this week i have been feeling convicted...
what i have been convicted of could be called by a few names:
1) selfishness
2) being ingrown/inward focused
3) effeteness
4) spiritual masturbation.
i suppose the first two definitions are more self-explanatory than three or four.
effete can be defined as:
1.Depleted of vitality, force, or effectiveness; exhausted.
2.Marked by self-indulgence, triviality, or decadence.
3.Overrefined; effeminate.
4.No longer productive; infertile.
and spiritual masturbation is intimacy and pleasure without any results. it's Christianity for the way that it makes you feel, but not seeing any fruit. as believers in a love relationship with Jesus, we should produce spiritual offspring-- converts.
so i've repented. i've changed a few things in my schedule and behaviors which force me to be on the streets, and evangelizing with more boldness than usual. i'm fed up with not seeing anyone get saved.
however, with this recent lifestyle change, i've been discouraged. i'm trying harder than ever to help revolutionize the world, but i'm not seeing much more fruit. last night i had a crisis when suddenly i sank into discouragement-- i had pleaded with so many people for days, and nothing was working. i want to see people pass from death to life! i want to see mass repentance like you read about.
i used to get mad at God for not changing the Downtown East side. then i had a revelation that He wants metamorphosis more than i do--but He needs faithful workers. so i'm trying to be faithful...but now i'm getting mad at myself for the lack of transformation in my neighborhood.
perhaps i'm depending too much on my own strength and strategies. i'm not sure. whatever the cause for this ineffectiveness, i want to get rid of it.
do you relate?
use me, Lord.
give Your servants great boldness in their preaching; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of Your Holy Servant, Jesus. (Acts 4:29-30)
21 comments:
I definitely do relate to a sense of "What's taking so long? Why aren't we seeing more breakthrough?"
A few things to keep in mind -- 1. Persevere. Simply never, ever give up. Set your course on the minimum of a 10 year plan of long obedience in the same direction without looking back. 2.Remember you are co-laboring/collaborating with others. Cannot do it alone or go it alone. 3. The Father knows the times and the seasons -- when He releases revival, breakthrough, revolution, etc. it will be the fullness of time. Can't hurry Him. 4. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy beauty. Enjoy hot chocolate. Enjoy Holy Spirit comfort. Enjoy a child, a breeze, a ray of sun breaking through clouds.
jm
jm
This is one of the most humble entries I've read out of any blog website. You saw where your spiritual problems were and you did something about it. Most people who admit to fault try to make themselves look better than they feel. Congrats to you! It took courage to type that.
jus_barter
Thank you for your openness ... i needed to read tonight. Know that you are a blessing to me.
olivia!
your faith and integrety and wisdom and humility really inspire me... thanks for laying your life open for us all to reflect on ourselves a bit.
ps. your picutre is beautiful.
i completely identify with what you're saying. i want to make sure i'm not reading you wrong, but i hope that you aren't saying that "converts" are the ultimate "fruit".
don't get me wrong. i belive evangelism is important, especially when we back our lives up with our words. (yes, I said that in 'reverse' order on purpose). most of the time, i think people will be won by our relationship with them before they will be won by our words.
however, i think that, by skipping the whole "peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" think and going straight to "converts" in your line of reasoning... well, it could leave you feeling like God isn't holding up his end of the bargain.
i want the world to be changed, too. i want people to know Jesus. but they'll only know Him if I do, so let me press in more and more so that the people around me can be "converted" just by my very presence in their lives.
hope that doesn't sound preachy, and i don't mean to come across harshly. your honesty is rereshing.
grace to you,
Phil
i love u! ilove that ur blogging i learn so much from ur experiences n the things u learn and flesh out and i like it! i miss u tonz! it would be soo great to talk to u sometime!:-D im a cool kid for the next lil bit while auroras here and i call the aphartments for denise usually, and usually when aurora dosnt loose the number, so maybe sometime i can get contacts with you! i miss u a ton! we shud have a phone date soon somtime!:-D
i love you and keep being olivia!
wow - powerful stuff........you amaze me! The work that you are allowing God to do in you is astounding, and challenging! :-) Be blessed!
Olivia,
WOW!! I felt very much the same as you did on the very same day! I guess it's been building up for a little while (mostly because I was with my family in Indianapolis for a week and I felt like I wasn't doing anything for the Kingdom and I wasn't spending much time with God). I don't know what to tell you. You know me, though, and my perfectionism and tendency to try to get stuff done by myself.... If you get any revelation about this let me know. Me: Still struggling with fear - HATE IT!!
Abby
Your transparency will bring you fruit. Look how many people heard and related to your words because of your transparency here in this blog. I agree with Phil. Relationship so deep with God that when you are with them, laughing, listening and crying with them....they hear, see and feel Christ presence in you.
You are such a blessing!
God is already visibly at work in you
wow - 10 comments.
people love ya' babe.
me and R do too.
don't forget the secret place when you're out there on the streets...
