Jesus, the embodiment of Love, Life, Purity, Truth, etc, entered earth, and even the grave.
Jesus may have left with scars on His hands and feet,
but you should see the other guy.
Death has been murdered by one encounter with the Light of the world.
And nothing will ever be the same again.

you can have your cake and eat it, too.

Mmmm yea, I haven't blogged much this week. Oops.

...

And in closing:

It's possible to be righteous, zealous, holy, and crazy-in-love-with-Jesus,
while also being relevant and non-judgmental.

Righteousness and relevancy-- you can have 'em both!

Relevancy does not need to equal compromise,
and righteousness does not need to equal snobbery.

Don't confuse holiness with religion.

I have decided

Learn a lesson from Lot's wife:

Never look back and long for something that God saved you from.

Learn a lesson from Jesus:

"No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." Lk 9:62


Yesterday I spoke about remembering your life before Christ.
That is important.

But that old life is only to be remembered in gratitude that we are no longer there!
It is not to be remembered wistfully, wishing that we could go back.

Are there some things that you need to forget?

Move forward.
Let it go.
and never look back.

a tan in heaven

Today was a hint of spring.

I walked around Mt. Lebanon without a jacket, watching the snow melt and feeling as if I was finally warm and dry for the first time since November. Even my lungs needed a few tumbles in the dryer. The walk was therapeutic.

Back in the core of winter, I had forgotten the feeling of the sun's heat and the smell of grass. When you are warm it is so difficult to remember what it felt like to be cold. When you are cold it is almost impossible to imagine being hot. While experiencing hunger, the sensation of satisfaction seems like a dream. I am certain that in the midst of summertime bliss, memories of "the bleak midwinter" will fade away.

Don't forget where you came from:

"Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ... but now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ."
Ephesians 2:12-13

Remember that it won't always be this hard:

"No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."
Revelation 22:3-5

LESSON FROM EARLY SPRING--
Remember the winter, but look forward to the summer.

Remember your life without Christ, but look forward seeing Him face to face.

all things are possible

faith faith faith faith faith faith faith faith faith


that is what I have been learning about.

• faith that Jesus' death and resurrection was enough to save me. That is one lesson that took me a few years to honestly receive. But when I realized that faith is a risk, and that it defies even logic, I took the leap. And now I'll never go back. :-)

• faith that God forgives me. This is connected to the above point, but it is another aspect of "salvation." I have been learning to come before GOD with confidence, and not shame. We ought to fear God, as He is perfectly holy and powerful beyond our imaginations. However, He really does forgive, if we ask. No more need to be timid.

• faith that the Holy Spirit has transformed me. Wow. I thought that I "got" this lesson 4 years ago, but it's strength is hitting harder than ever. Not only have I been saved from hell, and forgiven by God-- I am also a NEW PERSON. I am not the same Olivia who did all those things that I now hate. He has purified me, and re-created me.

• faith for the transformation of the world. I am being convicted by my lack of faith for others. I pray for my friends to be healed, to be free, to be made whole-- but sometimes I doubt that it is really possible. They seem to far gone. This is not only for individual friends, but also for institutions and churches and cities. God can do anything. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in me, and I now have faith that He can change ANYONE. An addict, an abuse-victim, a hypocrite-- anyone.
  

• faith for the future. I have no need to worry about my life. If I die young, if I get married, if I move overseas, if I have quintuplets, if I get a disease, if I become wealthy, if nothing exciting happens at all-- I know that God holds my future. Everything is within His hands, and I have faith that He's got it covered.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20

When you feel weakest, dangers surround,
Subtle temptations, troubles abound,
Nothing seems hopeful, nothing seems glad.
All is despairing ; oftentimes sad.

Keep on believing, Jesus is near. 
Keep on believing, there's nothing to fear ; 
Keep on believing, this is the way : 
Faith in the night as well as the day. 

If all were easy, if all were bright. 
Where would the cross be ? where would the fight ? 
But in the hardness God gives to you
Chances of proving that you are true.

God is your wisdom, God is your might ;
God's ever near you, guiding the right ;
He understands you, knows all you need ;
Trusting in Him you'll surely succeed.

Let us press on, then ; never despair !
Live above feeling, victory's there ; 
Jesus can keep us so near to Him,
That nevermore our faith shall grow dim.

scrubba dub dub

"Follow your heart"

"No. The heart is deceptive above all things (Jeremiah 17:9)."

"Aaah! Your heart is not deceptive! Your old heart was when it was filled with sin, but now you are being sanctified, and your new heart is pure! God has given you a clean heart, and it is in line with His will, and it is no longer evil!"

silence.

Have you given your heart away,
and had it returned to you broken?
Ever trusted someone,
and been let down?

Would you trust Someone whose name is LOVE?

It's worth the risk,
He won't let you down.

Give your heart to Jesus now.

varying teas vs. His presence

Last month,
in one day,
I heard two different people describe their versions of Heaven.
They were both hilarious!

One said that Heaven for them would be gospel choir and toaster strudels.
The other, several hours later, said that their Heaven would be a 75 degree snow fall.

Today,
I described my kitchen "tea drawer" as paradise.
(side note: every kind of tea imaginable, decaf and regular, including real British tea ... pretty close to Paradise-- right?)

Listen to this song by Shai Linne,
based on Psalm 73.
The preacher at the beginning and end is John Piper.

Here's the link: My Portion

What if Heaven is perfect:

your favorite food,
your closest friends,
all the luxuries and wealth imaginable,
no sickness, no injuries, no emotional pain,
loads of fun...

but what if God wasn't there?

Would you be satisfied?

"Everyone wants to go to Heaven,
but not everyone wants to spend eternity with God.
Heaven will be filled with people who love God."
(Paul Washer)