the last Wednesday of the month and the days following are always such a dark season.
welfare Wednesday.
i was amazed again, at how different the streets are during that time.
all the dealers come out (they're always out, but more so this week), and everybody is tweaking out. it's intense.
perfect timing to bring 45 teens from small town northern BC to come and visit.
i was giving a group of them a tour right down skid row-- showing them the sights, trying to answer a sweet, chatty 13 year old boy who kept asking questions like, "what are those clear pipes everyone is sucking on?" or "why is that lady dancing?" or "why doesn't anyone have teeth?"
i don't want to answer those things! i know it's meant to be educational, but man!-- he learned a lot yesterday.
when you see young, clean, healthy-looking people walking down the street in massive packs, you know they're Christians. no doubt. this is a fairly regular occurrence, and it gets a lot of reaction.
"what, are you going to try and save me?! your God isn't real so f--- off!"
"oh look at the cute Christians kids! welcome to the real world."
"do you like my neighborhood? this is where you end up if you're really screwed up."
something in me (my Camden, New Jersey inbred longing for street credibility) wanted to separate myself and say, "oh, i live down here, i'm just giving them a tour..." but i know that they couldn't tell me apart from the others.
one man in rock alley told us off. he saw a crowd approaching and figured it was a perfect opportunity to start giving a speech. despite his street appearance, he had very refined English. most of what he said made no sense to me, but some of it sunk in deeply:
"mothers and fathers, why are you bringing your children down here against their own will? to show them the freak show? it's patronizing and wrong."
my neighbors, many of whom are my friends, feel like they are in a zoo, and that all the "normal people" are coming down to gawk at how messed up they are.
that's their experience with Christianity. either they get stared at, or preached at. very enticing, i'm sure.
sigh.
conversational whiplash:
i have inherited, from my mother, a double portion of Thrift Store anointing. i claimed that generational blessing years ago, and i'm seeing the fruit of it. :o)
i was walking past Value Village yesterday morning, and the Lord told me that if i would go in there, He was going to provide me with a red jacket.
so i went in, and came out a few minutes later with a sweet, blood red jacket, for $7.99 CDN. nice.
figured i'd end on that happy note of retail therapy, rather than leave you to think about the damage that short term mission trips do to a neighborhood, and to the missionaries who are fighting for it. more comfortable.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Ready And Willing Whatever.
cahrazey week at RAW-- "Ready And Willing" youth THING.
definitely not a conference (the Lord hates those, Amos 5:21-24).
also definitely not a retreat (did our Captain sound the call to retreat? are we being pushed back by the enemy? i think not! no retreating, hell defeating)
so i'm not quite sure what to call RAW...an advance? an experience? training? Ready And Willing anti-conference?
whatever we call it, it was an important time:
these teens didn't gather together to spiritually please themselves, and leave feeling like an emotional mess. rather, they gave up their spring break, and came to the Downtown Eastside to serve the poor, and "dance upon injustice" (i'm still pretty sure that phrase is not in the Bible, but it's a catchy one anyway).
i praught (the teacher taught, the preacher praught-- ht, sargent xc) on Monday night-- probably the shortest, most disjointed sermon of all times. very silly.
but i console myself with this:
when Billy Graham was nearing the end of his first sermon, he felt like it wasn't long enough, so he started a second sermon. when that one was done, and he still didn't feel like it was long enough, so he started a third sermon. then he looked at the clock, and 5 minutes had passed. (ht, soldier spb)
that's pretty encouraging, eh?
mine was 11.5 minutes (who's counting?--ht, captain sec), and that was only one sermon, so guess i'm doing aiight.
the main point of this blog is this: i'm a better preacher than Billy Graham ;o)
kidding.
in other news, my emotions are as fragile as a porcelain doll.
