que pasa?

okay...phew...wow...

i just had one of those "moments." you know, one of those encounters with the almighty God that makes you feel that you aren't even worthy to lay face-first in the dirt because He created that. one of those moments when you are weeping so hard that you don't know what to say-- and to even try to wrap your mind around what is going on in your spirit is in vain anyway. one of those moments that will become a landmark in your journey toward paradise. one of those moments that are seemingly impossible to describe to anyone who doesn't know Jesus, and hasn't experienced this combination of Love and holy terror.

actually-- i've had two of these moments in just over 24 hours. what is going on!?

i really have no idea what just happened.

there's this legend-- and his name is Rob Dolby. he and Heather (his bride-- also a legend) are leading the troops in war in Charlotte, North Carolina. they, and their soldiers, are here in Vancouver to visit for a few days.
Rob and Heather are possibly the most popular people in the Downtown East side-- within 614 and without. like i said-- legend. they have mucho (Spanish, you know) authority in the spiritual realm, and massive influence.

after my shift at the shelter tonight, Rob and i went out to do some late-night street combat. street combat is two-by-two, on the streets, intentional evangelism. we walk around and try to get people saved. good times.
one guy told us to "f--- the Salvation Army," (break that off in Jesus' name!), one guy played us a blues song on the guitar (so much soul-- cigarette in the strings and everything), we gave a lady a chocolate bar, we prophesied over a few people, we said hello and offered prayer to many who said "no," and one lady prayed the sinners prayer with us after being seriously broken and confessing some deep hurts that lead to her drug use.
it was important, i believe, but pretty chill on the whole. no mass repentance, no signs and wonders, just lots of love and connections.

when we were done, Rob prayed for me, and imparted to me any spiritual authority he has on these streets in greater measure then what he experienced. he prayed for an outpouring of love in me that would overflow. he encouraged me to press on in the fight, and to remain on the streets.

yet again-- chill. he prayed, i received it, but it didn't seem like a pivotal moment.

we said goodnight, i opened the door to my apartment, and my knees suddenly turned into patellas of metal, and the floor one giant magnet. i didn't really stop to think about kneeling down, i just locked the door behind me and then realized a few seconds later that i was on the floor. a bit awkward, since i didn't even make it up the stairs yet.

and i burst into tears.

this is all connected to all the things i have been blogging about recently-- His grace, my weakness, and desire for holiness.

i want SO badly for the Lord to use me on these streets to minister to His loved friends. i want Him to use me like He has used Rob-- and more, of course. i want to see people saved. deeply.
and it has nothing to do with my own name anymore-- as i knelt with my head to our embarrassingly grimy steps, i felt lower and more pathetic than the dirt wedged up in the corners. i remembered all over again all of the temptations and waverings (totally not a word) that i've been going through these days. i remembered my complete frailty. i remembered how frequently i fail, when i try so hard to be good.
but i felt more motivated than ever to be holy.
because of motivation #2 from my last blog-- effectiveness. i long to see people saved. i love them. by "them," i mean people. i love the world. and i long for their salvation more than anything in this world.
the only thing i long for more is to know the Lord. yet another good reason to be holy. but though i keep on trying, i can't do it on my own.

in this place of utter brokenness, love, desire, humility, dependency, and zeal-- the Lord moved me again to look to His grace.

so...as i prefaced this post by saying-- i'm really not sure what just happened. but it was intense. as i knelt there with my face to the floor, the tears conveniently attracting every speck of dirt, i tried to analyze what on earth i was crying about. and i'm still not entirely sure. but it was good. the Lord was doing something, and i really feel at a bit of a loss as to what. whatever it was, it was deep.

as i sad-- two "moments," recently. i won't describe the first one in depth, i'll just say this: Tara, Heather, and myself in the War Room; Marty Mikles, Running in Circles, track #9 on repeat; complacency to connectedness, to trickling tears, and finally to open wailing.
yet again-- can't analyze it, but it was deep.

Lord-- what are You doing? please-- keep doing it. do what You want.