i am relatively vulnerable on my blog.
i'm even more vulnerable in my journal.
but there are some things that even my blog and my journal never see.
my blog saw the quote i posted yesterday.
my journal saw that same quote, and a fiery entry to go along with it.
but only the Lord and the bed bugs saw me put down my journal, collapse on my pillow and weep over how much i hate sin.
only the Lord and the mice saw me tremulously and frantically put on my shoes and coat, and head out the door to an undecided location, where i would finally be alone.
only the Lord and the sparrows saw me sitting on the icy dock at Crab Park, where i finally engaged my vocal chords. i sobbed. i shouted my prayers.
even the bed bugs, mice, and sparrows had no idea what was going on in my heart. only the Lord did.
i told the Lord how confused i was. i felt like there was a MASSIVE conflict inside of me, but that Handbook of Doctrine quote made me think that perhaps i wasn't sanctified.
while i don't consider my journal or my blog to be creatures, like the bed bugs, mice and sparrows (though the pig on my journal could confuse you...), my blog readers, and my journal (whom i love to personify) also will never understand fully what is going on in my heart. only the Lord.
back to the story:
i emailed captain Court and asked him to explain this quote to me, because i didn't know if it was true or not. praise the Lord-- he clarified very well. if you're curious to understand it deeper, then you should read his blog entry yesterday: armybarmy
so, hallelujah, i feel much better now.
i recognize that my tears were not present because i keep on sinning and i feel bad about it.
my tears were present because i was tempted to sin, but i hate sin with such violence that i fought the enemy hard and refused to give in.
it was all a good thing. phew.
so you may not be the Lord, my journal, or even the vermin in my house, but now at least you know my life a little bit. i hate sin.
3 comments:
Sin: it comes from an old english archery term meaning," You missed the target." The person standing behind the target would call out where you hit on the target, but if you missed the target completly he would say,"You sinned!". Just something to think about.
Your vulnerability is so refreshing - meaning, so many more of us should be that way; it's a great testimony. It also helps others to not feel so alone, when feeling this way. Thank you.
Blessings!
Very fresh, so nice to a soul so honest. How often we put up the facade of Religion and say what sounds right rather than what is true. Encourage you to check out my blog sometime.
Post a Comment