i reckon that this has something to do with the fact that i chilled on the floor for 3 nights, surrounded by 15 year old girls, rarely sleeping. this resulted in physical fatigue (and sore muscles), emotional fatigue (i love those girls so much it hurts), BUT--
no spiritual fatigue. nuh-uh. when we serve the Lord, it energizes us (ht, major db). pouring all my love, energy and time into 11 teenage girls doesn't make me feel depleted-- it builds me up. i feel pumped!
i think i cried half a dozen times on Wednesday. everything just seems like such a big deal when you're tired.
i remember, as a child, feeling deep sorrow over the injustices in my life (i.e. my mom making me brush my teeth, my dad making me turn off the tv and go play outside)-- they were SUCH big deals to me. i felt like the world was against me, and it caused me great angst.
i also recall my mother looking at me patronizingly, and saying, "you're just tired sweetie."
it was horrible to feel like my own mother could summarize all of my massive problems so succinctly. so debasing-- belittling all of my titanic predicaments.
but this is precisely what's going on in me, even 12 years later:
i feel like every little problem is a huge deal...but i'm probably just tired.
perhaps you shouldn't remind me of that. i could easily burst into tears.
teenagers. oh my dear.
definitely not a conference (the Lord hates those, Amos 5:21-24).
also definitely not a retreat (did our Captain sound the call to retreat? are we being pushed back by the enemy? i think not! no retreating, hell defeating)
so i'm not quite sure what to call RAW...an advance? an experience? training? Ready And Willing anti-conference?
whatever we call it, it was an important time:
these teens didn't gather together to spiritually please themselves, and leave feeling like an emotional mess. rather, they gave up their spring break, and came to the Downtown Eastside to serve the poor, and "dance upon injustice" (i'm still pretty sure that phrase is not in the Bible, but it's a catchy one anyway).
i praught (the teacher taught, the preacher praught-- ht, sargent xc) on Monday night-- probably the shortest, most disjointed sermon of all times. very silly.
but i console myself with this:
when Billy Graham was nearing the end of his first sermon, he felt like it wasn't long enough, so he started a second sermon. when that one was done, and he still didn't feel like it was long enough, so he started a third sermon. then he looked at the clock, and 5 minutes had passed. (ht, soldier spb)
that's pretty encouraging, eh?
mine was 11.5 minutes (who's counting?--ht, captain sec), and that was only one sermon, so guess i'm doing aiight.
the main point of this blog is this: i'm a better preacher than Billy Graham ;o)
kidding.
in other news, my emotions are as fragile as a porcelain doll.
i reckon that this has something to do with the fact that i chilled on the floor for 3 nights, surrounded by 15 year old girls, rarely sleeping. this resulted in physical fatigue (and sore muscles), emotional fatigue (i love those girls so much it hurts), BUT--
no spiritual fatigue. nuh-uh. when we serve the Lord, it energizes us (ht, major db). pouring all my love, energy and time into 11 teenage girls doesn't make me feel depleted-- it builds me up. i feel pumped!
i think i cried half a dozen times on Wednesday. everything just seems like such a big deal when you're tired.
i remember, as a child, feeling deep sorrow over the injustices in my life (i.e. my mom making me brush my teeth, my dad making me turn off the tv and go play outside)-- they were SUCH big deals to me. i felt like the world was against me, and it caused me great angst.
i also recall my mother looking at me patronizingly, and saying, "you're just tired sweetie."
it was horrible to feel like my own mother could summarize all of my massive problems so succinctly. so debasing-- belittling all of my titanic predicaments.
but this is precisely what's going on in me, even 12 years later:
i feel like every little problem is a huge deal...but i'm probably just tired.
perhaps you shouldn't remind me of that. i could easily burst into tears.
teenagers. oh my dear.
Friday, March 16, 2007
discernment needed.
yesterday, in the War Room, as one prayer warrior looked down on the intersection of Main and Hastings, she commented:
"sometimes i can't tell if someone is high, or if they're a Salvationist."
hah-- hilarious. she went on to clarify, that when she sees someone on a street corner yelling, and dancing, she doesn't know if they're tweaking out, or praising the Lord.
our neighborhood is not normal. good thing we aren't either.