"SHE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]." Psalm 91:1 Amplified
"Come tell me all that you have said and done,
Your victories and you failures, hopes and fears.
I know how hardly souls are wooed and won.
My choicest laurels are bedewed with tears
Then fresh from converse from your Lord
Return and work till daylight soften into evening
The brief hours are not lost in which you learn
More of your Master and his rest in heaven."
- Edward Henry Bickersteth in Song 564 of TSA Song Book
wow--
thank you mom, heather, and major coleman.
those were 3 very helpful words to me.
i suppose one could create a line graph with "time spent with Jesus" on the x-axis, and "effectiveness in ministry" on the y-axis-- and the line would continually go up diagonally, increasing exponentially.
the more time with Jesus, the more effectiveness.
Olivia,
you once told me you don't intend or enjoy publishing your heart on the internet...but i want to thank you for giving a glimpse. I relate. The comments on your blog have blessed me as well...so thanks for posting...sometimes it is nice to know i am not the only one fighting certain battles...
thanks for blessing me AGAIN -
jah
Wow this is an amazing blog keep fighting the good fight you are an inspiration to me please don't stop fighting for the souls of the dieing.
I believe that someones transparency has made heads turn! I am very proud of your openess.
Babe, seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all other things will fall into place.
Its like the whole preaching thing I reminded you about, the ammount of people who come to the mercy seat is often not a true indicator of the effectiveness of the sermon. By this I mean, you can never truly know what your very presence in the darkness is doing, the power of presence my friend.
The daily grind is called the daily GRIND for a reason, it slowly chips away the fluffy, the fake, the shallowness of belief and forces you to stand at your very core,feeling naked, no longer protected by a fluffy cloud of deception and look at your beliefs, your Saviour and decide if the messyness of the war, the seemingly endless fighting, the exhaustion is worth the victory, the beauty, the coming redemption and freedom you know to be true.
Are you willing to sacrifice until it hurts, continues hurtig and then hurts some more? Are you willing to sacrifice your life for the long haul that lies ahead of a warrior such as yourself?
You know even the knights and foot soldiers in olden day wars that were brutal and gross were still able to watch the sunset. Amongst all this don't forget the beauty God hands you to make it through.
I know you can do it! press in! And Storm the Forts of Darkness!!
I hope all this makes sense, i had a bit of a late night, it might not, sorry!
Love you though!
I can relate. Ive begun thinking that the people of the DTES need to learn to seek the Lord if they want salvation. Not always good for the evangelist, but an encouragement to those in sin we are trying to reach.
Especially though, I can relate to spiritual masturbation. I've been playing a lot of video games where one plays a well intentioned superhero. Strange, thats what I've always wanted to be.
Ouch!
kinda flips the, "getting high off the Holy Spirit" and makes it much more raw, much, much more offensive. Spiritual Masturbation, makes me feel physically sick, conviction does that.
Olivia, sugar that is not burned by the body when ingested turns to fat; fat is much more difficult to burn. I see that by the changes you have made to your lifestyle that your sugar/conviction has been used to spur you on to greater perseverence. 1 Peter 2:9 Don't let your sugar/conviction turn into fat/guilt.
Keep pressing in wee darling
Beloved of God, Olivia:
I am struck by your depth of spiritual maturity at such a young age.
I agree with your frustration in getting results, but you are being led by the Spirit.
I was spiritually sterile until I joined the Gideons and starting handing out New Testaments to people, and showing them the four basic spiritual laws. When giving 30-minute services to jail inmates I became very thrilled by being used by the Lord to deliver the gospel.
I worked with one Gideon (the Gideon Chaplain of S. Cal.) who told me to get ready to pray. So upon the dwindling high school students leaving school he singled out about 18 of them and had them form a ring. I sensed he had the gift knowledge (because how he was able to pick those students who were ready), and I joined hands with them in this ring as I prayed for them. About a dozen of them received the Lord on the spot and signed their new birthday into the New Testaments they just received!
I work steadily under the auspices of the Salvation Army in Hospital and Convalescent and Rest Homes. My messages to these places often cover what Heaven will be like to those who are on their last legs. It reminds me of the situation of preaching to an airport departure lounge, saying that Jesus is with them like the fourth man in the fire.
Preaching to Alzheimer patients was initially very challenging, until the Lord told to use his words, not mine. It worked: I sensed the Lord used me to penetrate their tangled brains to reach their spirits--music also seemed effective in reaching them!
I have spent years in Saudi Arabia, Eritrea and Europe, working as an engineer and functioning as a sterile Christian.
This is why I had to write to you because you rang my bell when you shared your concern in being an efficacious Christian.
I also like your music and lyrics, since now I write poetry and newsletters. I am working now on my autobiography, within which I am writing a short poem to critique each foregoing chapter.
I am looking forward in seeing the Lord using you mightily by His Spirit.
You must excuse my literary style: I am probably older than your grandfather!
God Bless You,
Thorsten,
Anaheim, CA
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