"sometimes i can't tell if someone is high, or if they're a Salvationist."
hah-- hilarious. she went on to clarify, that when she sees someone on a street corner yelling, and dancing, she doesn't know if they're tweaking out, or praising the Lord.
our neighborhood is not normal. good thing we aren't either.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
very interesting class discussion this morning, all about holiness.
many differing viewpoints.
i know what i believe, but i am curious:
how man of you believe you are holy?
by that, i mean holy. :o) not saved in your sin, but from your sin.
how many of you believe that you live in total victory, that your sinful nature is crucified, that you're a slave of righteousness, that you've been filled with divine love?
i don't want to get into another holiness discussion right now (my brain hurts...i'm game for it at another time!), but i would love it if you would comment a sentence or two (no preaching, please) and tell me if you testify to holiness or not.
do you sin?
many differing viewpoints.
i know what i believe, but i am curious:
how man of you believe you are holy?
by that, i mean holy. :o) not saved in your sin, but from your sin.
how many of you believe that you live in total victory, that your sinful nature is crucified, that you're a slave of righteousness, that you've been filled with divine love?
i don't want to get into another holiness discussion right now (my brain hurts...i'm game for it at another time!), but i would love it if you would comment a sentence or two (no preaching, please) and tell me if you testify to holiness or not.
do you sin?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
number 2 today
p.s.
today is International Women's Day.
bless some women in your life!
perhaps you could:
--advocate for the sexually trafficked: stopthetraffik.org
--respect female officers in your life by calling them by their rank (unless they're first-name people), not by Mrs.
--allow women to be free to operate in their gifts in the Church, rather than squeezing them all into one mold of "women's ministries," centerpiece-making, and hospitality. (that sentence is in no way meant to degrade women, or men, who are gifted in this way, it is only to say that some women are not created to do that, and thus should be free to do what it is they are created to do.)
--ask her questions and then LISTEN to whatever she says. don't cut her off and place your own opinion above hers, but give her the floor to express herself. humble yourself before her.
--acknowledge that women are one of the most oppressed people groups in the history of the world. don't make derogatory jokes about women, just as you wouldn't joke about the Jews, or Africans, or homosexuals.
--recognize them as the pinnacle of creation: the Lord started with something as simple as light, worked up to the land, then created plants, then moved onto animals, then: man...and then the grand finale, the masterpiece: woman!
(hah: this one is sort of a joke. i don't actually think that women are superior to men, as men are superior to animals)
wait:
forget International Women's Day-- make this a lifestyle.
today is International Women's Day.
bless some women in your life!
perhaps you could:
--advocate for the sexually trafficked: stopthetraffik.org
--respect female officers in your life by calling them by their rank (unless they're first-name people), not by Mrs.
--allow women to be free to operate in their gifts in the Church, rather than squeezing them all into one mold of "women's ministries," centerpiece-making, and hospitality. (that sentence is in no way meant to degrade women, or men, who are gifted in this way, it is only to say that some women are not created to do that, and thus should be free to do what it is they are created to do.)
--ask her questions and then LISTEN to whatever she says. don't cut her off and place your own opinion above hers, but give her the floor to express herself. humble yourself before her.
--acknowledge that women are one of the most oppressed people groups in the history of the world. don't make derogatory jokes about women, just as you wouldn't joke about the Jews, or Africans, or homosexuals.
--recognize them as the pinnacle of creation: the Lord started with something as simple as light, worked up to the land, then created plants, then moved onto animals, then: man...and then the grand finale, the masterpiece: woman!
(hah: this one is sort of a joke. i don't actually think that women are superior to men, as men are superior to animals)
wait:
forget International Women's Day-- make this a lifestyle.
poor horsie
so--
we're not going to see revival until we're holy.
we're not going to be intimate with the Lord until we're holy.
we're not going to see the end of injustice and suffering until we're holy.
i'm sure that i've beat that dead horse into the ground.
but it is undeniably important. the most important thing on this earth.
once the Church is holy, these things will happen:
1. we will be able to ascend the hill of the Lord (see Psalm 15). we will be able to stand in His presence, and we will know Him deeply.
2. we will thus be filled with such a divine love that we will be spurred into doing good-- we will fight for the vulnerable, we will remember the needy.
3. we will begin to see people cross from death to life, by the power of God Almighty. He will trust us enough to lavish His power on us, and we will see healings, wonders, mass repentance, and prophecies.
holiness is the solution to every problem.
it's the most important thing in the world.
this message is so urgent, i don't know how to move on from it.
your holiness doesn't only affect you, it affects everyone.
it's not a choice.
"Without holiness, no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)
unless we are holy, no one will see the Lord. unless we surrender our selfishness, our pride, our future, and allow Him to take all of us-- the world will be lost. they won't see Him until we are holy.
please. seek the Lord, and beg Him to sanctify you.
we're not going to see revival until we're holy.
we're not going to be intimate with the Lord until we're holy.
we're not going to see the end of injustice and suffering until we're holy.
i'm sure that i've beat that dead horse into the ground.
but it is undeniably important. the most important thing on this earth.
once the Church is holy, these things will happen:
1. we will be able to ascend the hill of the Lord (see Psalm 15). we will be able to stand in His presence, and we will know Him deeply.
2. we will thus be filled with such a divine love that we will be spurred into doing good-- we will fight for the vulnerable, we will remember the needy.
3. we will begin to see people cross from death to life, by the power of God Almighty. He will trust us enough to lavish His power on us, and we will see healings, wonders, mass repentance, and prophecies.
holiness is the solution to every problem.
it's the most important thing in the world.
this message is so urgent, i don't know how to move on from it.
your holiness doesn't only affect you, it affects everyone.
it's not a choice.
"Without holiness, no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)
unless we are holy, no one will see the Lord. unless we surrender our selfishness, our pride, our future, and allow Him to take all of us-- the world will be lost. they won't see Him until we are holy.
please. seek the Lord, and beg Him to sanctify you.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
i meant it
does anyone recall my top two motivations for holiness?
(heh, i talk like i'm Rick Warren or Bill Wilson or some other famous author whose brilliant ideas one etches on their mind permanently)
well-- i can't stop thinking about them!
for a while now i've been wrestling with the Lord through my thoughts on evangelism.
first there was:
"why doesn't God reveal Himself to the whole world so that they fall in love with Him and turn from their sins? if He really wants 'no one perish, but everyone to come to repentance,' then why doesn't He show them some miracle so that they will choose Him? maybe He doesn't want everyone to be saved..."
that was a harsh season.
then my thoughts turned more like:
"He just needs faithful servants. we're a bunch of lazy soldiers-- He wants to save everyone, but He needs us to cooperate with Him in His work. people aren't getting saved, not because of His willingness, but because of our unwillingness. He wants the whole world saved, but if we wanted it to happen, then we'd do something about it, and it would happen."
this was, perhaps, a more accurate train of thought.
so i prayed that God would make me a faithful worker in His harvest field. and i repented of my slothful, selfish ways.
(i'm summarizing this all very tidily, but mind you, this whole thought process took about 2 years)
a few nights ago i had a good chat with Rob, in which i was totally venting all my frustrations with evangelism. i was sharing about how Open Air didn't seem to be working, how i spend hours "building relationships," and see very little transformation. i was questioning why we don't see mass repentance at the Open Air meeting like we used to. is it because we don't actually have the Holy Spirit? we're out there, being faithful workers, and He's a faithful God who desires salvation for all, so why isn't it happening?
and this is what he taught me:
what would happen if mass revival happened in my corps?
if one day, while preaching on a street corner, one hundred people (or even 10 for that matter) repented of their sin, put their faith in the blood of Jesus, and began to follow Him, would it be a good thing?
(well of course it would be...but work with me here)
would we be ready for it?
is our family, our community, ready to take anyone else in?
i wonder.
sometimes i think that we couldn't handle massive amounts of converts. we wouldn't know how to disciple them, we'd probably hurt them, we wouldn't know how to use them in their giftings...we wouldn't know what to do with them all.
so perhaps before we see these lonely people put into our family, we need to become a family worth bringing people into. we need to be purged of all uncleanness, gossip, laziness, lust, lack of compassion, etc, before the Lord will be able to trust us with His beloved people.
holiness. solution to every problem.
Lord-- sift us. get rid of the chaff inside of us, so only wheat remains. boil us until all the junk rises up-- then, please get rid of it. discipline us so that we'll be ready for an outpouring.
from praying the Bible this morning:
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
(Psalm 139:23-24)
(heh, i talk like i'm Rick Warren or Bill Wilson or some other famous author whose brilliant ideas one etches on their mind permanently)
well-- i can't stop thinking about them!
for a while now i've been wrestling with the Lord through my thoughts on evangelism.
first there was:
"why doesn't God reveal Himself to the whole world so that they fall in love with Him and turn from their sins? if He really wants 'no one perish, but everyone to come to repentance,' then why doesn't He show them some miracle so that they will choose Him? maybe He doesn't want everyone to be saved..."
that was a harsh season.
then my thoughts turned more like:
"He just needs faithful servants. we're a bunch of lazy soldiers-- He wants to save everyone, but He needs us to cooperate with Him in His work. people aren't getting saved, not because of His willingness, but because of our unwillingness. He wants the whole world saved, but if we wanted it to happen, then we'd do something about it, and it would happen."
this was, perhaps, a more accurate train of thought.
so i prayed that God would make me a faithful worker in His harvest field. and i repented of my slothful, selfish ways.
(i'm summarizing this all very tidily, but mind you, this whole thought process took about 2 years)
a few nights ago i had a good chat with Rob, in which i was totally venting all my frustrations with evangelism. i was sharing about how Open Air didn't seem to be working, how i spend hours "building relationships," and see very little transformation. i was questioning why we don't see mass repentance at the Open Air meeting like we used to. is it because we don't actually have the Holy Spirit? we're out there, being faithful workers, and He's a faithful God who desires salvation for all, so why isn't it happening?
and this is what he taught me:
what would happen if mass revival happened in my corps?
if one day, while preaching on a street corner, one hundred people (or even 10 for that matter) repented of their sin, put their faith in the blood of Jesus, and began to follow Him, would it be a good thing?
(well of course it would be...but work with me here)
would we be ready for it?
is our family, our community, ready to take anyone else in?
i wonder.
sometimes i think that we couldn't handle massive amounts of converts. we wouldn't know how to disciple them, we'd probably hurt them, we wouldn't know how to use them in their giftings...we wouldn't know what to do with them all.
so perhaps before we see these lonely people put into our family, we need to become a family worth bringing people into. we need to be purged of all uncleanness, gossip, laziness, lust, lack of compassion, etc, before the Lord will be able to trust us with His beloved people.
holiness. solution to every problem.
Lord-- sift us. get rid of the chaff inside of us, so only wheat remains. boil us until all the junk rises up-- then, please get rid of it. discipline us so that we'll be ready for an outpouring.
from praying the Bible this morning:
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Sunday, March 04, 2007
que pasa?
okay...phew...wow...
i just had one of those "moments." you know, one of those encounters with the almighty God that makes you feel that you aren't even worthy to lay face-first in the dirt because He created that. one of those moments when you are weeping so hard that you don't know what to say-- and to even try to wrap your mind around what is going on in your spirit is in vain anyway. one of those moments that will become a landmark in your journey toward paradise. one of those moments that are seemingly impossible to describe to anyone who doesn't know Jesus, and hasn't experienced this combination of Love and holy terror.
actually-- i've had two of these moments in just over 24 hours. what is going on!?
i really have no idea what just happened.
there's this legend-- and his name is Rob Dolby. he and Heather (his bride-- also a legend) are leading the troops in war in Charlotte, North Carolina. they, and their soldiers, are here in Vancouver to visit for a few days.
Rob and Heather are possibly the most popular people in the Downtown East side-- within 614 and without. like i said-- legend. they have mucho (Spanish, you know) authority in the spiritual realm, and massive influence.
after my shift at the shelter tonight, Rob and i went out to do some late-night street combat. street combat is two-by-two, on the streets, intentional evangelism. we walk around and try to get people saved. good times.
one guy told us to "f--- the Salvation Army," (break that off in Jesus' name!), one guy played us a blues song on the guitar (so much soul-- cigarette in the strings and everything), we gave a lady a chocolate bar, we prophesied over a few people, we said hello and offered prayer to many who said "no," and one lady prayed the sinners prayer with us after being seriously broken and confessing some deep hurts that lead to her drug use.
it was important, i believe, but pretty chill on the whole. no mass repentance, no signs and wonders, just lots of love and connections.
when we were done, Rob prayed for me, and imparted to me any spiritual authority he has on these streets in greater measure then what he experienced. he prayed for an outpouring of love in me that would overflow. he encouraged me to press on in the fight, and to remain on the streets.
yet again-- chill. he prayed, i received it, but it didn't seem like a pivotal moment.
we said goodnight, i opened the door to my apartment, and my knees suddenly turned into patellas of metal, and the floor one giant magnet. i didn't really stop to think about kneeling down, i just locked the door behind me and then realized a few seconds later that i was on the floor. a bit awkward, since i didn't even make it up the stairs yet.
and i burst into tears.
this is all connected to all the things i have been blogging about recently-- His grace, my weakness, and desire for holiness.
i want SO badly for the Lord to use me on these streets to minister to His loved friends. i want Him to use me like He has used Rob-- and more, of course. i want to see people saved. deeply.
and it has nothing to do with my own name anymore-- as i knelt with my head to our embarrassingly grimy steps, i felt lower and more pathetic than the dirt wedged up in the corners. i remembered all over again all of the temptations and waverings (totally not a word) that i've been going through these days. i remembered my complete frailty. i remembered how frequently i fail, when i try so hard to be good.
but i felt more motivated than ever to be holy.
because of motivation #2 from my last blog-- effectiveness. i long to see people saved. i love them. by "them," i mean people. i love the world. and i long for their salvation more than anything in this world.
the only thing i long for more is to know the Lord. yet another good reason to be holy. but though i keep on trying, i can't do it on my own.
in this place of utter brokenness, love, desire, humility, dependency, and zeal-- the Lord moved me again to look to His grace.
so...as i prefaced this post by saying-- i'm really not sure what just happened. but it was intense. as i knelt there with my face to the floor, the tears conveniently attracting every speck of dirt, i tried to analyze what on earth i was crying about. and i'm still not entirely sure. but it was good. the Lord was doing something, and i really feel at a bit of a loss as to what. whatever it was, it was deep.
as i sad-- two "moments," recently. i won't describe the first one in depth, i'll just say this: Tara, Heather, and myself in the War Room; Marty Mikles, Running in Circles, track #9 on repeat; complacency to connectedness, to trickling tears, and finally to open wailing.
yet again-- can't analyze it, but it was deep.
Lord-- what are You doing? please-- keep doing it. do what You want.
i just had one of those "moments." you know, one of those encounters with the almighty God that makes you feel that you aren't even worthy to lay face-first in the dirt because He created that. one of those moments when you are weeping so hard that you don't know what to say-- and to even try to wrap your mind around what is going on in your spirit is in vain anyway. one of those moments that will become a landmark in your journey toward paradise. one of those moments that are seemingly impossible to describe to anyone who doesn't know Jesus, and hasn't experienced this combination of Love and holy terror.
actually-- i've had two of these moments in just over 24 hours. what is going on!?
i really have no idea what just happened.
there's this legend-- and his name is Rob Dolby. he and Heather (his bride-- also a legend) are leading the troops in war in Charlotte, North Carolina. they, and their soldiers, are here in Vancouver to visit for a few days.
Rob and Heather are possibly the most popular people in the Downtown East side-- within 614 and without. like i said-- legend. they have mucho (Spanish, you know) authority in the spiritual realm, and massive influence.
after my shift at the shelter tonight, Rob and i went out to do some late-night street combat. street combat is two-by-two, on the streets, intentional evangelism. we walk around and try to get people saved. good times.
one guy told us to "f--- the Salvation Army," (break that off in Jesus' name!), one guy played us a blues song on the guitar (so much soul-- cigarette in the strings and everything), we gave a lady a chocolate bar, we prophesied over a few people, we said hello and offered prayer to many who said "no," and one lady prayed the sinners prayer with us after being seriously broken and confessing some deep hurts that lead to her drug use.
it was important, i believe, but pretty chill on the whole. no mass repentance, no signs and wonders, just lots of love and connections.
when we were done, Rob prayed for me, and imparted to me any spiritual authority he has on these streets in greater measure then what he experienced. he prayed for an outpouring of love in me that would overflow. he encouraged me to press on in the fight, and to remain on the streets.
yet again-- chill. he prayed, i received it, but it didn't seem like a pivotal moment.
we said goodnight, i opened the door to my apartment, and my knees suddenly turned into patellas of metal, and the floor one giant magnet. i didn't really stop to think about kneeling down, i just locked the door behind me and then realized a few seconds later that i was on the floor. a bit awkward, since i didn't even make it up the stairs yet.
and i burst into tears.
this is all connected to all the things i have been blogging about recently-- His grace, my weakness, and desire for holiness.
i want SO badly for the Lord to use me on these streets to minister to His loved friends. i want Him to use me like He has used Rob-- and more, of course. i want to see people saved. deeply.
and it has nothing to do with my own name anymore-- as i knelt with my head to our embarrassingly grimy steps, i felt lower and more pathetic than the dirt wedged up in the corners. i remembered all over again all of the temptations and waverings (totally not a word) that i've been going through these days. i remembered my complete frailty. i remembered how frequently i fail, when i try so hard to be good.
but i felt more motivated than ever to be holy.
because of motivation #2 from my last blog-- effectiveness. i long to see people saved. i love them. by "them," i mean people. i love the world. and i long for their salvation more than anything in this world.
the only thing i long for more is to know the Lord. yet another good reason to be holy. but though i keep on trying, i can't do it on my own.
in this place of utter brokenness, love, desire, humility, dependency, and zeal-- the Lord moved me again to look to His grace.
so...as i prefaced this post by saying-- i'm really not sure what just happened. but it was intense. as i knelt there with my face to the floor, the tears conveniently attracting every speck of dirt, i tried to analyze what on earth i was crying about. and i'm still not entirely sure. but it was good. the Lord was doing something, and i really feel at a bit of a loss as to what. whatever it was, it was deep.
as i sad-- two "moments," recently. i won't describe the first one in depth, i'll just say this: Tara, Heather, and myself in the War Room; Marty Mikles, Running in Circles, track #9 on repeat; complacency to connectedness, to trickling tears, and finally to open wailing.
yet again-- can't analyze it, but it was deep.
Lord-- what are You doing? please-- keep doing it. do what You want.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
i'm convinced.
Top two motivations for holiness:
2.) effectiveness in ministry. when i see the need around me, when i see Christians who need to be discipled, when i see how much work needs to be done, i am motivated to obey the Lord. i can't preach a sermon while i am feeling shameful for how i've been living. i can't minister to a woman on the streets when i'm stuck in sin. that would be hypocrisy-- which is possibly the most hated quality ever.
but i want to be used by the Lord, and i want to see His kingdom come-- so i want to be blameless and pure.
1.) intimacy with the Lord. the conviction and unrest that comes from living in sin makes it unbearable to connect with the Lord. as Michael Collins says, "obedience equals intimacy." when i am obeying Him, it is showing that i love Him, and then i am close to Him in a way that i could never be if i was being disobedient.
my friend, Shaw Coleman, commented on my last post something profound that supports this #1 reason for being clean:
I was musing on this today, and it made me wonder if I'm going about things the wrong way. As in, am I using my relationship with Jesus to make myself 'clean,' just so I can be clean, or am I wanting to become clean so I can have a relationship with God?
One had righteousness as an end in itself, the other has relationship as an end in itself.
I'm guessing what we should strive for is relationship with God, and 'cleanliness' will come as an expression of that.
very interesting.
"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:8-11
to know Christ is the number one reason to be holy.
ON THE FLIP SIDE
(there always seems to be a flip side...)
this doesn't contradict, it's merely a tension:
i have not made my way into the throne room by doing what is right.
i am only allowed to enter His presence with confidence because of the death of Christ. no other reason.
so i recognize that the real way to know Him and be intimate with Him is by way of the blood of Jesus. i can't make my own way.
but the tension still stands--
when i lived in sin, i couldn't bring myself to meet with Him. He is too perfect, and i felt ashamed, and uneasy because i knew what He wanted me to stop doing. i couldn't meet with Him confidently, because i was convicted.
interesting.
i'm motivated to be holy. those two reason are the reasons i exist-- they motivate me like nothing else.
2.) effectiveness in ministry. when i see the need around me, when i see Christians who need to be discipled, when i see how much work needs to be done, i am motivated to obey the Lord. i can't preach a sermon while i am feeling shameful for how i've been living. i can't minister to a woman on the streets when i'm stuck in sin. that would be hypocrisy-- which is possibly the most hated quality ever.
but i want to be used by the Lord, and i want to see His kingdom come-- so i want to be blameless and pure.
1.) intimacy with the Lord. the conviction and unrest that comes from living in sin makes it unbearable to connect with the Lord. as Michael Collins says, "obedience equals intimacy." when i am obeying Him, it is showing that i love Him, and then i am close to Him in a way that i could never be if i was being disobedient.
my friend, Shaw Coleman, commented on my last post something profound that supports this #1 reason for being clean:
I was musing on this today, and it made me wonder if I'm going about things the wrong way. As in, am I using my relationship with Jesus to make myself 'clean,' just so I can be clean, or am I wanting to become clean so I can have a relationship with God?
One had righteousness as an end in itself, the other has relationship as an end in itself.
I'm guessing what we should strive for is relationship with God, and 'cleanliness' will come as an expression of that.
very interesting.
"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:8-11
to know Christ is the number one reason to be holy.
ON THE FLIP SIDE
(there always seems to be a flip side...)
this doesn't contradict, it's merely a tension:
i have not made my way into the throne room by doing what is right.
i am only allowed to enter His presence with confidence because of the death of Christ. no other reason.
so i recognize that the real way to know Him and be intimate with Him is by way of the blood of Jesus. i can't make my own way.
but the tension still stands--
when i lived in sin, i couldn't bring myself to meet with Him. He is too perfect, and i felt ashamed, and uneasy because i knew what He wanted me to stop doing. i couldn't meet with Him confidently, because i was convicted.
interesting.
i'm motivated to be holy. those two reason are the reasons i exist-- they motivate me like nothing else.
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